Safe Place
by Shaz27
Summary: Roman is happily married, has a job which most people only dream of, and he's on the road travelling and living these experiences with his best friend, Dean. Roman believed his life couldn't get any better. Dean, on the other hand, was sure he had everything he's ever wanted in life. Were they right or is it just a facade? One night that proves them both wrong. Ambreigns.
1. Chapter 1

A/N – The summary definitely made the story sound like it was going to be from Roman's POV, but change of plans, this is more of a third person/Dean POV. This might change in the later chapters, but I'll always give a heads up, so, no worries. Also, this will be a multi chapter fic. So, if you do start reading it, I hope you stick with me.

This is my first fic so I really do hope you guys like it, and any suggestions will be appreciated.

P.s. there's some smut in the latter half, so read at your own risk.

Hope you all like it!

* * *

Dean has no idea how it all began, or where it all began, to be honest. There was no doubt in his mind that Roman is one of the best people he ever had the chance to meet, let alone, call his best friend.

But then where did these new feelings come from? Am I in love with him? Is it just a crush? Or do I hate him?

These were the questions floating through Dean's mind. He was unable to point a finger as to what exactly went wrong. Maybe hooking up with Roman was a bad idea after all. But it wasn't him who made the first move, it was Roman. So why was Dean feeling so guilty about this? Shouldn't Roman be the one living in guilt?

He went to pour himself another drink, but he has emptied the bottle, so he heads off to the kitchen to get another one. When he passes through the living room, he sees something from the corner of his eyes and it takes him all of his willpower to not smash that frame into the wall. He walks towards it, picks it up, and lets out a sigh. It was a small black frame with a picture that holds a thousand memories.

Just looking at the picture made his stomach turn and sent a shiver through his body. He knew he should've put that frame aside until he came to terms with what had happened. But he just couldn't.

He swipes his thumb across the picture. It is a picture of Roman and him. It's a candid taken by Seth while they were in Vegas for Roman's stag night about a year ago. He took it without them noticing it while they were busy doing their customary handshake and laughing their hearts out. Dean never said it out loud, but it was his favorite picture of them.

He put the frame down and closed his eyes, trying his best to hold back his tears. He found himself doing that a lot lately whenever he thought about Roman. That feeling of a burning sensation in his chest was all too familiar to him because he's been living it for the last couple of days.

But it wasn't Roman's fault, was it?

Roman may have started it, but Dean knew what he was getting himself into, right?

Dean wasn't so sure about the answers to these questions anymore. He's not sure about anything that has anything to do with Roman lately.

Roman was a well-built, fairly attractive man with a riveting personality and an amazing sense of humor. He was caring, honest, loyal, and one of the nicest people Dean ever met. They were certainly opposites, but that's what made them click since Day 1. Roman knew Dean better than anyone else. They spent years working together in Developmental, they got their first WWE break together, and have been working in the WWE since then. Their friendship kept getting deeper and deeper as time passed by. Whether they were in the same team or feuding against each other, they never lost their bond. And somewhere during this process, Dean may have developed a little crush on Roman. It was never too serious, he was always able to push that thought to the back of his head, and believed he was just infatuated and that he would get over it soon. Or that he hoped he did.

But before that could happen, Roman made his move.

* * *

 _Start of flashback._

Wrestlemania 31 just ended, if Dean had to use one word to describe it, it would be - chaotic. The whole experience was like a dream come true. He was proud of the performance he put out there in the Ladder Match. But he felt prouder for the show Roman put out there against the Beast, although Seth came out on top in the end. Seeing Roman in tears after the match made him feel like shit because he knew his boy was ready to be the WWE Champion but it was taken away from him just because the people thought it was too early for him. As soon as Roman made his way backstage, everyone from Vince, Steph, Hunter to the Officials to the WWE Superstars and Divas congratulated him on his stellar performance. Although the tears didn't stop, he still managed to smile through it because he knew he put up a hell of a show out there.

Dean decided to wait for Roman while he freshened up so they could leave for the hotel together. Roman didn't speak much after the match, he quickly thanked everyone and headed for the shower. He got out, packed his stuff, and mumbled a quick "come on" to Dean, and they were out of the Levi Stadium en route to the hotel. The car ride was silent, Dean decided to drive and didn't say anything as he chose to give Roman some time to himself.

They reached the hotel, unloaded their bags, and checked in. While waiting for the elevator, Roman finally spoke up, "Wanna hang out in my room?". The question wasn't supposed to surprise Dean as it did because they usually hung out together after shows, drinking and playing, but of course when Galina was not in town. But it's Wrestlemania, isn't Galina supposed to be here? Then why does Roman want to me to come up and hang out? Dean wondered.

Dean, trying to sound as casual as possible, responded with, "Yeah, sure. But what about Galina?"

Roman let out a sigh and replied, "She isn't here. She's back home."

Dean decided on not taking the topic any further because he knew if something was wrong, Roman would talk to him sooner or later. But he couldn't help but wonder why Galina would want to miss the biggest night of her husband's career?

He was snapped out of his thoughts when the elevator door opened, they entered, and went up to Roman's room. They spent a few hours playing Arkham Knight and drinking beer. Their standard routine. Roman occasionally said something, most of the time it was related to the game. This was bugging Dean because this was so unlike Roman. Roman is the type of guy who would vent about the match he just had, whether he won or lost, he'd be hyped over it. But tonight was different, no words were being spoken, and Dean would occasionally catch Roman staring at him. Dean's mind was in a flurry. What was happening?

Dean decided to go to the bathroom to wash his face and to clear his head. As soon as he was done and was wiping his face, he felt someone come up behind him. He looked into the mirror and saw Roman standing behind him. Dean could feel Roman's shirtless torso pressing against his back.

"What are you-?" Dean was cut off by Roman, who replied with, "Shh, I want this."

Roman was breathing into his neck which sent a shiver through Dean's body. Dean didn't exactly understand what was happening until Roman leaned down, his lips brushing against Dean's ear, and whispered is his ear, "I want you."

Dean shuddered at the sound of that, but at the same time he wasn't sure whether he heard Roman right. So he let out a low, "what?". Almost as if he didn't want Roman to take that back.

But then he felt Roman's hand on his belt slowly unbuckling it while kissing the back of his neck. Dean wasn't sure under what circumstances this was happening, but he didn't care. He felt that if this is something Roman wanted and would make him happy, who was he to come in the way. It would be a lie if Dean said that he didn't want it himself. So, he let Roman take off his pants, shirt, and his own shorts.

Roman pulls him in closer, hips pressed together suddenly. He's felt Roman against him a dozen times, wrestling or whispering on stage but never like this.

"Okay?" he asks, Dean nods, and tilts his head a little; Roman can't resist the temptation the curve of his neck offers and latches onto it, sucking a mark into the skin, fingers digging into the soft flesh of Dean's ass. Roman slides one hand around Dean's hip and curls it around his cock between their bodies, squeezing and stroking tentatively.

"Oh shit," Dean moans loudly and goes slack in Roman's grip. Roman moves his fingers up, then engulfs the head in the palm of his hand, carefully stroking until Dean is fully hard, twitching, and he can pull back the foreskin to rub the sensitive skin under it. "Ro..." Dean breathes out and drops his head back against Roman's shoulder. The redness from his cheeks has spread all the way down his torso now; Roman starts stroking him fast, but gentle, with a twist of the head and a squeeze around the base because that's how he himself likes it.

Dean whines again, long and almost pained, and rides up into his hand, fingers digging into Roman's shoulder. The rhythmic background of his breathing turns staccato, and he comes with a shout, cock twitching and pulsing in Roman's hand. Roman strokes him through it, then eases off carefully, and pulls Dean close again.

Roman nudges his cock, hard and arching, against Dean's stomach, and whispered, "Bedroom. Now".

Dean wasn't sure where his moral compass was pointing toward in that exact moment, but he allowed his lust to take over his judgement and decided to deal with the consequences later.

Dean quietly went to the bedroom and laid down on the bed, assuming that's what Roman wanted.

 _"What's happening?"_ , a voice in the back of his head wondered, but he couldn't care less, really. He turns his head and sees Roman walking over to the bed, climbing on top of him.

It takes Dean no time at all to realize he's completely exposed and laid out bare for this beautiful man on top of him. His heart rate picks up tenfold as Roman's eyes roam over his body, scavenging his features with his fingers. His palms come up to Dean's stomach and cover the entirety of his tummy, a look of awe on his face before he bends down to give it a long and reverent kiss just below his belly button. His hands continue to move down, resting on the curve of his hips and Dean can't help but lift them just a tad because he needs more of Roman, and he needs it now.

The smirk that appears on Roman's face is devilish and he leans down closer to Dean's ear and whispers, "Show me what else you can do with that mouth of yours besides running it all the time,".

Dean takes it as a challenge as he flips Roman on the bed, and slowly swipes his tongue around the shaft and taunts his lips at the tip of Roman's cock, one hand on his hip, the other coming to anchor him at the base. Roman moans are like music to Dean's ears because he'd by lying if he said he never wondered what Roman's moans sounded like. Dean is intoxicated by the turn of events, and Roman was trying not to jump out of his skin already. Luckily, Dean is quick to catch on to Roman's hints, and he ducks down to swallow up as much of Roman as he can take.

He sinks further down until his nose can skim at the skin lining Roman's base, breathing roughly through his nose before he peeks up at Roman again. Roman is staring right back, of course, enthralled and half gone. Dean pulls off with a pop, but wastes no time getting back to the base as he licks and kisses his way back to the top where he swirls his sinful tongue around the tip. He feels his lips as they gather the precum that's collected there, and he feels so over sensitized to everything surrounding him.

"Fuck," Roman murmurs because really he doesn't know what else to do with himself. His fingers have found a vice grip in Dean's hair, and it's all he can do to ground himself as Dean works on him, relentless and intent on sucking the life out of him, he's sure of it. Dean's tongue is working in neat circles around his cock, and his head is bobbing expertly around him. He works hard and fast as if this is all he's ever wanted, like he fears stopping will make it all vanish.

"You look so fucking good like this," Dean breathes out and his voice is wrecked. "God," Roman exhales. It takes Dean everything inside of him and all the strength he can muster to take his mouth off Roman's cock because he needs him inside of him. Dean's head is swimming with the feel of Roman on his hips, on his body, over his cock, inside his brain. There's so much of him, and he's everywhere.

Dean can't even bring himself to complain because everything feels exactly perfect for him right now.

Roman kneels between Dean's spread legs, pushing them apart even more before settling back on his heels and wrapping a hand around himself and says, "Can you prep yourself?"

"Do you have the, uh, stuff?" Dean asks, staring right into Roman's eyes.

"Sounds like you're asking me for drugs," Roman answered even though it is a wildly inappropriate time to be making jokes. The look he receives off of Dean says just as much. He bites his lip to keep back his bashful smile and nods his head in the direction of his bedside table. "Bottom drawer."

"You're a bottom drawer," Dean mumbles as he reaches over to grab the lube.

"That's the best you can come up with?" Roman asks, eyes fixed to Dean's body as it stretches across and pulls back again.

Dean winks, passing the condom to Roman and uncapping the lube. 'You'll see my best in a minute.'

"Actually, I think this time I'll show you my best", Roman retorts, taking the lube away from Dean.

Dean grins at him and his heart flip-flops because Roman is going to give him his best and that's all Dean really wants, the bits he has been denied up until now. He feels like he could say it now, like as soon as Roman's body leaves his, he could tell him he's been waiting for this for God knows how long, and that if Roman ever left then it would feel like half of him has walked away as well. He feels like he could tell him that he may have feelings for his best friend.

As soon as he thinks it, Roman is pulling away and returning to his position between Dean's legs. He could say it now, but Roman gently bends Dean's knees so his feet are flat on the mattress. He could say it now, but Roman is spreading lube between his fingers and staring at Dean so intensely that he clenches involuntarily. He could say it now, but Roman is crouching forward, ghosting his lips over the tip of his dick before bending lower.

Roman kisses his hole and it's so heart-achingly intimate that Dean almost wants to just stop and leave it at that, but then a slick finger is pressing into him and Roman is mumbling words he can't hear into the crease of his groin and he lets his mind go blank, forgetting for the things he now wants to say.

Dean whines when Roman removes his finger, but then he's tearing open the condom and rolling it onto himself before pushing two fingers inside again, curling them like he knows what he's looking for.

"Roman," he breathes, curling his toes.

"Is it okay?" Roman asks. He's bent over again and when Dean looks down, he realizes that he's watching his own fingers as they disappear inside him. The thought sends a shiver down his spine and he pushes himself down onto Roman's hand. "Is that a yes?"

Dean half-laughs and half-gasps, going stock-still when Roman adds a third finger. He keeps himself together as Roman's fingers move faster and harder, he really can't take it anymore and he's begging.

"Ro, please. I'm ready.", Dean said, spreading his legs wider. "Just please."

The fingers are gone, then there's something thicker pressing against his hole and he holds his breath as Roman guides himself in. He's bigger than what Dean's used to, but it's so much better because it's Roman, who's breathing heavily into his neck as he pushes in steadily, shoulders shaking like he's as overwhelmed as Dean is. Maybe he is. Maybe Dean is just imagining things.

"Does it feel good, Dean?" he asks.

"So good," Dean murmurs. "You're amazing." Roman uses his free hand to push one of Dean's legs up, hooking it over his shoulder. "Alright?"

Dean waits for Roman to push in again, the new angle shifting something so that Roman rubs him in just the right place. "Oh God," he moans.

"Yeah?" Roman thrusts into him again, hitting him where he needs it on nearly every go.

Dean arches his back up off of the bed as much as he can, trying to pull Roman in deeper. The way he's fucking him and the way he's looking at him is driving him crazy, making something twist and ache in the pit of his belly, but there's an ache higher up as well, in his chest, a constant question of is this enough to make Roman stay with him, is this the right thing to do, is this going to be worth it when he leaves and goes back to Galina anyway. He tries to push the thought away, but Roman's free hand is on his chest, playing with one of his nipples like he's known all along that every time he did it before it wasn't really a joke, at least not to Dean.

He's thinking it, thinking he can say it now when they're as close as they'll ever be, but then Roman's hand is around his dick and the words change as they come out of his mouth.

"I love the way you fuck me," Dean says.

Roman rolls his hips diabolically. "Good," he says, short of breath. "You look so good like this, fuck, you feel so good. So fucking pretty."

Dean tips his head back into the pillow and whines, Roman's hand working him right to the edge.

"Not gonna last much longer", he mumbles, throwing his arms out to grip the edges of the mattress. "Fuck, don't stop."

"Come on, Dean. Come for me, yeah?"

It's all it takes and with one final flick of Roman's wrist, Dean comes all over his own stomach, clenching tight around Roman who stops moving as he milks him through it.

"Oh my god," Roman breathes, letting go of Dean's cock to run a hand through the mess on his belly. "Oh my god," he repeats and then he's snapping his hips forward again, throwing Dean's other leg onto his shoulder as well and folding his spent body over. Dean grabs Roman's face and brings it closer to his own, and stares intently at Roman's face noticing every single feature of his face, especially his lips, those plump lips which he has yet to feel tonight. In order to achieve that, he brings his lips closer but as soon as his lips near Roman's, Roman moves his head down and starts kissing Dean's neck. Wait, was Dean being paranoid? Or did Roman just deny him a kiss?

"Gonna come," Roman mutters and then he's pushing in one last time, going rigid as he comes, the look on his face something Dean wishes he would never forget.

Dean sighs, so content that the ache in his chest has just background noise to the buzz he's feeling. Roman slumps onto him, letting his legs slide off of his shoulders, down his arms and safely onto the mattress. Roman rolls the condom off of himself, tying up the end and chucking it to the side. Then, without saying a word, just headed off to the bathroom.

Dean just wondered, **_Wait, what the hell just happened?_**

 _End of flashback._

* * *

A/N - That's it. Next chapter will be up in a day or two. Let me know what you guys think, any and every suggestion is welcome. Also, do let me know if you want more smut or not. And how fond you all are of angst. There's definitely a fair bit of both coming up.

Follow, review, favorite. Thank you!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N - Thank you to those who read the first chapter, for liking it, and for sending your kind words through Tumblr and the reviews.

This chapter is also third person/Dean POV but it explains Roman's choices (kind of) and as to what the consequences of it were (for Dean). A small flashback is included, the rest is just Dean going crazy. No smut, not a lot of angst. More of that in the later chapters!

* * *

No matter how much Dean tried, no matter how much alcohol he drowned himself into, no matter how much he worked out to keep himself distracted, no matter what he did, he just wasn't able to get the memory of that night out of his mind.

Now he's all alone in his house, sitting in the kitchen, holding a bottle of Bourbon - he's lost count of how many bottles he's had in the day - and he's just wondering how it had got to this point. How did such a small crush end up wrecking his life?

 _Flashback continues._

Dean sighs, so content that the ache in his chest has just background noise to the buzz he's feeling. Roman slumps onto him, letting his legs slide off of his shoulders, down his arms and safely onto the mattress. Roman rolls the condom off of himself, tying up the end and chucking it to the side. Then, without saying a word, just headed off to the bathroom.

Dean just wondered, **_Wait, what the hell just happened?_**

Dean's thoughts were interrupted by Roman's reappearance in the bedroom. He was already wearing a shirt and a pair of sweats, which suddenly made Dean feel a little too exposed. He started wondering as to what he should say, should he just ask as to what the hell just happened, should he leave, should he stay the night? Before he could say anything, Roman goes, "Hey man, uhm, thanks for that. I'll see you tomorrow?".

Dean figured that was his cue to leave. So he just nodded, put his clothes on, and left without saying a word. He wasn't sure as to what just happened but he knew better than to question Roman at that time knowing he already had a rough night and this was probably his way to relieve his stress? _That isn't too good,_ he thought. Dean entered his hotel room, decided it would be best to just sleep this off and probably talk to Roman about it in the morning.

Dean woke up the next morning to a text from Roman saying to meet him in the lobby at 1 so they could head off to the arena for RAW. Dean just let out a sigh, got off the bed, took a shower, packed his stuff, and was out of his room by 12:45. He headed off to the lobby, decided to just sit and wait until the driver gets there. Just as he sat down, he saw Roman coming over, he mumbled a quick, "What's up?" to Dean, and then seated himself next to him. Dean didn't respond, he wasn't sure what to reply with, so he just kept quiet. Roman didn't notice Dean's silence, he was scrolling away on his phone, whereas Dean was just staring at the ring Roman was wearing. Not just any ring, _his wedding band_.

For a few moments, none of them said anything. After staring at the ring for a little too long, Dean decided the tension was too much to take as what happened last night was eating him alive, so, he spoke out, "You're married,". Roman was taken aback by this, but a moment later, he said, "Look man, I just needed an escape last night. You happened to be there and I couldn't stop myself."

" _You're married_." Dean repeated, a little louder this time.

"Yes but this doesn't include her. It was a moment of weakness but I surely don't regret it. This doesn't have to be so complicated."

"You're cheating on her."

"Tell me you didn't enjoy what happened last night."

"Doesn't matter. You're cheating on -", Dean was cut off by Roman, "Tell me you didn't like it.".

Dean just sighed in response, so Roman decided to continue, "Dean, it's just sex. It doesn't have to be so complicated, it's not like one of us is hopelessly in love or has any romantic feelings for the other.", Roman laughed.

 _Oh, how wrong you are,_ Dean wondered.

Dean thought it'd be best to not say anything in regards to what Roman just said, so he just asked, "What now?"

"Well, I didn't mind what happened last night, I liked it. Plus with all the time we spend on the road away from home, it wouldn't be too bad to have someone to unwind with at the end of the day. Just blow off a little steam once in a while, y'know."

"What about your wife?", Dean was surprised Roman was making a 'Friends With Benefits' kind of proposal to him right now.

"Dean, I told you, it's just sex. As long as no feelings are involved, she doesn't have to know, it won't be a problem. I'm sure you and I both are old enough to handle that.".

 _Are we though?_ , Dean asked himself.

"Sounds good.", Dean answered, trying to sound as casual as possible.

Dean knew he was digging himself deeper into the hole by agreeing to this being well aware about his budding feelings for Roman, but something's better than nothing, _right_? His need to be close to Roman, regardless in what way, was clouding his judgement.

"Glad you're cool with this, man.", Roman said and shot him a quick smile.

And in a way, that's how it all started going down.

 _End of flashback._

It has been almost six months since Dean and Roman decided to "cool it for a while.", actually Roman was the one who decided it, Dean just went along with it because, well, during their little affair it didn't seem like he had any control over what was happening. More strictly speaking, it's been six months since Roman had decided that maybe the time was right to try to put an end to that — that the "friends with benefits thing with my best bud is probably not the healthiest thing in the world, if we're being honest. C'mon Dean, even you have to be able to see that, at least."

 _"So, now, Roman's taking the high road?",_ Dean pondered at that time. It was comical how it all went down, really.

Almost six months since Dean had effectively lost his best friend. Sure, they were still friendly, and got on well, they would sit down once in a while, have a chat, play some games, have a few drinks, but it wasn't the same, wasn't even close to the same kind of relationship that they had before, it just seemed _too formal_. Dean couldn't help but feel as though a tiny part of him was dying each and every day of this fucking tour, that he was supposed to have the time of his life on the road doing something he's wanted to do his entire life, just because Roman was being such a fucking asshole. Or was he? Was this Roman's fault? Or was it Dean's because he brought all the feelings into this "totally platonic relationship"? Except it didn't matter whose fault it was. Dean still felt as if he's maybe in love with him. Still. Always.

Dean was never sure as to what he felt towards Roman. Was it love, was it hatred? He didn't even know.

There was a time, once, before all this, when Roman would have confided in him, told him all about his concerns, feelings, and confusion. And Dean would have listened, just like he always had. He would have listened and given Roman his honest opinion, because, at times, no matter how badly he might want Roman to himself, he wanted his friend to be happy even more. Dean was being realistic back then, he thought that he would soon get over the phase of pining over Roman. He knew he'd get over it. It was supposed to be just a little crush, _right?_

Roman had always known that Dean was bisexual, and it had never been an issue. Ever. They were closer than ever, and for the first time in his entire life, Dean felt like he had finally found someone who just understood. Who understood all of him—every crevice, crack, and corner of his soul. Dean had always known that Roman had loved him, even if it was purely platonic. And it worked for them. Dean didn't mind that Roman didn't like him in that way, because who would know better than him that you can't change your sexuality no matter how hard you wish that you could. It wasn't about that—it was never about that. The problem was that although Roman was the one who originally decided to start this affair, a few weeks later, everything suddenly bothered him so much that he ended it. His decision to end his little affair with Dean without any justifiable reason was like a stab in the back for Dean—a betrayal on the deepest level. It didn't feel like Roman was trying to preserve his marriage, because when the fuck did he ever really care about that, anyway? If he did, he wouldn't have gotten into this with Dean in the first place. To Dean, it felt like an outright rejection. Not of Dean's love, but of Dean himself.

And Dean wasn't quite sure how to handle that. How to cope with the loss of so much. So, he didn't cope. He didn't process, or think about it, or even cry. Well at least, he _tried_ not to. He just threw himself into the persona that he believed would help him keep his mind off things, _off Roman_. He became that person, and embraced it with everything he had.

Except that Dean hated the new him. He hated everything about himself. He usually liked to go out and party, sure, but not with an intention to forget about a certain someone. Not because his sanity and life relied upon it. His life…he loathed his fucking life. Now, he was the man of the hour, the party animal, and he had to be always on when all he really wanted to do was curl up on a large couch with a certain black haired man and drink coffee while watching bad movies. That is Dean.

At least, that _was_ Dean. Now, Dean doesn't even know who he is anymore.

The worst part of it all? He didn't just lose his friendship with Roman, he had isolated himself more and more until his friendship with all of his friends was strained, and he had no idea how he would fix that. Except that, he didn't care. He didn't care as to what everyone was thinking about him, he only cared about what was going through Roman's mind and as to why he did what he did. Sure, they hung out after Roman decided to end things with him, but the topic never came up. Dean never knew what to say, he was hoping someday Roman would come and explain as to why he just ended everything.

As much as Dean hated it, he could never stop thinking about what had happened. That's how he is where he is right now – sitting in his kitchen on a Friday night, all alone, with a bottle of Bourbon just wondering where it _all_ went wrong.

Just then, Dean smashed the bottle he was holding on to the floor and let out an aggravated scream, yelling, "THAT ASSHOLE NEVER. EVEN. FUCKING. KISSED. ME."

* * *

A/N - This is a pretty short chapter but I just wanted to complete that flashback scene consisting their "agreement". If some of you are concerned as to why Dean's going nuts, that'll be explained in the later chapters as their affair progresses in the flashback. Sorry for the cliff hanger!

Make sure to let me know what you think. Drop a message, review, favorite. Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N – Thank you to all of you for your feedback so far. I immensely appreciate it. Anyway, I'm a bit iffy about this chapter but I hope you all like it. The POV in this varies, mostly it is third person but the beginning is Roman's (had to make him look like he wasn't that big of a douchebag), the end is Dean's. The rest is here and there. And it has the last flashback scene.

Anyway, enjoy!

* * *

Six months. It's been six months since Roman lost his best friend. Sure, they hang out and talk once in a while but it's not even close to how they used to be. Roman felt as if Dean probably hates him now, he also realised that he should go and talk to Dean so he could explain why he put an end to their _relationship. Affair_. Whatever you wanted to call it.

But he just couldn't.

When he decided he wanted to hook up with Dean the first time, it was nothing too serious. You could say it was a moment of weakness, he was seeking for comfort, and Dean happened to be there. Dean inquired about Galina and as to why she wasn't there but Roman didn't find it necessary to drag him to that mess at the moment by telling him that they were taking a break from their relationship. Sure, he loved Galina back then but the distance made their relationship so much harder and put an immense strain on it so they decided it would be better to take some time off from their marriage and clear their heads.

Roman didn't mind taking some off, he needed it actually. Their relationship had been falling apart at the time but he in no way wanted to end it, _or did he_?

He never bothered telling Dean about any of this, not because he didn't trust him, he did but he wanted it to be the last thing on their mind especially considering it happened during the days leading up to Wrestlemania. He didn't want to ruin it for anybody so he kept it on the low, and tried to have a good time.

Then came the night of Wrestlemania where everything just _changed_.

He hooked up with Dean for the first time that night, and it was _different_. It was nice. He wasn't sure what he was expecting, but for all it was worth, he'd much rather be it Dean than any random person he just met. At least this was someone he cared about. And by the end of it, maybe cared _too much_ about.

Roman's conscious didn't bother him a whole lot, he didn't see it as cheating, even though it really was. He had convinced himself that sleeping with a guy didn't really count as infidelity. He hadn't done this in a very long time, plus, he considered himself straight, for most part. He was just _experimenting_ , if you may. There was absolutely no logic in his thinking but considering he was on a break he just let himself think that way. If that's how the whole situation made him feel less guilty, then so be it.

Plus, Dean never even had any objections so he thought it wouldn't be a bad idea. They were friends, nothing would change that. Not even sex.

Or so he believed.

Now, as Roman looks back and thinks of that agreement, he fails to find even one good reason as to why he thought that was a good idea. Who was he kidding? He hooked up with his best friend. His confidante. Once you go there, there's no coming back. Roman doesn't blame Dean for cutting himself off from him emotionally. He deserved it. He _wrecked_ their friendship.

* * *

 _Flashback._

It's been two months since Roman and Dean started hooking up. His relationship with Galina was still on the rocks, Dean was still unaware about it, and Roman decided it was better to let it stay that way.

Nothing changed about their friendship, well, maybe, now they were just best friends with benefits. Not the most appealing setup, but it worked for them. The sex was good, rough but good. Barely anything is spoken when they hook up, not a lot of sensual tender touches. Actually, nothing was spoken, there were no tender touches, and most definitely no kisses. They would fuck, then, just go to sleep in their respective beds.

It worked for them. Weeks. Even months. It went on. Dean had managed to convince himself that it was just a crush. It was not love, so it worked. He believed he could have sex with his crush without developing any feelings and it played out fine for him until it was a month later and they were hooking up after a show, it was the usual until something inside of him made Dean lean down for a kiss and the same thing happened the first time he tried kissing Roman — he turned his head away and started kissing his neck. That stung Dean, almost made his chest ache.

That's when it hit him, this wasn't just a crush anymore. He was falling for the man he was having an affair with. A married man. His _best friend_.

None of them spoke of it that night, the next day they both went to their respective homes as they had a few days off. Dean thought it was good that he's getting to spend a few days at home without Roman. It was his chance to clear his head, to remind himself that he shouldn't be feeling this way. It wasn't just anybody, it was his best friend. Oh, who's also married. That's just the icing on the cake. Lovely.

Dean wanted to fix this, he didn't want to feel that way. He knew his top priority is to preserve their friendship. He was well aware he'd never be able to get with Roman, it wasn't right. But if he could, he would. He'd give anything to be with Roman... Or to just forget about his feelings completely. All he wanted to do now was to push these feelings to the back of his head until they went away because he honestly didn't want to lose Roman as a friend.

But Roman on the other hand had different things going on in his head. Sure, he never mentioned the almost-kiss that happened the first night they hooked up, he figured Dean would get the point of it. He thought Dean understood that because he never tried to kiss him again, until the last time they hooked up where the same thing happened.

He'd be lying if he said he didn't notice the disappointment in Dean's eyes after he turned his head away. And honestly, it crushed him. If there was something about Roman, it's that he only kisses the people whom he is in love with. For him, kissing is on a different level of intimacy. What was going on between him and Dean was far from any serious intimacy. Or well, that's what he thought until their last night together.

Roman made sure to not bring the kiss up with Dean, but deep down he felt as if maybe he wanted it too. Kissing Dean wouldn't be so bad, would it? Dean was one of the few people he'd trust with his life, he's been amazing to Roman, he's a gorgeous man, has an amazing sense of humour, is very quirky, definitely crazy, they've been through so much together, there's no one in this world who could ever replace Dean in his life, and most importantly, he's always there. No matter what, Dean's always been there for Roman through thick and thin… But that doesn't mean he felt something towards Dean, did it?

That's when it hit Roman, he knew staying in this for longer will only increase the chances of either one of them getting hurt by developing feelings for each other. For what it's worth, Roman was still married. Although they agreed that it would remain casual, that rarely happens, right? Especially not when it's with one of the people you care most about.

Roman decided it would be best to put an end to their little affair. He was afraid one of them might catch feelings for the other, and as much as it kills him to admit it, he wasn't wrong. Roman would be lying if he said he didn't feel a certain way for Dean, because if he gave it a little thought, he'd say he probably might like Dean a little. A little too much maybe. Was it so wrong?

Sure, Dean made him happy, but he was still married. It is a marriage he valued, to a woman he loves and who loves him for all his flaws and goodness. He can't just throw it all away because he _thinks_ he has feelings for the man he's been hooking up with. _There's no way I like Dean that way_ , he said to himself. _Maybe it's just the fact that we've been doing this for a while, I'll probably get over it_.

 _Maybe Dean likes me too, that could be why he was disappointed for the kiss_ , Roman thought.

Just then Roman felt as if maybe there aren't any feelings involved and it was just him being paranoid. But nonetheless, he figured they've been doing it for way too long now and it would be better to just stop before things get out of hand.

And that's what he did. A few days later, during a House Show, Dean walked up to him and went, "Hey man, want to grab a drink after the show. Saw this cool place downtown and –", he got cut off by Roman, "Nah, I'm just going to go back to the hotel."

"Oh cool, do you want me to come over tonight?"

"Uh, about that. I think we should stop this, you know, fooling around with each other,"

Dean was certainly taken aback by this, "Alright, I guess. What happened though?"

"It's just not healthy anymore for either one of us. I don't want you to fall in too deep", Okay, it was definitely not what Roman planned to say, and as soon as he said it, he realized he messed up.

Dean was at a loss of words, all he could think was, _did Roman just say that? Did he just say that he wants to stop this because he thinks I can't control myself_? But all he managed to say was, "If that's what you want,".

Roman felt like he should probably do some damage control but he didn't want Dean to know about his marriage situation or about his confused feelings because, hell, even he himself doesn't have it figured out. So he thought it'd be best to just let it be for now. He wanted to keep Dean away from all the mess, save him from any further disappointment. But he just couldn't put in into words, "I just don't want anything to ruin our friendship, because when you end up wanting more I don't think I can give that to you, I have a wife, for God's sake. So it would be in the best of our interests to just stop this."

"We're cool", Dean said calmly, although he felt something else. He felt sad. Like he lost something he never quite had. With that, Dean just nodded, turned around and walked away.

And in that moment, Roman knew that he had fucked up.

 _End of flashback._

* * *

Looking back, Dean realized it wasn't the fact that Roman ended their affair the problem – Dean knew that day would surely come – but it was the way Roman handled the situation and the words he chose to say at that moment that struck Dean.

He would've been fine if Roman ended it in a way which didn't degrade him and made him sound like someone who couldn't control his feelings. It wasn't like he was the only one in the affair. They were both in it, so there wasn't any need for Roman to guilt trip Dean into thinking that it's only ending because it was the inevitable truth that Dean would want more. Sure, maybe that's right but Roman didn't know that, there wasn't any need to bluff just so he could end an affair. Because Dean handled himself well enough to disregard all those feelings just so he could save his friendship. How was Roman so sure about himself that he wouldn't develop any feelings? Why did he have to blame it all on Dean?

This is what frustrated Dean, not the fact that the affair ended, but how it was ended. After that, he was never able to get rid of his feelings for Roman anyway.

It's been months and Dean's still not over it. The more he tries to get away from it, the next moment he sees Roman's face and it all comes crashing down at him. Perhaps Dean's situation now is what stories mean when they called somebody heartsick. Your heart and your stomach and your whole insides feel empty and hollow and ache just craving that one thing. In this case, one person.

Just then the doorbell rang, Dean managed to drag himself to the door, hoping it wasn't somebody he didn't want to talk to, that somebody being Seth, his only other best friend. Besides _Roman._

That's why he couldn't have been more relieved to find Seth at the door in that moment. Seth's like a brother to Dean, he's always been there for him, and he's the only one who knew about the affair. He wasn't vocally supportive of it because he knew there was no way there could've been a happy ending in that story but he supported Dean nonetheless. And that is what he's been doing for the last six months, he's been supporting Dean by listening to Dean vent about Roman, seeing him sulk, cry, and offering whatever help he could.

Seth entered the house and headed for the living room, - he made a mental note to talk to Dean later about how the place looks like an utter mess - they both chatted for a while before Seth cut to the chase, "How are you holding up, buddy?"

"Same old, same old. This baby keeps me distracted," Dean said pointing towards the bottle of Bourbon kept on the table in front of them.

Seth just shot him a look of disappointment, "Dean, how long? You can't still be beating yourself about something he did half a year ago."

"Actually, I fell for him so it's me, not him,", Dean wasn't quite sure as to why he was still trying to defend Roman but it just happened, almost like a reflex.

"Don't start that with me again. You very well know that if you wanted to, you could've gotten over it already but you choose not to. Day in, day out, you choose to hold onto him with the hope that one day he'll come up to you, say sorry, and fix everything. This isn't a fairytale, Dean. I'm not saying he's the bad guy here. Maybe he has a reason as to why he did what he did but you can't just sit here and wait for him to come and explain that to you. Maybe he'll do that, maybe he won't. That doesn't mean you can just isolate and punish yourself for it. You can't wait forever, Dean."

As much as Dean hates to admit it, Seth is right. But it's so much easier said than done. How's he supposed to get over somebody who he never even had? "What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to build a better life for yourself," Seth exclaimed.

"Is Roman in that life?", Dean knew he was being unreasonable but he couldn't help it.

"Honestly, man, I don't know. I don't even think he knows. It's probably going to take time, maybe it won't happen at all but that doesn't mean you can just sit here and wait. You're missing out on so much, these are supposed to be the best days of your life. You're out here doing what you love, what's the point of it if you can't enjoy it?"

"But, how? It's not that easy, Seth. You of all people should know that," Dean said, exasperated.

"I never said it was easy. But it's something you have to do. It begins with the vision to recognize when _something_ is over — and the power to let it go.", Dean noticed Seth's choice of words, Seth never used the word 'affair' to define what they had going on and he was thankful that Seth wasn't being judgmental about it, "It means leaving what's over without denying its validity or its past importance to your life. It involves a sense of future, a belief that once you let it go, you are moving up, rather than down. Holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength, Dean. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and to actually let go of the toxic things in your life".

"What if I don't want to let go?", Dean was well aware he was being irritating, but this was Seth, who seemed to have all the patience in the world when it came to Dean.

"It hurts to let go, I know. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of a bad guy for having felt, for having wanted. _For having wanted to be wanted_. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside but then, you let it out and it doesn't… come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain.", Dean could hear Seth's voice crack, he knows where this is coming from, and he hates himself right now for letting Seth's mind go back to those memories, "I know that feeling, I know how hard it is to get through that, to let go of everything, _alone_ , and that's why I want you do it, I'm here for you. I want you to come out of this as a fucking fighter."

"Where do I begin?", Dean wanted this. You know what? Maybe it meant letting go of Roman, and maybe that's for the best.

Seth felt a little bit of satisfaction when he heard that, "It starts by making sure he holds no power over your emotions".

 _Well, this isn't going to be easy_ , Dean thought.

* * *

A/N – I wasn't too sure about how to go about with this chapter but here it is. Hope you guys liked it.

Do let me know what you think, Favorite, Review, message me, or wherever. Just let me know!

Oh, and welcome Seth!


	4. Chapter 4

Dean had never imagined that one person, constantly surrounded by so many people, could ever feel so helplessly alone.

And that was how Dean had come to sit at a table in catering after a show, sitting still while life went on around him. They were somewhere in the middle of Australia, his friends and acquaintances were laughing all around him when suddenly everything caught up with Dean at once. How could everyone around him be so happy, while he felt so miserable? How could Roman be so happy?

Suddenly, Dean felt the familiar sting of tears pooling in his eyes. He hadn't cried at all recently, and now, in the middle of all these people he was about to start? He would have laughed at the absurdity of it all if he didn't so desperately just want to disappear. He remembers the advice Seth gave him about not letting Roman control his emotions but sometimes, it just wasn't so easy.

Dean abruptly got up from the table, practically knocking Roman, who was standing by the door, out of the way on his way out as he made a beeline for his rental and headed off to the hotel, the only place where he knew he could have the privacy he needed. Maybe he shoved Roman a little harder than usual, then, good. He deserved it. _Fucking prick_ , Dean thought.

The one flaw in Dean's plan was that a hasty exit always draws attention, particularly when one steamrolls over their _best friend_ with tears in their eyes.

An hour after he reached the hotel, Dean heard a soft knock on the door. He didn't answer, hoping that whoever it was would just take the hint and leave him alone.

Another knock, "Dean?", a voice came through the door. It was Roman. Fucking hell.

"I'm about to sleep, I'll talk to you tomorrow," Dean said loud enough for Roman to hear through the door, figuring that Roman would take the easy out. It's what he was good at anyway.

Instead, Roman knocked on the door until Dean decided it was better to get whatever Roman wanted to say done and over with. He opened the door, didn't even bother to look at Roman, then went and sat on the bed throwing his hand over his face and sighed.

"What is it?"

"Dean…" Roman started, but trailed off, looking genuinely concerned. "What's wrong?"

The bitter irony of it all was almost enough to make Dean laugh, except that he felt like dying.

"Don't," Dean said softly. "Just…don't."

"Don't what?" Roman asked.

"Pretend like you care," Dean spat, more viciously than he had intended. Maybe it was time they went down that road.

"Dean, of course I care," Roman said softly, sounding genuinely bewildered.

The complete and utter gall that Roman had to say that made Dean snap his head up from under his hand, revealing to Roman his red-rimmed eyes as he fixed the older boy with a glare.

"Don't fucking lie to me, Roman, I'm so sick of your bullshit," Dean bit out.

"Dean..." Roman said, reaching out to touch the younger boy, but Dean recoiled and Roman looked like he'd just been stabbed in the gut. Dean couldn't deny a small amount of satisfaction from that. Roman deserved to know how it felt. "Budge over," Roman said quietly, and Dean got a look of panic on his face. Surely Roman didn't mean to actually get in bed with him? That would be breaking all of the rules.

But, that's exactly what Roman did. He climbed in under the covers and cuddled close to Dean, just like it was six months ago and no time had passed at all. Dean wasn't sure whether to knee him in the balls or pull him close and hug him. So he did neither, and just lay there staring pointedly at the ceiling, waiting for Roman to say something.

"Say something, Dean," Roman prompted, and despite everything Dean couldn't help but roll his eyes at their similarities.

"I'm fine. Just a long day."

"You're clearly not fine." Roman said, voice soft and concerned and so unlike anything Dean had heard come from the older boy in a long time that Dean couldn't help but start crying again.

"You don't get to do this," Dean said, voice thick and angry behind his tears. "You don't get to pretend like you suddenly care about me when you've done nothing for almost six months except prove that you couldn't give two fucks about me."

"Is that what you think?" Roman asked, the same bewildered tone enveloping his words.

"Of course it is!" Dean cried. "You did a good fucking job of it, too. Congratulations."

"Dean, I never…" Roman trailed off, looking completely lost. "Dean, please stop crying," Roman begged softly, his hand reaching out and gently wiping the tears from Dean's eyes. The move was so gentle, so loving, and so Roman, that it just set Dean off into a fresh round of tears. "Dean," Roman whispered brokenly, throwing his arms around the younger boy and pulling him close, letting Dean cry into his shoulder.

"Stop," Dean protested weakly. Couldn't Roman see how much more this hurt? And Dean only hated himself all the more for being weak enough to allow it to happen.

"No," Roman said firmly, tightening his hold on Dean, running his fingers through Dean's hair.

It took a minute for Dean to get his emotions under control, and Roman just held him and waited patiently. The two men lay in silence. Dean was too afraid to speak, knowing that once he did the moment would end, and even if that was all he could get of Roman for another six months, he'd take it.

"This isn't what I wanted," Roman finally said, and his voice sounded so broken that Dean couldn't help but look up at the older boy, confused. To Dean's astonishment, Roman actually had tears pooling in his eyes."

Nothing made sense anymore.

"I broke you, Dean," Roman whispered, painfully. "You are so full of life, amazing, and such a beautiful person and I broke you."

Dean wasn't sure how to respond to that, so instead he focused on the fact that Roman called him beautiful. If nothing else, that was something that he could hold on to.

"I'm sorry," Roman said genuinely. "I thought that I was helping you, letting you go. I didn't realize…you never said anything."

"Letting me go?" Dean asked incredulously, suddenly feeling as if he were going to be sick. "You were my best friend, Ro, where the fuck do you think I wanted to go, exactly?"

Roman had no answer.

"Did you think I wanted something to happen between us?" Dean asked, desperate for answers now that they'd begun. "Because fuck you, Roman. What, do you think I can't control myself when I'm around you? Newsflash, I'm attracted to boys but sometimes they like me back, sometimes they don't. I'm a big boy, I can handle that. I controlled myself well enough before our whole affair because I knew you were happy being married. I never let my feelings come between us, ever. And you can't say it was affecting our friendship because you know fucking well that it wasn't. Things changed when you decided to start fucking around with me, then you left me high and dry just because you thought I was falling in too deep. I never initiated anything and I probably never would've tried to make a move on you as long as you were married. How could you even think that I'd let anything get between our friendship in the first place? You were the one who sought comfort from me, and I welcomed you, but leaving it the way you did, without any legitimate explanation is the worst way you could've ended that. It was never me, it was always you. You were the problem." Dean said incredulously. "It was only the most important friendship of my life, and—"

"I miss you every day," Roman blurted out, interrupting Dean. "It's like this horrible, dead feeling inside of me that I can't get to go away. And I've tried, I really have, but I'm at the end of my rope here. I thought that putting some distance between us would be for the best, and that with time everything would work itself out. That you'd be happy. I let you go because I knew if we stayed in it longer I was going to disappoint you, I wouldn't be able to give you what you may have wanted. I didn't—I never really expected that I'd ever really be okay again, but that's not really the point, is it?"

"Then what was the point?" Dean asked, completely puzzled as to why Roman had felt the need to put them both through so much.

Roman didn't answer immediately. Dean wasn't sure he was going to answer at all, until he said quietly, "You're everywhere. In every room in my house, in every cup of tea, in every smile and joke and l…you're such a big part of who I am. I'm not as smart as you, Dean. I don't have my feelings in check. It took me a little while to understand that there are some things that I just can't control. That no matter how much distance I put between us, you're still the most important thing in the world to me."

"Roman," Dean started softly, his eyes imploring, "I don't understand. How is any of that bad? Why distance yourself in the first place? I've spent the last few months convinced that you hated me and I just…I couldn't figure out what I did or how to fix it, and…I don't care about your reasons. I mean, I do, but more than anything I just want our friendship back. I know we can never be together but all I wanted was some closure. It's like I've lost myself completely without you," Dean admitted.

He wasn't entirely lying, deep down Dean knew they'd never be able to together as long as Roman's married, which to Dean seems like something that would last forever. But that wasn't the point, Dean was aware that the affair would have to end someday, but what still bothers him was the way Roman ended it, he made it sound like Dean was the one who wasn't able to keep his feelings in check and it was his fault that they had to end it. Dean didn't appreciate that. Maybe if he would've gotten a better reasoning, they wouldn't be here right now. Things would've been better, it might have taken a bit of time to rekindle their friendship but Dean was all up for it. Regardless of his feelings for Roman, he was still his best friend. Given some time, those feelings would've faded away eventually. He missed his best friend, he wanted him back.

Dean turned his head, and his eyes met Roman's. For the first time in almost six months, he looked at his friend. He really looked at him, and this didn't look the Roman he knew. The face infront of him, whose every feature indicates sadness now, that was never Roman.

"I don't hate you," Roman said quietly. "I love you, probably too much. Don't you see? You might be able to compartmentalize all those different parts of yourself, but not me. I knew that I wasn't being fair to you."

Dean wanted to scream, or beat his head against the wall repeatedly. All he wanted was answers, and all Roman was doing was talking in circles and giving him fucking excuses that didn't make any sense.

"No," Dean protested, angrily. "You know what wasn't fair? That you knew everything about me, every little piece of me, realised that I might have feelings for you, and it's like you threw me back. You could've talked to me about it but you didn't, you chose to be a coward worrying about your own damn self and left me hanging. That wasn't fair. I trusted you."

"I thought it would make things more complicated than it already was.", Roman laughed a hollow, painful laugh. "God, I've fucked absolutely everything up," Roman said bitterly. "I wasn't throwing you back. I was setting you free. I couldn't keep you, as much as I wanted to."

"Setting me free?" Dean asked incredulously. It was such Roman logic that he couldn't even stand it. "Why?" Dean asked, a broken look of bewilderment running across his face.

"It was never supposed to go as far as it did, halfway through our affair I realised that you might be into me, that scared me. I didn't know how to deal with it, and you never said anything. But it was in those moments when you tried to kiss me and I'd always move my face away that I realised that it was more than just hooking up for you because the disappointment on your face was something I couldn't ignore. I never kissed you because for me, once we kiss it just goes to another level of intimacy and I wasn't ready for that. I had a wife, dammit.", Roman paused at that, "I wasn't sure as to why I ended things with you the way I did, all I know is I did it because I was not ready for what would've happened if we continued. I didn't wanna hurt you."

Dean took a moment to take all of that in, it was a lot of information to process. "So, in order to not hurt me you decided to break things off with me the way you did?"

"I didn't have an explanation back then, all I knew at that moment was that it had gone way further than I had anticipated, and it was not benefiting either one of us. I wasn't sure what to do, I didn't know what I was feeling."

Dean didn't care about Roman's confessions anymore because he's just angry now that he has an insight as to what went through Roman's head when he ended their affair. To say he is furious would be an understatement. He was livid.

Dean didn't say a word, so Roman continued, "The only way I could think of to get out of that situation was by letting you go. I realised you may like me and that scared me, it made me think that if I held on, I wouldn't be able to stay away from you."

Dean's heart simultaneously exploded and broke with Roman's confession. So, basically Roman broke it off with him because he was scared of catching feelings for Dean. Wow, okay.

"Just leave.", Dean said loud and clear to Roman, who just frowned in response.

"Dean, listen to -"

"I SAID LEAVE."

"But I want to fix this,"

"Six months a little too late for that. Just go now."

Roman decided it would best to not piss Dean off more than he already was, so he quietly left and shut the door behind him.

Dean felt numb. He didn't know whether to cry, laugh, be angry, or surprised. Roman had just said so much to him but to Dean it felt so little. Why? Because of course, Roman was being selfish and paranoid when he made that decision. Why would he care about how it would affect Dean?

* * *

Roman had just returned to his hotel room, after spending about two hours in the bar chugging down alcohol trying to forget about what just happened upstairs with Dean, when he heard a knock, he opened the door, and found Seth standing there. Roman signaled him to come in, because judging by the look on Seth's face he knew this was going to be a long conversation.

After a moment of silence, Roman decided he'd start the conversation, "So, what's going -?"

"What the fuck are you doing?", Seth cut Roman off.

"What do you mean?"

"All that shit with Dean, why are messing it up?"

Roman's doubt turned into a reality, of course Seth was here to talk about Dean. Sure, Seth and Roman were close, but not as close as Seth was with Dean so it wasn't a surprise that he was here to talk about Dean.

"What? I went to talk to him and he told me to leave, what else did you want me to do?"

"Of course he told you to leave, you waited six months to say all that? That you were setting him free? That you were letting him go?"

"There was nothing else I could've said."

"You really don't see what's wrong here, don't you? It's not about why you did what you did six months ago, it's about what you're gonna do for him now. Whether you want him in your life or not, whether as a friend or a lover. It doesn't matter. It's not about damage control anymore, the damage has been done and lived through, he has suffered enough. All I'm asking is for you to let him know for once and for all what you want you your relationship with him to be. Whether it's as friends, lovers or to never talk again, just let him know. Even I know all that you said to him a while ago is crap, just be honest with him. He deserves that bit of closure. I hate seeing him live a life of uncertainty".

Seth walked over to Roman, who was now seated on the couch with his face in his hands. "It's not so easy, I haven't talked to him properly in months, I don't know what he wants. I'm trying to fix things. That's why I went to Dean, to tell him I was sorry, to take it all back but he shot me down. It's hard for me to understand where that is coming from. I'm trying, I'm trying so fucking hard to fix things," Roman's voice started cracking now, Seth didn't know what to say, he never saw Roman look so shattered, "No matter what I do, it's never enough, not for Dean, not for Galina, not for anyone."

That's when Seth realised there is more to this than what Roman was telling him, "Ro, what do you mean not enough for Galina?"

"She left me. I told her about me and Dean a week ago, and she said she needed some time to think about it,"

"Wait, did you guys break up?"

"Honestly, I don't even know,", Roman let out a low hollow laugh which made Seth feel for Roman, "All she said was she needed some time to think about it, it's been a week and I still haven't heard from her. I don't know what to do anymore."

If Seth was being honest right now, he felt really bad for Roman. He's known Roman for a long time but never seen him like this, never so broken. He couldn't help but ask, "Do you still love her?"

"Of course I love her", Roman said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Seth knew Roman was just bullshitting his way through now, "No, look me in the eyes and answer this, are you _in love_ with her?"

Roman turned his face so he could look into Seth's eyes, he thought he knew what his answer was going to be but by just seeing the look on Seth's face he realised that maybe he isn't too sure about this, "I don't know anymore".

"You have been saying that for the last six months.", Seth said, a little bit annoyed.

"Well these haven't been the best six months for me, you know.", Roman was getting frustrated now, the last thing he needed right now was for someone to come and give him shit for his choices. "I know I fucked up, I know I fucked things up more with Dean than with anyone else."

"Not even your wife?" Seth realised he was taking a long shot here, but maybe it could work.

"No," Roman said quietly, after a moment of silence. "I miss him, Seth. Maybe I miss him more than I miss her. I don't know if she's going to come back, and at this point I don't think I have the will power to work things out with her."

Seth was glad Roman was finally letting his shield down, and talking about his feelings. Seth doesn't remember the last time Roman did that, he never spoke anything about the affair to anyone. Roman didn't show it or say anything but Seth could see he took it harder than he thought. Because Roman never opened up about it, Seth was only aware Dean's part of the story, which made it seem as if Roman was totally fine with everything that happened which, as to what Seth could see in front of him, was clearly wrong.

What he saw at that moment in front of him was a _broken man_. Roman looked skinnier, sadder, and somehow, older. Seth couldn't believe how he missed all this, maybe he was too busy being there for Dean that he forgot there wasn't anyone else to look after Roman on the road other than Dean and him.

"How much do you care about Dean?", Seth asked, deciding to get back to the topic in hand.

"Enough to let him go because I knew I wasn't going to be able to give my complete self to him _if_ he wanted me. Enough to let him go before any of us got hurt. Enough, that I couldn't bear the thought of disappointing him. Enough to let him go, so he could live a happier life without being bound by me." Roman said, tears stinging in his eyes. "I care about him and that's why I ended things with him. It sounds absurd, I know. I wasn't going to wait for one of us to fall in too deep before breaking it off, that would've been the worst.", Seth wanted to say something but Roman continued, "Seth, what would you have done if one day your best friend, the guy you're hooking up with, woke up and realised he's in love with you or worse, that you're in love with him, whilst you're still married? Huh, what would you do, Seth? Would you just leave your wife with the blink of an eye or would you try to sort out your own priorities and feelings so that you can prevent any more people from getting hurt in the long run and so that you can actually choose who you want to be with?"

Seth then fell silent, he didn't have an answer.

"That's what I thought,", Roman continued, "Would you rather that I led him on for months and gave him the hope that maybe someday we could get together and on his cue, I'd leave my wife and come live with him? It's never so easy Seth, and that's why I tried making things a little less complicated. I'm not saying I'm in love with him, I don't even know what that means anymore, I'm just saying what if one day that would've happened. By ending the affair, I was preventing that day from coming. I just wanted to sort my life out first before making place for someone else, whether it's Galina, Dean, or whoever. I didn't want that person to come into a wreck. I wanted that person to come to me because I was their _safe place_. And I can't fucking be that for someone until I pull my shit together." Roman said, leaning back on the couch and rubbing his hands on his face to wipe the tears away.

And in that moment, Seth realised that maybe Roman wasn't entirely in the wrong. All he was doing was trying to do was protect Dean from getting hurt in the long run. What Roman didn't realise was that Dean was already deep enough in it, that ending the affair without any further explanations would eventually hurt him anyway. That wasn't Roman's fault, was it? Well, it partially was. He could've given a better reason for ending it rather than blaming Dean but he chose not to. On the other hand, maybe if Dean didn't catch any feelings for Roman he wouldn't have been so hurt about it and perhaps none of this may have happened. He hated to admit it but Dean knew what he was getting himself into, but then again, feelings can't really be controlled. So when Seth thought about it, it sounded like they were both at fault, Roman a bit more than Dean. And maybe, it was time for both of them to actually sit down and talk to each other.

"But why don't you tell him all this? The things you just told me, Dean doesn't even know half of this stuff, does he?", Seth asked. "He knows what he needs to as of now, I'll tell him everything else when I'm ready to actually let him know about what really is going on,".

"I understand what you're saying, and I actually get it. It makes sense and that's why I'm going to tell you something. Okay?" Seth asked, Roman nodded, so Seth continued, "Look Roman, I'm not here to tell you about what or how you're supposed to feel or who you're supposed to be in love with because you need to figure that out by yourself but I'll tell you this, you can't force love, I realised. It's either there or it isn't. If it's not there, you've got to be strong enough to be able to admit it and to let go. It may be hard, but you'll have to move on from it. If it is there, you've got to do whatever it takes to protect the ones you love. Take it as you may." Seth just patted Roman on the back and got up to leave.

Roman whispered a quick "thank you" to Seth, but while at the door, "Oh and Ro, don't come to Dean until you have sorted your own life out because Dean's not the guy you can use to figure your shit out, Dean's the guy you _hope_ you get once you _have_ figured your shit out.", with that Seth left Roman's room shutting the door behind him.

* * *

A/N - So, they finally "talked". Let me what you guys think about it. Always appreciate the responses. Favorite, review, message me, or wherever. Just let me know!

Thank you for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

Lost love is still love, right? It just takes a different form in your life, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or joke around or dance with them the same way. But when those senses weaken, another gets stronger. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.

But Dean wanted none of that, he didn't want any memory of the last few months with him. He loved Roman, he most definitely did. There are only a few things in life that are worse than unrequited love, and there's no one who knows this better than Dean at this point in time. Maybe Seth was right when he said he needs to stop beating himself up for something that may never even have happened. Even if they continued hooking up, what were the chances that Roman was actually going to fall for him? If you ask Dean, he'd say that probably wasn't on the cards. And what's worse than knowing you want something, but knowing you can never have it?

That's why Dean figured it'd be better to try and move on, to actually try and build a better life for himself. He wasn't going to spend another six months crying over something that could've been. He needed to get past this, and possibly sort things out with Roman. What or who was he mad at anyway? Was he mad at Roman for trying to save his marriage? Or was he mad at Roman for breaking his heart?

He honestly doesn't know anymore. All he knows he has to get over him. For months now, a stone had been sitting on his heart. He shed a lot of tears and lost a lot of sleep over Roman. Somehow, he decided, he had to move on. Life for Dean would be hell if he didn't shake loose from the grip Roman had on his heart. He most definitely didn't want to keep feeling this way, being just alone in a love affair meant for two.

He knew this for a fact. Little by little, the ache to see Roman and to hear him would disappear. Little by little he would forget how his arms felt, how his fingers felt, how his body felt, the sound of his voice, the intensity of his gaze, all of it. Inch by inch it would slip from his mind, finally becoming a fogged up memory. Maybe not all the way, maybe there would be a few scars left. Maybe he would be different, but at least he would be himself again. Little by little.

He realised that he must make a decision that he is going to move on. That it wasn't going to happen automatically. That he needs to get up and dust himself off. He can't be punishing himself anymore. And that's what he did, he woke up one morning and said to himself something along the lines of, 'I don't care how hard this is, I don't care how disappointed I am, I'm not going to let this get the best of me. I need to start moving on with my life,'.

Now, here's a start.

* * *

It's been a few weeks since Roman had that conversation with Dean and received some fairly valuable advice from Seth. He definitely spent a lot of time reflecting and tried to get in touch with his inner self in the last few days. He hasn't heard from his wife since the time she left, and frankly, he doesn't think he will. Which leads him on to the next chapter – the most important one – that he fucked up, Dean.

He didn't know what he wanted to say to Dean, but he knew he wanted to see him. Maybe it's time for Roman to finally come clean to him about why he did whatever he did.

And that's how he ended up outside Dean's house at 11 PM, standing in the blistering cold while it's raining, trying to gather the courage to just ring that doorbell.

Dean opened the door a moment after Roman rang the bell. To say Dean was surprised would be fairly accurate, "Roman, what are you doing here?"

Roman flinched when he heard Dean call him that, because this is Dean we're talking about, who usually calls Roman by every other name in the book except for, well, 'Roman'. He had been hearing that lot from Dean lately, but he still didn't get used to it, mainly because he doesn't want to.

"Well, it's raining out here so I can't really say that I was walking around the neighborhood, saw your house, then thought of paying you a visit, so, yeah I came to see you."

"Come on in then."

Roman made his way into the living room, when he heard Dean ask, "So, what brings you here?"

"I told you, I came to see you."

"No, Roman. _Why exactly are you here_?"

"To fix things."

Roman figured there was no point in beating around the bush anymore. So he told Dean everything. He told him about how Galina and he decided to take a break from their marriage before WM, about why he never kissed him, why he never really got into the details of any it, and as to why he ended it the way he did.

Well, okay, he told Dean _almost everything_. He didn't tell him that he cared enough to tell Galina about their hook up and that she may have left him, and he didn't even tell him about what his current feelings were. To be fair, Roman still wasn't sure of that.

"After our last night together, it's not just that I felt guilty, I knew I was eventually playing with the emotions of two people whom I cared deeply about and it didn't seem right. It wasn't going to be pretty, I knew that, that's why I laid it hard on you. I didn't know whether you really had something for me or not, but I figured staying in it longer wasn't going to help any of us, either way. I wasn't rejecting you, I wasn't throwing you back, I was just looking out for you. I needed some time off to clear my head and to figure out how I could fix the mess I just made. I wanted to be fair to both of you. I had to make my marriage work at that time, and I needed my best friend in my life. I'm really sorry.", Roman said, and just sat back as he looked at Dean waiting for him to say something.

Dean, on the other hand, had a clearer head than he did last time they spoke, so he was taking it pretty well. He could kind of see as to why Roman did all that he did. His intentions weren't to hurt anybody, especially not Dean. He was just trying to save everybody from an inevitable heartbreak. Could Roman have done a better job at handling the situation back then? Sure, but he didn't. Did he end up hurting people in the process? Sure. But Dean decided it was probably better to let this go, and to bury the hatchet once and for all. It was a part of his idea of finally moving on. The one thing he realised was, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward. And that's what he wanted to do, he wanted to forgive and let go. At the end of the day, Roman was still married, Dean knew they could never be more than friends and beating himself over this Roman heartbreak wasn't the best thing for him. He wanted his friend back. Most importantly, Dean knew he _had_ to let it go in order to be happy in life.

And maybe the things Roman just said were what Dean needed to hear to finally get on with it.

"Thanks for finally telling me all this, I appreciate it."

"I really am sorry for doing this, it sounds really small right now but I mean it. I never wanted to hurt you. You should know that, I need you to know that.", Roman said, looking straight into Dean's eyes, who gave him a tiny hint of a smile in response. And in that moment, he felt something. A wave of emotions just swept through Roman, and _he knew_. This was months of suppressed emotions coming back at him. With that one smile, Dean had set it all off.

"But why didn't you tell me all of this before? Why wait for six months to go by?"

Maybe now's a good a time as any to tell him, this could be a start, Roman thought.

"I don't really know, I guess I wanted some time to actually get my feelings in check."

"What does that mean?" Dean asked, a little confused.

"Look, Dean, I don't know whether you still have any feelings for me or that you ever did, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it, I think I'm in-"

Just then the doorbell rang, interrupting Roman, "Hold on, I need to get that." Roman nodded as Dean left the room.

 _Fuuuuck, did that just happen_?, Roman thought.

Wait, was he actually about to tell Dean that he's in love with him? Was he really doing this now? Did he really feel that? Or was it a heat of the moment kind of feeling? He figured it was the latter. His thoughts were interrupted by Dean entering the room, with someone.

The guy flashed Roman a smile before Dean introduced them, "Roman, meet Daniel." Then he looked over at Daniel, "And Daniel, this is Roman. He's my friend."

Friend. Okay.

"Hi, Roman." The guy said, putting his hand forward for Roman to shake, "Nice to meet you."

"Hey, man. You too.", Roman said, shaking the guy's hand. After a moment, "So, how do the two of you know each other?", Roman didn't really care whether he was intruding or not.

"We're friends." Dean said, a little too quickly.

"Actually, we go way back. We've known each since we were in school." Yeah, Roman's initial feeling was that maybe he's not too fond of this guy. "And friends? Really, Dean?", Daniel continued, raising an eyebrow at Dean, and yep, Roman definitely doesn't like this guy.

"Jeez, fine." Then he looked over at Roman with a smile, "We're dating,".

* * *

Roman showed up at Seth's house about an hour after he stormed out of Dean's. He didn't really remember driving here, but he was here now, so he might as well go inside. He walked up to the front door and knocked, and it sounded much more urgent than he had intended it to.

The door swung open, and there was Seth, "Roman?" He said, looking concerned.

"Yeah, hi." Roman said, coming into the house and pacing around the living room for just a moment before flopping down on the couch.

"Is something wrong?"

"I don't know." Roman shook his head.

"What do you mean you don't know?" Seth asked, sitting down on the couch next to Roman.

"I mean that I'm angry and I don't know why, Seth. Why am I so angry?"

"How would I know?" Seth asked. "Take a deep breath and then talk this out with me."

Roman closed his eyes, breathing deeply.

"So, Dean's dating people now?", Roman casually asked, after a moment of silence.

Oh, so this is what it's about. Seth figured he could handle it.

"Yeah, why are you saying it like that?"

"How long has this been, you know, going on for?"

"About a week or so. This is why you're angry?"

"I don't know, as soon as Dean said it, I started feeling weird. I didn't know what it was, but it was anger, Seth. I'm angry.", Roman said, in utter frustration. "Looks like a fucking douchebag anyway", he said, a little quietly.

"You don't even know him, Ro. From what Dean's told me, he seems like a nice guy."

"And that's another thing!" Roman shouted. "How come he's been talking to you so much? Spending every free day with you? I'm supposed to be his best friend. He's supposed to spend all this time with me, and now he's not, and he said everything is cool between us but I don't buy it and I don't know what I've done now, and I don't know why I'm so fucking angry because none of it makes sense.", Roman knew he was being unreasonable but it wasn't anything Seth couldn't tolerate.

"You know you did heartlessly let the guy down, maybe he needs some time away from you to move on. But are you sure you don't know why you're upset?" Seth asked, looking Roman deep in the eyes.

"Pretty sure."

"Stop thinking and just search. Search your heart and figure it out."

Roman rolled his eyes. Since when did Seth give such good advice? This bullshit used to be Roman's job.

"How do I do that?" He mumbled.

"Close your eyes and just feel for a moment. Think about what happened and why it made you unhappy," Seth said.

Roman wasn't sure if this was going to work, but it was worth a shot. He just wanted to know why he was so angry all of a sudden. He played back the last few months in his mind, trying not to think about anything, and just remember what he felt. He remembered a lot of sex with Dean, and that it felt... good. And he remembered getting home and seeing Galina again, and he had felt underwhelmed, but definitely as though he had missed her. He kissed her and that had felt nice, but her lips felt strange against his, and now he realized it was maybe because he was wondering what Dean's lips would've felt against his. Her hands were too small on his back, and it hadn't felt right. And then, today, Dean's smile when he admitted to dating Daniel. He hadn't known what he had felt at the time, but it felt a lot like jealousy now. But that didn't make any sense. No, he was not supposed to be feeling that. Stop thinking, Roman. He told himself. Stop trying to rationalize. Roman had thought he'd been annoyed and angry, but as he came to feel now, it was jealousy.

He opened his eyes, looking at Seth, "I...I'm jealous." He whispered.

"Of?", Seth knew the answer to that, but he wanted Roman to say it. He wanted Roman to come to terms with what he was actually feeling.

"Of the fact that Daniel's with Dean right now and it should be me.", Roman said, his eyes wide open with surprise. "I should be with Dean right now.", he whispered.

"And why is that, Roman?" Seth asked.

"Because… I'm in love with him." As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Roman had slapped a hand over his mouth.

Where had that come from? He wasn't in love with Dean, he was in love with Galina. And yet when he assessed his feelings, all the rest had been correct, and why else would he have been jealous?

"Mhhm." Seth said with a short little nod, as though he'd been expecting this.

"No." Roman whispered, shaking his head violently back and forth.

"Yes." Seth said. "You wouldn't have said it just now if you didn't feel it, Ro. You know you wouldn't."

"But I can't."

"Love Dean?"

"Right." Roman nodded.

"Why? What's stopping you?"

"Because I'm meant to be with Galina. I'm meant to love her. She thinks I love her, and I thought I did too, and I can't just break her heart. And I've fucked things up with Dean." Roman shook his head. "Did he...Do you know if he...?"

"Loved you back?"

Roman nodded.

"He did." Seth said solemnly. "It was killing him every day on tour. Being with you, but never truly being with you, because he had all these feelings that you didn't have."

"Oh." Roman said. "Oh, that's why..."

"Yeah."

"He's moved on, though. On to this Daniel guy, who treats him well, and doesn't take advantage of him, and that's what I've done, isn't it? I took advantage of him, and I didn't even realize I was. I'd never do that to him on purpose, Seth, you know I wouldn't.", It sounded more like Roman was trying to convince himself that more than anyone else.

"I know." Seth nodded. "I told him as much."

"What do I do?" Roman asked, defeated.

"You tell him how you feel."

"But what about Daniel?" Roman asked.

"I've always believed that the pain may stop, there will be new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The affection for someone who mattered enough will never go away. There is a hole in his heart in the shape of you and no one else can fit it, Roman.", Seth assured him.

Just then, Seth's phone went off and he looked at it, his expression unchanging, as if he was trying not to react to the words on the screen.

"Who is it?" Roman asked.

"No one." Seth said. "Just mum."

"It is not your mum." Roman said, always able to tell when Seth was lying. "Is it him?"

Seth sighed, nodding.

"What'd he say?"

"Nothing important."

"Seth, stop lying to me." Roman sighed. "What did he say?"

"Just that they hit the home run.", Seth said, quietly.

"Oh," Roman could feel his heart begin to crack, and it was stupid, because he'd only just realized how he felt about Dean. But he was rather certain he'd been feeling this way for a dreadfully long time.

* * *

A/N - Yep, it's not the best chapter yet, I wasn't too sure where I was going with this because I had the later chapters sorted and nowhere to go with this, so, consider it as a filler. I'll probably post another chapter tomorrow.

Btw Daniel is not Daniel Bryan. That'd be weird.

But let me know what you guys think. Favorite, Review, Message, just let me know. Thanks for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

A/N - There's a flashback scene in the end which is entirely smut so read at your own risk.

* * *

"So, I guess, Roman knows about Dan?" Seth casually asked Dean the next day.

They were both hanging out at Dean's house, watching some crappy movie when Seth thought it'd be a good time to bring it up.

"Yeah," after a moment of silence, "Wait, how do you know he knows?"

Oh, crap.

"Uh, he called me last night for something, then he told me he visited you and ended up meeting your date too.", Seth partially lied, he doesn't want to be the one telling Dean how shattered Roman is over the whole Dan situation, that he came to his house in the middle of the night and cried his heart out. If anything, it was up to Roman to decide whether he wanted to confess or not. "So, everything's cool between you two now?"

"Yeah, I guess. There was no point in holding onto something that wasn't even mine in the first place. I had to get on with my life, I wasn't going to sulk forever", he then turned to Seth, "I wasn't going to turn into you", he added, with a shit eating grin on his face.

 _Oh, he did not just say that,_ Seth thought.

"Oh okay, so I see how this is. So I help you through your crap and then when you're over it, you make fun of my emotional state? Fuck you, Ambrose", Seth said, kicking Dean on the shin.

"Aww, the missus giving you a hard time again?", Dean asked, pretending to frown.

"I hate you so much right now", Seth mumbled.

And this is what Seth missed, being able to joke around with Dean. He hasn't had much of that in the last few months, so it was good to see Dean's humorous side after so long. Maybe, Dean finally is letting go and trying to start a better life for himself. Whatever it is, Seth is glad he's getting the old Dean back.

"But seriously though, how's the missus? You guys doing okay?"

"She's great, and we're doing pretty well. We're moving into the new place soon. Nothing to complain about", which he was more than thankful for, because Seth, for one, has experienced more heartbreak in the last few years, than most people do in a lifetime. So, to finally find someone who he thinks he can settle down with, again, is a pretty big deal.

Dean could hear the joy and contentment in Seth's voice, and he is happy for him. Seth is one of those people whom Dean wishes unlimited happiness for; Seth's been through hell and back when it comes to love so it's good to see him finally in a happy place.

 _Seth's POV._

Before I joined WWE, I had no responsibilities, no concerns. I was training, I was going where I wanted, when I wanted, doing what I wanted. I was just having fun.

And then I met a girl.

She was sweet, at first. They all are, aren't they? Turns out that red hair was a fuse. It sparked a passion between us, it got hot fast, we clicked, we were compatible, and things just worked. But it took that one girl to change my life completely.

My dream as a kid had always been to travel the world doing something I loved. She'd known about my dream, but didn't expect it to turn into a reality. Turns out she'd had a lot of dreams, too, but they kept getting destroyed. Maybe that was why she felt the need to destroy mine.

We had a talk. A 'what are we, what are we doing, where are we going' talk. She begged me to stay. She'd never wanted kids, a marriage, or a white picket fence before. But since meeting me she said she realized she did want it, eventually. She promised me a lifetime of happiness. I told her that it wasn't just my dream of wrestling that was taking me away from her. I hated where I lived, it was my dream as a child to live in New York. It was actually her idea. If you ask her about it now, she'll deny it all day. But she brought up moving to DC, instead. She said she'd come with me. She wanted to be with me, and would go anywhere. Just not to New York, apparently.

So we did it. It was good for two years. I had my dream job, a nice house, dogs, cars, furniture. One day I decided this was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. So, I proposed. We took our time for the wedding; she didn't want to rush it.

Six months into the engagement. Whenever I'd be home, everything became a fight. At that time, I would've preferred spending more time on the road. Thank God we had a comfortable couch at home, at least. Eventually she suggested that it was the stress of not having her family and friends around. She wanted to move back home. I was in love, and desperate to make things work. I agreed. Took some time off work, and we were back in Iowa.

A week later she suggested breaking up with me. I fought it, I fought hard. And I succeeded, then. We kept working on our relationship. She had literally thrown her engagement ring in my face once. And for a year things were tense, but at least we were trying.

Or I thought.

Then one of her old friends started spending a lot of time at our house while I was away.

"Honey, he's not into girls, you don't have to worry plus he keeps me company while you're gone, I miss hanging out with my friends", she said once.

I'm not one to judge, and I certainly didn't feel threatened. I took him in like he was one of my friends. I invited him over for beer and football whenever I was in town, told him to stay for dinner, and all the good stuff. Several months passed, and I thought I was being supportive of her and her friends.

Instead, I realised I was popping grapes into the mouth of her _new_ boyfriend. They'd been dating and sleeping together for three months under my roof, while I was away, _working_.

 _End of Seth's POV._

It's happened way too many times now. Whenever he got into a relationship, he fell too hard, trusted too much, held on too long, gave in his all, and he always fought hard for his love. Only to then have his heart broken and his love thrown back at him.

Now he knows better than to just let anyone and everyone in.

All this made Seth realise a lot of things, the most important one being, — once you know love exists somewhere, you fight for it and you strive for it, you give it your all to make it work. And if it doesn't, you can at least say that you gave it your all, rather than wonder about the what-ifs, should-haves and could-haves. He'd rather say, 'Oh well, at least I tried' than to wonder what he could've done differently.

* * *

"Do you still love me?", Galina asked.

After spending about four weeks away from Roman, she finally came home. They didn't say much to each other, Roman was waiting for her to start. And well, she started with that.

Roman was confused. He didn't know anymore. He's supposed to love Galina, right? That's his wife. He shouldn't be having feelings for Dean, especially not after all that's happened.

"Yeah, I do.", Roman decided to say.

"Do you feel anything for Dean?"

"I don't know.", he lied.

"So if I ask you to choose between Dean and I, will you be able to do it?"

"What?" Roman looked up to where she is standing in front of him.

"If you have to choose between having either one of us in your life, who would you choose?", she asked, a little louder.

"Where is this coming from?", he was confused as to why she would ask him that.

"The fact that you cheated on your wife with your best fucking friend and that you cared enough about him to tell me that is where this is coming from.", She snapped at him. "Roman, you and I, both know that if it was just some random hook up, you wouldn't tell me about it. So the fact that you did says a lot".

"I told you because I wanted to be fair to you. I wanted to wipe the slate clean; I didn't want to live with the guilt".

"That's when you decided to be fair with me? Not when you started having sex with him?"

"It was an impulse, I'm sorry. I don't know how it happened, but it did. We were on a fucking break.", he knew it was a weak excuse, but he had to say something.

"An impulse is a one night stand, not a fucking agreement. You know what? Fine, I'll give you that. We were on a break, but you were a married man, we took that break to fix our marriage, not make it worse. Do you not see the problem here, Roman?", she was furious now.

Roman didn't know what to say anymore. So, Galina continued.

"Roman, I'll ask you this one last time, if you had to choose between your wife and your best friend, who would you rather have in your life?", she asked, a little calmer.

"Why can't I have both my wife and my best friend in my life?"

"Because you fucking cheated on your wife with your best friend.", she said, screaming at Roman. "One of them has to go. Can you make that damn choice?"

"I… can't", he honestly didn't know what was happening anymore, here he thought they were trying to fix their marriage and now it's come down to him having to choose between the two most important people in his life.

"You'd rather have him, wouldn't you?" She asked quietly.

Roman didn't answer, but _she knew_.

"Roman, I'm ready to work things out if you choose me but if it's him, I can't help you. I love you, I want you in my life but I don't want only half your heart. You have to tell me. Do you want to work things out?", she was getting agitated at his silence.

Galina knew they had lost their flame about a year ago, their marriage turned rocky, and nothing seemed to work out anymore. That's why when she found out Roman cheated on her, she was disappointed but not too surprised, and she felt that it was the final nail on the coffin. Unless Roman was willing to work things out, which she doubted.

"Roman,", she started slowly, "you have to give me an answer. You're putting both our lives on hold here. I want to work through this with you, I want to make our marriage work, and I can only do that if I know what you want."

"I'm sorry," Roman looked up at her, "but I'd choose him."

Galina saw it coming but didn't expect it to hurt this bad. This was it, that's their marriage. It made Roman sad seeing her fuming like this, but Galina wasn't angry she was just… heartbroken. Galina is normally a kind and sweet girl—though she has a sarcastic streak just like him. Roman might not have loved her romantically anymore, but he loves her enough to feel the pang of guilt for being the one to hurt her.

"I never knew it was going to go so far when I started things off with Dean. It just happened."

"There's nothing worse than the feeling of being cheated on, especially when you know the marriage is already falling apart. I just wish it didn't happen. Or even if it was with someone else, I maybe could've got past it. But if you yourself don't want to work things out, there's nothing I can do. Are you sure you don't want to work through this? Because I could do it.", she said, looking Roman in the eyes.

"I was unhappy, you were unhappy, none of would've ended it on our own so this was probably for the best.", Roman's words were harsh, but he knew this was the truth. "We both settled when we got married but I know there are people who are better for us out there. I'm sorry."

She didn't admit it but there was a certain truth to what Roman was saying, they got together when they were young, and never really discovered what else was out there. They felt safe with each other; maybe they did settle when they probably could've found someone better if they tried. _And maybe that's what Roman did_ , she thinks, _he went out and found someone else who would be better for him._ She couldn't really blame him for not wanting to settle anymore.

"But why did make me choose?", Roman decided to ask.

"I didn't ask you to choose for real, I wanted to know who you would pick if you had to. If I wouldn't have made you choose, I think in the end, you would have stayed with me, out of obligation or maybe comfort. Maybe I was safe to you, and you needed to feel that when you fuck up. You knew you could screw up and then come to me, and I'd probably forgive you. I know how scared you get of the unknown. To you, I must be kind of like a security blanket. Do you see now, how that doesn't work for me? I don't want to be there, simply because the idea of me being gone is too...scary. I want to be someone's everything. I want fire and passion, and love that's returned, equally. I don't see that between us anymore, that's why I asked you if you wanted to make things work, maybe then we could've tried. I want to be someone's heart, Roman, even if it means breaking my own", she said, tears stinging in her eyes.

Roman then got up, and pulled her into a hug. They held each other for a while, cherishing their last few moments together. "I'm sorry it had to end like this, and I really hope one day you find someone who treats you like deserve.", he then hugged her tighter, and said quietly, "because I know I didn't.".

* * *

The late winter air is cooling down for the night and Dean presses closer to the side of his boy, leaning his temple on his shoulder. It's a lovely evening and Dean is happy. He is.

They were both in bed; Dean suddenly stares at Dan and quickly shuts his gaping mouth to make sure no unwanted words come out. It's not like he didn't expect this to happen. They'd been on a few dates and this seemed like the next logical step, but Dean's mind is going a hundred miles a minute. He feels completely overwhelmed, not because of the sex, this wasn't their first time together, per say, but by the fact that, in his mind, the brown eyed man in front of him has suddenly transformed into a long haired 30 year old man with bright eyes and a smile that can light up the world.

 _"Stay with me", Roman whispered in Dean's ears as he was about to get up from the bed, "we still have an hour left, you know, we could go for another round."_

 _Of course Dean wasn't going to say no, he wouldn't. Not to Roman. His moss, green eyes trailed back up and met with Roman's pleading grey's._

 _"Dean, fuck." Roman choked out in a moan. His eyes were closed, mouth open as he panted with his head thrown back. His dark hair was falling against his face as he began to sweat. He had his hands buried in the head of curls that was currently between his legs._

 _Dean moaned with Roman's cock fully in his mouth, the tip was at the back of his throat and Roman's grip tightened at the vibrations the moan caused. Roman pushed his hips up further into Dean's mouth causing him to gag but he quickly recomposed himself. He let his tongue drag against the thick vein that ran up the bottom of Roman's dick. He swiveled his tongue side to side and hollowed his cheeks until he reached the tip._

 _Dean wrapped one of his hands around Roman's shaft with the tip still in his mouth. He looked up as Roman opened his eyes to look down. Roman moaned at the sight of Dean's lips tightly encasing the tip; his green eyes staring right at him. Roman groaned when Dean swirled his tongue around the tip then pulled off with a loud pop after he pressed his tongue into the slit to taste Roman's precum, never letting his eyes leave Roman's._

 _"Fuck Roman. Fuck me, please," Dean growled in this deep, raspy voice that made Roman's dick twitch._

 _Roman turned them around, rested his weight on his hands, one braced on each side of Dean's head. He balanced himself on one hand and used his other hand to guide his tip so it was pressing against Dean's hole. Dean bit his lip and never let his eyes leave Roman's as the older man began to push himself in. Dean dug his fingers into Roman's forearm as he slowly bottomed out._

 _Dean hissed when Roman stopped. He took in a deep breath before releasing it slowly. Roman kissed his neck and let his lips linger there for a moment. "Always so fucking tight, Dean."_

 _"You're huge, Ro," Dean replied before moving his hips slightly. The action caused Roman to gasp and bite his lips. He pulled out half way and pushed back in to make sure Dean was actually ready. The moan Dean let out was loud and porn-worthy. Roman groaned then pulled out almost all the way then slammed back in._

 _Dean's back arched off of the bed and he moved his hands from Roman's arms to the muscular back. He let his nails dig into the skin as Roman continued to slide in and out of him. He began clawing down Roman's back when he felt Roman's dick begin pounding his prostate. He screamed Roman's name. "Deeper, Roman!" he groaned in pure bliss._

 _Dean felt heaviness in his chest but blamed it on the quickly increasing temperature in the room. Roman brought a hand up to pinch and play with one of Dean's nipples making the younger man gasp and dig his nails deeper into his back. Roman leaned down to suck a mark into Dean's smooth skin, this time just to the right of his Adam's apple._

 _He loved the feeling of his lips and tongue on Dean's throat. He could feel the vibrations every time Dean moaned or groaned. He could feel Dean's pulse pumping beneath the press of his tongue; how the beating flow sped up when Roman would thrust into Dean's sweet spot dead on sending surges of pleasure through his body._

 _Roman bit down hard enough to make Dean literally scream. He wasn't uncomfortable though, not at all. In fact he loved the little bursts of pain while he was getting fucked. It made the sex that much more pleasurable._

And, no. Dean is not doing this right now. He has designated a locked box in his head for such memories and that is where the bright eyed man is supposed to stay. Dean takes a deep breath and mentally pushes the memories back into the box, seals it tight, and stores it in a bolted closet in the back of his mind. No. Just, no.

Dean smiled at the man lying next to him, trying his best to ignore his moment of weakness.

* * *

A/N - Well, that happened. Some people were interested in Seth's backstory, so here's a little something. I know didn't do justice to it but I didn't feel the need to incorporate any actual characters in it, so, apologies for that.

But, I hope you liked the rest of it!

Favorite, review, message me, just let me know what you think. Thanks for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

It's been two weeks since the talk with Galina, he's been living at Seth's since then, as his girlfriend is out of town but she's coming back tomorrow and Roman figures it'd be better to find some other place to live before she comes back. But as of now, it's raining and it's cold in his room as he listens to droplets of water pelt his window. It's roughly 3 in the morning and Roman can't sleep. He's been lying in bed, twisted up in his sheets, staring at the ceiling fan go. His skin feels uncomfortable and his body is strumming with a kind of energy he doesn't know what to do with. He doesn't have the energy to actually get out of bed, but it's a near thing. The blades spinning above his head are calming to watch and his mind goes blissfully numb as he focuses on keeping his eye on one specific blade as it goes in circles. He starts to feel a bit dizzy and has to look over at the wall.

His eyes fall on his dresser in the far corner and can just make out the pictures in the frames that adorn it. There's a picture of Seth, him, and Dean with gelato all over the place, sitting in a small cute shack a few summers back when they'd decided to blow their money and take a few days to tour Venice and soak in the culture. They'd gotten lost in the winding streets and the center of the small town had made the sweltering heat sticky on their skin. The little gelato place they'd found along the street was a God send and they'd decided that a picture of the mess they'd made would be the best way to remember the day. Roman smiles and tries to snuggle further into his covers, but the sheets twist too tightly around his torso and he feels like he might suffocate.

Roman stretches and tries to stop thinking about Dean. It doesn't work. He'll never admit it, not even to Seth, but he's thought of Dean every day since the night he realized he's in love with him. Sometimes, Roman is thankful for Seth's silence. Sometimes Roman will be listening to the radio and a song will come on that will make him think of Dean, and he will try to be all subtle and change the radio station, and Dean will make a noise of protest from the backseat because it's his new favorite song, and Seth will stay quiet and reach over and squeeze Roman's shoulder as if to physically remind him to stay in the present. Seth never says anything, and Roman rarely shares.

Roman sighs, trying to push out all the old memories with one solid breath. God, he's pathetic. He hasn't felt this emotional over anyone in years.

Roman walks out of his room and makes sure to avoid the creaky spot on the floor as he passes Seth's room. He sees Seth's jacket draped over a kitchen chair and rifles through the pockets until he's got his hand around a lighter and a pack of cigarettes. The house has a small balcony, enough room to stand, and Roman can see the rain falling in through the glass door that leads outside. It's stupid and pathetic and really just a scene for the movies, but he walks out onto the balcony and lets the rain wash over him. It takes a few tries, but the lighter eventually lights the cigarette and Roman takes a long, even puff. He's not normally a smoker, but he's been at it for a few days now and tonight he enjoys the feeling of the heavy smoke sliding down his throat and burning his lungs.

Roman starts to shiver but can't bring himself to leave. He deserves this. He wants the rain to wash away the memory of Dean. Maybe some nights, this is what Dean felt like, maybe just a little, chest feeling tight and heavy, throat clenching around words he'll never get to say.

Roman shakes his head to rid himself of that memory and takes another drag. He tries to blow a smoke ring and fails. He's never been able to get the hang of it. He watches the smoke curl itself through the atmosphere and sink in.

Thinking back, it probably should have been a sign to Roman that this was going to tear him to pieces, split him into fragments.

The rain has mostly stopped by the time Roman hears the door open behind him. He glances up, shivering from the cold, to see Seth looking at him. He doesn't give him any pitiful looks or anything. He's just studying Roman, eyes roaming over Roman's face. He comes to sit down beside him and drapes an arm over Roman's shoulder to pull him closer. Seth reaches out and grabs the pack of cigarettes that Roman had stuffed into his pocket so he could hide them better next time. He hated seeing Roman smoke, he never said it, but Roman knew.

Seth puffs relentlessly, not waiting to enjoy the smoke filling his lungs before he exhales, and Roman watches the smoke float over his face. Seth only smokes like this when he's on edge and Roman suddenly feels even more horrible because he's dragging Seth into his personal mess once again. Seth smiles and blows a perfect smoke ring in Roman's face. Bastard.

It's a long time before Roman can move his tongue and keep his teeth from chattering, even being pressed against the comforting warmth of Seth's side.

"Why am I so pathetic?" Roman asks into the fabric of Seth's t-shirt.

"You're not pathetic," Seth says. He takes another drag, this time trapping the smoke into his lungs for an extended beat before exhaling with a sigh. "It's Dean."

It's so simple. Those two words: It's Dean. The meaning behind them could be the inspiration for poems. The phrase states everything that's wrong with Roman. Dean is the first person he ever loved so much that it physically hurted him. He loves him so fiercely that sometimes he couldn't even see straight, and it was the most terrifying and rewarding experience of his life. He's never loved anyone as much as he loves Dean.

"Do you think he loves me?", Roman asked. Seth sighed, "Of course he did."

"Did?", Roman turned to look at him.

"Roman, it's been a long time. He told me he's over it, he's dating now, and I don't know what his stance is anymore.", he was being honest.

"What do I do now?"

"All you have to do is speak up. Tell him straight up. Don't beat around the bush, which you tend to do lately, so, just a heads up.", Seth side-eyed him, "Tell him you love him, be honest; that you want to be with him, stay with him, live your life with him, and whatever else it is."

"Was it real?", Roman asked, his voice almost inaudible.

"Are you really asking that? Of course it was real, because if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else but he still did it. Now you know."

And that's all Roman needed to hear.

* * *

The next day, Roman's fingers shake as he knocks on the door. It takes a few moments, but he can hear someone walking around on the other side of the door. When it opens, Dean's standing there in low riding flannel pants and a grey shirt. He looked so gorgeously soft-looking and Roman really wants to kiss him silly.

"Hey, Ro. What's up?", Dean smiles, and God, Roman thinks he's falling in love with him deeper as every moment passes by. He doesn't remember the last time Dean smiled at him so genuinely. Maybe Dean actually is over the whole situation. Well, Roman's timing isn't the best, then.

"Hey," Roman croaks out.

"What are you doing here?" he asks, voice soft.

"I'm here to see you, actually."

"Come on in, then."

Roman made his way in, they sat down, had a few drinks, just talked about random stuff for hours without bringing up anything that happened over the span of the last few months, and both the men were thankful that they were back on good terms. It felt like old times. They missed this.

Until a moment later, when Roman decided he told Dean about the rest of the story.

"I told Galina everything", Roman said, staring intently at the bottle in his hands.

"What?", Dean looked at him in surprise.

"I told her about us."

"Why would you do that? There's no way she would've found out."

"I didn't want to lie to her anymore. I had to take responsibility for my actions regardless of what the consequences would be. I learned that the hard way.", Roman said, Dean _knew_ what he was referring to.

"What did she say?", Dean asked, not knowing what the best response to that was.

But Roman didn't answer.

"Roman.", Dean said sternly.

"We're getting divorced."

"What?", Dean definitely didn't see that coming, "Are you serious?"

"Yeah"

"Come on, man, it's you guys. You two can make it work. I know she'll understand if you tell her it didn't mean anything."

"She offered to work through this,"

"And?"

"I didn't want to, I wanted out."

Dean was confused, like, really confused.

"Roman, are you hearing yourself right now? She's the best thing that's ever happened to you. Why would you let her go away without putting up a fight?"

Dean wasn't lying. Back when Dean didn't have feelings for Roman, he always believed that Roman and Galina were an almost perfect couple. That they were both lucky to have found each other, and he always rooted for them.

"Because she asked me to choose between you and her."

"What does that even mean?", his mind was muddled.

"She asked me who I would pick if I had to choose between having any one of you in my life. It was either my wife or my best friend."

"That's crazy, Ro. She wouldn't do that."

Dean had a hard time processing all of this. He could manage back to being just friends with Roman, but to quit being friends with Roman; Dean couldn't imagine that. He can't imagine his life without Roman. It just didn't sound right.

"Why wouldn't she? I cheated on her with you, I think she had the right to ask me that", Roman said with a little chuckle.

"But then why didn't you choose her?"

Dean is not sure why he asked that, maybe he just wanted to know why Roman would prioritize him over his marriage.

"Because I found out that maybe she isn't the best thing that's ever happened to me", Roman started, then trailed off... "Perhaps you're the best thing that's ever happened to me"

Dean wasn't sure whether he heard that right.

"Roman, listen to yourself. She is your wife, she's a lot more important than a best friend. You can't give up so easily", Dean just didn't want to be the reason why a beautiful marriage failed. There was no way she would've made him stop being friends with Dean for real. Or maybe she would. He was the villain in the situation, anyway.

"I'm in love with you.", Roman decided to announce.

"You what?", Dean asked, it's not even a whisper, it's a breath.

"When she told me to choose between the two of you, I just couldn't think of a life without you, whereas I could picture my life without her, and to me, that spoke volumes. I love you, Dean, I fell in love with you somewhere along the way, and I don't want to feel any other way,", Roman breathed, "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You were my best friend and my lover, and I don't regret a single moment of it. You made me feel alive again.", Roman looked at Dean, waiting for him to say something.

It's so, so fucking quiet in the room.

Dean was speechless. Everything he was trying to escape is coming back at him.

"I really hope you're joking right now.", Dean said, after a long silence.

"I'm dead serious."

Roman gently placed his hand on top of Dean's hand and just held him. It felt good; it felt good to finally be so close to Dean again. Roman was thanking his stars that Dean didn't move his hands away. But that didn't last too long, as after a moment of staring at their hands placed together, Dean suddenly moved his hand away and got up from where he was sitting on the couch next to Roman.

"Well, in that case, fuck you, Roman.", Dean snapped, "Does this look like a fucking game to you? That you can just come in here and tell me you love me according to your own convenience? I'm sorry, but it doesn't work that way." Dean shook his head.

"Dean, I know I took too long but - "

"No, Roman. Just, no. You don't get to say that anymore, I spent six months of my life crying over you and right when I'm about to close that chapter of my life, you come in here and tell me you love me? This is not a fairy tale, Ro. I'm not your happy ending. You fucked up your marriage; you have to deal with it. I'm sorry you fell in love with me or whatever it is. But you'll have to work through it yourself. I don't know what you planned on back then, but after how things ended, you made me feel like I was unlovable, you didn't have to tell me that out loud but the message was received loud and clear. I have been hearing that all my life, but I never thought I'd ever experience it coming from you. So, please I don't want to go back to that. You took away my happiness from me, and I don't have much left in my life anymore, but take it, whatever you want, it's yours. Go ahead; destroy it all if you want."

Nothing is worse and more hurtful than a happiness that comes too late. At this point, no one realizes this better than Dean. It gives no pleasure, and it deprives you of that most precious of rights - the right to swear and curse at your fate. Dean has nothing to complain about from his life anymore, he wanted Roman to love him and now, here he is, confessing his love for Dean and the only thing Dean can think is, _it's_ _just too fucking late now._

"What are you even talking about? I'm not here to destroy anything; I'm here to fix things. You know I would never ever make you feel unlovable intentionally, I wouldn't do that. All I want is one chance.", Roman looked at Dean with hope.

"No", he let out quietly.

"What?"

"I don't want to go down that road again, I dealt with my issues alone over the last few months, and I'm finally over it. But you never, not even once, came to my rescue. So, don't, just don't, drag me down with you again." Dean said, looking Roman straight in the eyes.

"Dean, don't be like that. I'm sorry for what I did and for all the pain it caused you, if I could, I would take it all back. But I really want to do this. I want to be with you", he pleaded.

"But you can't fucking take it back, can you? I went through hell and back, my life was put on a fucking hold just because I was trying to get over you. Sure, I fell in love with you, that wasn't your fault, I'm not blaming it on you, nor did I ever tell you about it because you had a love life I didn't want to interfere in, and now I'm expecting the same from you. Don't bring this to me, I finally have a love life and I don't want you to interfere in it. We just got back to being friends, and this is what you come and tell me.", Dean let out a little laugh.

"Dean, you have to understa-"

"There were things I wanted to tell you back then. But I knew they would hurt you or put you in a bad situation. So I buried them, and let them hurt me", Dean said, impassively, "Roman, I beg you, please let this go. For the last time, don't drag me down with you. Just leave."

Roman contemplated whether to leave or not, but he didn't have anywhere else to go. Galina was at _their_ house, nor does he want to go back to Seth's because he doesn't want to bother him and his girlfriend. Might as well take a shot here.

"Dean, can I ask you for a favor?", Roman asked, scared. Not wanting Dean to lash out.

"What is it?", he replied, rather calmly.

"Can I stay here until we hit the road? I'll take the couch, that's all I need."

He knew Dean probably wanted him as far away from him as possible so he wasn't really hoping for anything positive.

"Why?"

"Galina is at the house and I figured she-", he was cut off by Dean, "Sure, stay for as long as you want", he said, with a little smile on his face.

"Thank you.", he really was thankful, especially after that little outburst, he didn't think Dean would allow him to stay.

"Come on, I'll show you to the spare bedroom.", Dean offered.

"It's fine, I don't want to be too much of a hassle, I'll be fine bunking on the couch."

"You're enough of a hassle already so you might as well take that bedroom.", Dean stated, as a matter of fact. "Plus, you don't want to cause harm to your back sleeping on the couch, so get your stuff and let me show you to the room. Did you bring any stuff?"

"Yeah, it's in the car", Roman couldn't help but smile at how caring Dean was being after what just happened. "Thank you, again".

"Don't mention it, it's not like I'm a stranger."

Well, here's something Roman could work with.

 _So now he and I are "friends" - not best friends, not with benefits, but just memories_ , Roman thought as he hit the sack for the night. This was going to be a long ride, but Roman was ready for it. _I just listened to someone give up._ _Someone I know—someone I'm in love with. Maybe I am too late_ , Roman kept thinking.

* * *

A/N - Dun dun dun, confessions everywhere.

FYI - I'll post the next chapter in about a week, it's my birthday weekend so I'm going to take a few days off.

But anyway, let me know what you think about this. Favorite, review, message me, or wherever, just let me know! Thank you for reading and for all the kind words!


	8. Chapter 8

Light streamed in from the cracked blinds and into his eyes, pulling him out of a restless sleep. Roman groaned softly and stretched his muscles slowly before opening his eyes. He feels achy deep in his bones. He lets out a long sigh and stretches again, ignoring his body's protests as he swings his legs off the bed to stand up.

Roman finds it hilarious how sometimes the best and worst times of your life can coincide. Here he is in the same house as the guy who he's terribly in love with, and while that is supposed to make him the happiest man on the planet, it also makes him the saddest. Why? Because the man he's in love with, is not even his. They say it is the talent of the soul to discover the joy in pain, and vice versa — thinking of moments he longs for, and knowing maybe he'll never have them again. The beautiful ghost of his past haunts him, and yet he still can't decide if the pain it caused outweighs the tender moments they shared. Or whether those moments really are worth fighting for.

He decided to give his mind some rest for now so he heads off to the bathroom to freshen up, and looks at himself in the mirror. It's like there is a stranger staring down from the other side of the mirror. The stranger's eyes are tired and sad with bags under his eyes. He's got a beard which hasn't seen a razor in days.

Roman reaches out and grabs the shaving cream off the shelf.

"You're going to get razor burn with that stuff," a deep voice says behind him.

Roman tries to control the smile that graces his lips and fails. He spins around to see Dean standing behind him with a razor in his hand, one of those nice expensive electric ones that move with the contours of your jaw and supposedly don't cut you when you're in a rush.

Roman self-consciously reaches up and scrubs a hand over his thickening beard. He hasn't had a shave in a few days, and with almost everything going wrong for him, he just couldn't be bothered. He looks good with a beard anyway, so it's not really a big deal. But Roman just prefers less stubble most of the time, especially when talking to pretty people. In this case, it's Dean. For God's sake, he's got a guy to impress. A shave isn't the worst idea at the moment.

"How do you know it won't be good for my face?" Roman asks, quirking his eyebrow, leaning against the sink, shifting his weight to one foot, and folding his arms. It's his natural flirty stance and the way Dean's lips tug into a small smirk shows that he knows exactly what Roman is doing.

"'Because it is cheap and your face has always been sensitive unlike mine which can survive these cheap ass products," Dean tells him with a shrug like he's explaining why the sky is blue.

"Oh yeah?" Roman challenges, though it's a stupid thing to say because they both know the answer and he sounds a bit like a petulant child.

"Yeah," Dean murmurs as he reaches up and traces the pad of his index finger across the skin of Roman's neck, a small little circle about half way between his shoulder and jaw. "Especially, right there."

Roman fights back the shiver that attempts to run down his spine because Dean is touching him. He feels like a 12 year old with a crush because his skin ignites under the simple touch. It's a stupid finger, for God's sake, but his body has been starving for Dean's gentle hands for weeks now.

"If you can wait for a day, then we could go shopping tomorrow, and get you some shaving supplies so you don't end up hurting your delicate face," Dean said with a smirk, almost as if mocking Roman for his skin type.

"I can wait, thanks for that," Roman said, with a smile. Just as Roman was about to get closer to him, Dean turned away from him and started walking towards the door.

"Dean," Roman tries, wishes beyond hope that Dean will stay just a few moments more and let him say his peace. But his plea is ignored by Dean.

"Don't be late for breakfast," Dean says, without turning his back, before walking out of sight.

* * *

"So, how's Daniel?" Roman asked, as Dean came out to join him in the pool area, holding two cups of coffee in his hand.

They decided to lay out poolside for the rest of the day, letting the sun warm their skin and watch the clouds roll past. Being around Dean, falling back into their playful routine, is as easy as breathing. Roman's not sure if that's a good thing or not, but he's not going to complain. He's certainly not here to just be friends with Dean, but he's surely willing to give it some time.

"Roman," Dean said without facing him, knowing exactly where this was going.

"What? I'm serious. I'd like to know what is going on in my friend's love life.", Lies, all lies.

"In that case, he's doing well.", Dean said, turning to face Roman, "So are we".

Ouch.

"Now that we're on that topic", Dean continued, "he's coming over tonight, so, try being nice"

"Whoa, what makes you think I won't be nice?", Roman said, acting like he was falsely accused of a crime he'd never commit.

"Because I know you."

Those words, Dean spoke them so easily, but it held so much more meaning. To Roman. To both of them. And Dean noticed the expression in Roman's face change, and he knew he struck a chord with Roman by saying that so he quickly changed the topic.

"Anyway, here's your coffee. By the way, you slept alright last night? Let me know if you need anything around here."

"Thanks," Roman said taking the coffee from him, "I'm all good, don't trouble yourself for me."

Roman looks up to see Dean watching him, a question in his eyes. It hits Roman suddenly that Dean's waiting for his approval. Roman remembered how Dean almost never steps in to the kitchen, so the fact that he at least bothered to make him breakfast first, and now, coffee, is a pretty big deal. Roman takes a sip, making sure to blow the steaming liquid first, and smiles as he swallows. Little sugar and no milk. Of course, Dean remembered..

"Perfect," Roman nearly purrs and watches as Dean smiles under the compliment. Then Dean decides to lay down on the lounger next to Roman's, to soak in all the sun.

Roman stares at Dean's body, lying next to him in just a pair of shorts, all defined muscle and taunt skin. Roman wants to taste the skin so badly he almost drools.

"This is nice." Dean says, smile on his lips.

Roman hums in agreement and shuts his eyes against the glare of the sun. The sun is warm on his back and he feels as content as he could ever be. He opens his eyes a few minutes later to see Dean watching him. When Dean notices that he's been caught, he quickly turns away, a blush crawling up his cheeks. _Looks like I'm not the only one who's staring_ , Roman thought.

"Staring at my body while I'm resting is creepy, Deano."

Dean snorts and shakes his head, fiddling with his fingers.

"Whatever, Ro."

It's like a dam breaks at the use of the nicknames. Soft phrases and gentle touches flood Dean's mind and for once, he lets the overwhelming feeling of hurt wash over him. He keeps his eyes on Roman though, and reminds himself that he's sitting right there, right in front of his eyes, and that he's real. His body tenses up thinking about how things could've been different if none of that happened six months ago, how different life would've been if Roman was actually his. It's like Roman sensed Dean's tension and reached his hand out to comfort Dean. Why wouldn't he? Roman has always known him better than the back of his hand because he seems to realize what Dean needs before Dean can form the words. It's scary that even after six months apart, Roman can still steady him.

Roman reaches out and presses his thumb right into Dean's hipbone. Right where he used to leave thumb prints six months ago when he gripped too tight as he filled Dean up or when he was feeling particularly rough and gripped hard into Dean's skin. Now, it's just a steady pressure that won't necessarily leave a bruise, but it's Roman sharing physical contact to anchor him. Always his anchor.

"I'm sorry," he hears Roman whisper over the rushing in his ears. Roman couldn't imagine how much all this stuff must have hurt Dean over the last few months because now that Roman's in a similar situation, it's almost killing him, and it's only been a few days. Therefore, he knows that no matter how much he apologizes, it's never going to be enough to compensate for the pain he caused Dean.

"Don't," Dean manages to say back. "Please."

Roman nods but keeps this thumb pressed into the cut of Dean's hip. It takes a few minutes, but Dean's able to catch his breath. Roman still doesn't remove his finger, even if he can tell Dean doesn't need him anymore. That's not true though, is it? Dean's always going to need Roman.

"So where did all these come from then?" Roman asks, nodding to Dean's chest. "You got a biter for a boyfriend?"

It takes longer than it should for Dean to register what he's talking about. He glances down at his bare chest to see all the bite marks that Daniel left on him a few nights ago.

Roman makes a humming noise in the back of his throat. He reaches over and deliberately presses a finger into one of the darker bruises on Dean's chest. Dean lets out a surprised groan, both from the pain and from the way Roman eyes flash with the same jealous possessiveness he's never seen before. It's not fair for him to do this, but Dean can't seem to find the words or will to push him away. Whereas six months ago, Roman would push on the bruises he sucked into Dean's skin and Dean would lose himself in the pleasure and pain of it all. It was a form of punishment whenever Dean would give Roman a hard time before getting him off. It became a thing that they did, and it appears that Roman still enjoys pushing on people's bruises. Or, maybe just Dean's. He doesn't let that line of thinking go too far.

"Ro," Dean whispers, not sure why he even said it or what he's asking for.

Roman immediately drops both of his hands and brings them to his own lap. He refuses to look at Dean for a few minutes and Dean just lays there staring at Roman's profile. He's not exactly sure what just happened but his skin burns from the physical contact and he _wants it back_. He doesn't do anything about it though, because as he said the previous night, Roman is his friend now, again, and he needs to focus on not blurring any lines with this shaky form of friendship. Plus, Dean has a boyfriend, which he has to keep reminding himself about. Maybe that is a problem. Surely, it is.

Another problem is that Roman seems to have momentarily forgotten the lines as well. But it isn't like Roman wants to remain within those boundaries. Dean wasn't sure as to what Roman's mind set was anymore after their conversation the previous night. Roman isn't going to pursue this any further, is he?

"Sorry," Roman says again, looking down while fiddling with his watch.

"It's okay." Dean said, quietly.

* * *

"You really think letting him stay with you is a good idea?" Daniel asked Dean. They were in Dean's bedroom after having dinner together, which Roman voluntarily stayed out of. The thing is, Daniel knows about the whole Dean and Roman situation, about their 'friends with benefits' agreement and as to how that worked out for Dean. What Dean didn't tell him is all the things Roman said the previous night. His confession. Dean was well aware that it could cause friction in their relationship, which was the last thing he wanted, considering he was finally in a good place with someone and he didn't want his past to come back to him. He was ready to move on from Roman. He is moving on from Roman. Roman was just a friend to Dean now and he was certain to keep it that way, and that is what he told Daniel. Just that, Roman was having problems at home, and needed a place to stay so he came to Dean. It wasn't really a lie. He was just leaving things out.

"It's not a big deal, I'm over him. We're friends now and I'm just helping him out." Dean assured him.

"It isn't about the fact that you're over him, it's just that staying with a guy you previously had feelings for in such closed quarters is not the best of plans."

"Are you saying you don't trust me around Roman?" Dean said, feeling a little hurt.

"It is not about trust, of course, I trust you. But you have to step into my shoes and see why this would bother me. I mean, would you like it if my ex started living in the same house as me while I'm dating you?" Daniel asked.

Maybe Daniel had a good point. Now that Dean thinks about it, he wouldn't have liked it if Daniel's ex started living in the same house as him. But this is Roman, thing are different with him. Someway.

"But he's not my ex", Dean stated, as a matter of fact.

"And that's worse because then it means you guys don't have closure and it doesn't take a lot to open up that can of worms. All the potential feelings can come out during these few days, it's not just you, it could be him. What if he starts developing feelings for you?"

 _A little too late for that now_ , Dean thought.

"Babe, you have to trust me on this," Dean said, reaching out to wrap his arms around Daniel's waist, "that chapter of my life is over, don't overthink it", he then pulled their bodies closer, "plus, I have you now, I don't need anyone else.". He pressed their lips together, it was soft at first but soon it turned into a sloppy kiss, both smiling too much to get things right. Daniel wasn't really convinced but he figured they could argue about it later considering this might be a bit more important. Dean bit down on Daniel's bottom lip and sucked it into his mouth, receiving a moan from the back of Daniel's throat.

"If you say so," Daniel said, huffing out a breath as he started to unbutton Dean's shirt. After he's done, he pushes Dean back until he's on the bed and sets himself down on top of Dean gently, their bodies sliding together. Just as he was about to unbuckle Dean's pants, the bedroom door flew open.

"Dean, where the hell do you keep the-?", Roman finally looked up to see the couple entangled in bed, "Oh shit, I'm so sorry, I'll come back later", he said, as he shuffled out of the room closing the door behind him.

Dean released a long sigh, and looked at Daniel - who was next to him now, as he got off Dean the moment he saw Roman - with an apologetic look on his face.

"I'm sorry about th-", Dean started, but was cut off by Daniel who got off the bed and started gathering his belongings, "Actually, I'm not really in the mood tonight, I'm going to go home now. I'll see you soon. Probably not here.", it sounded like he said the last part just to himself and with that, he left.

Dean just let out a frustrated groan after Daniel left. Did he really expect to get laid while Roman's in the house? The guy who confessed his love for him the previous night? Did Dean really expect Roman - the guy who never fucking gave up on anything - to let his love go so easily while he's right there? Dean found it comical, really. Like, how could he expect all of that out of Roman? He knew what Roman was doing, this is exactly what he asked him not to do, and that was interfering in his relationship.

Maybe, letting him stay in his house was probably not the best decision after all.

* * *

"How hard is it to listen to me?", Dean asked as he entered Roman's room and shoved him against the wall, anger rushing through him.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Roman replied, a little taken aback. He'd be lying if he said he was expecting anything less.

 _Oh, two can play at this game then_ , Dean thought.

"Do you fucking not? Fine, I'll break it down for you. I asked you for one thing and that was to not interfere in my relationship. Now, did you follow it?", he said, looking Roman straight in the eyes.

"Well yeah, I skipped dinner to give you two some privacy.", he said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"What about after dinner when you knew Daniel and I were going to be in my room. Did our privacy not matter then?"

"I didn't know he was there.", Roman replied, not making any eye contact with Dean.

"Did you not? Really?", Dean asked, raising his eyebrows. He was not buying any of the stuff Roman was telling him.

"Yeah", he breathed out.

"Fine, then what happened to knocking, Roman?"

"I was in a hurry", he answered, looking into Dean's eyes for a split second then turning his eyes away. Big mistake. Even Roman wouldn't buy his own lies.

"About that, what were you looking for?"

"Uhh, some aftershave."

"Aftershave? Really?"

And just then Roman remembered their conversation from this morning when they decided on going shopping for shaving supplies the next day. Well, maybe it wasn't the most thought out lie. Sue him.

"Yeah", he said. Might as well go with it now.

"Did you look for it?", Dean asked. "Yes", he replied.

"Because as far as I remember, it's on the top shelf. It's hard to miss it if you look for it."

Roman was about to speak but Dean continued, "Besides,", rubbing his index finger near Roman's jaw making him flinch at the little contact, "it doesn't look like you've shaved in days, so why would you need it? And I'm fairly sure we spoke this morning about going shopping for that stuff tomorrow, so I don't see as to why you were looking for it. So, in conclusion, you're either a really shitty person or you just have a bad memory; I'll leave that for you to decide." Dean said, his voice full of spite.

"Whatever Dean," Roman said, pushing Dean's hand away, "Sorry to ruin your sex session. Now, good night."

"Just out of curiosity, how many of those accidents can I expect whenever Daniel's here?"

"Good night, Dean", Roman said, a little louder, facing away from Dean.

"You know what, Ro? I didn't think that you, out of all people, would be so petty." Dean said, before slamming the door behind him, as he left the room.

Roman hated what he was doing, he doesn't want to be the one making Dean angry but nor does he want Daniel around Dean. Sure, he was being selfish but why wouldn't he be? It was Dean. _His_ Dean. Roman fell in love with him. But he doesn't just say that by default as if there's no one else available for him to love. He loves him because he chooses to, every day that he wakes up, every day that they will fight or lie or disappoint each other. Roman will choose Dean over and over again. And that's why he has to fight for him, and this was just the start of it. Maybe someday Dean will listen to him. He's not going to give this up.

 _It was heartfelt, it was heartbreaking._

 _It was extreme joy, it was bone-crushing grief._

 _It was fiery hot, it was icy-cold._

 _It was true love sprouting, it was true love dying._


	9. Chapter 9

The hot water runs down his back and he slips his head under the spray and lets everything from yesterday be washed away. His muscles unravel and he lets his head drop so his chin presses against his chest, his eyes closing and deep steam filled breaths sitting heavy in his chest. He's not sure if he's ready to be in the same room as Dean and Daniel at the same time. Not after last night. Not after yesterday. Not after going from having a little moment with Dean in the bathroom in the morning, spending the day touching Dean's skin as they sat pool side, and the way Dean's eyes had focused in on his when he'd pushed his fingers into Dean's love bites to being called "petty". It had certainly been a whirlwind of a day. Roman tenses just thinking about the love bites. The love bites had stirred an interesting emotion in Roman's chest that he'd refused to acknowledge and put a name to. In the steam filled room with water beating down on his head, Roman allows himself to put a name to the emotion before shoving the thought away. Jealousy. Well, back to square one.

 _It's too late_.

This line keeps floating through Roman's mind every few minutes, this is what Dean told him when he confessed his feelings for him. _You're too late._ But, was he?

 _I wonder what it would be like, to feel his lips on mine. To even share a kiss with him. Would he be gentle and soft? Or would he be rough and firm? To feel his arms around my waist as we lay in bed at night whispering sweet nothings to each other. And falling asleep in his arms where we feel safe and secure. I always wonder what it would be like, to look him in the eyes and see them sparkle in the bright sun as we lay in a beach far away from life in the city. To just lay there with each other and not have to say anything. I wonder what it would be like, to see his gorgeous smile with that little dimple that would appear on his left cheek. It would be a soft sweet smile that was contagious and would make me smile. I wonder what it would be like, to feels his arms around me when I was feeling sad. He would whisper over and over that I was perfect the way I am, then I would believe him and that would make him smile. I always wonder what it would be like, to feel like I was worth it, and that someone like him cared about me enough that he would show up at my house randomly and surprise me with a date. We would be that adorable couple, that everyone was jealous of. But we wouldn't be one of those clingy couples that were attached at the hip. I want to wake up every morning with him by my side and make him pancakes or sometimes Dean would surprise me by making breakfast for us, which basically meant getting burnt toast but I'd happily eat it without any complaints, whereas he'd be cursing himself for what he's made. We would be lazy and spend the day cuddling on the couch and possibly attempt to bake something, but it would end up with us having a food fight in the kitchen. I always wonder what it would be like to have him as a boyfriend, but I would never know, because he was already with another man and he says it's too late. But I can't help but wonder…_

These were the thoughts running through Roman's mind.

He let the water flow on and on. He only shuts it off when Seth comes to the door and shouts, "Stop running up the water bill, and get out of the shower already. I'm starving."

Oh, there he is, just the person Roman needed to help him keep his sanity.

By the time he's done getting dressed, he's also done telling Seth about the events of the day before.

"You really did that?", Seth asks, covering his mouth with his hand, almost trying to stop himself from laughing. He's at Dean's house visiting Roman, he felt like it'd be nice to check up on him, get some breakfast, and hit the gym. Try getting back to routine.

"I know it wasn't the best idea, but it still worked. So, piss off.", Roman scoffed.

"Well, barging into your ex lover's room while he's with his current lover is a pretty classic move, so, I'll spare you this one. But did you speak to him after that?"

"Yeah, he came into my room, shoved me against the wall, and started asking me questions and called me petty and stuff before leaving. Y'know, the usual," Roman said, nonchalantly.

"Well, it was also a dick move, so I can where that's coming from."

"By the way, hi, Mr. Switzerland, whose side are you on?"

"Hey!", Seth said, faking an offended look, "you should be glad I'm neutral, that way, I can share my wisdom with both of you. But considering Dean hasn't been talking to me about you anymore, I think I'm going to start rooting for you.", he said, rubbing a hand across his beard to give off the impression that he was thinking.

"Wow, you're not the most loyal person to have around, are ya?"

"You're just ungrateful. I'm an awesome cheerleader to have in the team, so, consider yourself lucky."

"Sure you are, I'm just saying that Dean doesn't have the best luck when it comes to friends. Especially, traitors like you because I'm fairly certain a month ago you were telling him to move on from me and now you're telling me to go for him. Jeez, dude."

"Fuck you, I'll go for breakfast alone. Don't need any assholes accompanying me.", Seth said, heading for the door but stopping near the doorframe.

"Aww, did I break your heart, Sethie?", Roman asked, faking a pout.

"I need to go back to Dean. You are a grade-A dick"

"Speaking of Dean, where is he?", Roman asked, trying to sound casual.

"He said he's meeting up with Daniel for breakfast, so I'm guessing, damage control.", Seth said, with a chuckle.

"Well, good luck, Dean. Anyway, let's go."

* * *

"Well, you go in and order me a coffee, I'll be right back, I need to hit the ATM.", They were outside the coffee shop, it was pretty close to Dean's house so they decided to walk.

"Cold brew?", Roman asked.

Seth gave him a thumbs up, approving of the order, before walking off the other way.

Roman is immediately embraced with warm air and the smell of freshly brewed coffee as he steps inside. There are couches and big cushioned chairs scattered around tables throughout the shop and the low music of some R&B song is playing through the speakers. There's a short line and Roman glances over at the pastry section, stomach grumbling. He spies a banana nut bread muffin in the middle of the display case and silently hopes it's still there when he gets to the front.

He looks around at the people as he waits. People-watching is always a fun activity and helps the time pass. His eyes follow the natural seating arrangements of people throughout the shop until they rest on a man sitting in the far corner, staring out the window in a daze. He's got what appears to be an empty cup of coffee sitting on the table and his fingers drumming against the table top in an absent beat. His hair is long and feathery, falling into his face before he flicks it to the side with a shake of his head, and blue eyes that almost look clear as the sun hits them. Roman would know those eyes, face, and hands anywhere. It's Dean.

It's his turn to order and without thinking he says, "A latte and a cup of black coffee. Also, I'd like that banana-nut muffin over there and…" he glances at Dean, "a chocolate chip one as well, thanks."

 _Oh, Seth's cold brew_ , Roman thought. While his order was being prepared he quickly shot Seth a text.

 _Roman: Dude, Dean's here in the coffee shop. ALONE._

 _Seth: Maybe Daniel's late. Give him company, maybe?_

 _Roman: What about you?_

 _Seth: I'll find another place to eat, don't worry, I'll meet you later._

Roman silently thanked his stars for having Seth in his life. Just then, his phone buzzed again.

 _Seth: And Ro, make it count._

Roman had a good idea as to what that meant, and he was going to make this count.

He's snapped out of his thoughts when his order is called out, so he takes the tray over to the fixings table to add a dash of milk to the coffee and some sugar to the latte. Roman never really understood why Dean found the need to add extra sugar in the latte, but this wasn't the time to ponder about that. It takes a moment of long deep breaths and mentally psyching himself up before he's able to make his feet move. Dean glances up as he's about to set the tray down on the table, and Roman registers a look of total shock on his face. It's followed quickly by a flash of pain before Dean can smooth his expression into a look of confusion.

"What are you … what are you doing?" Dean asks, voice soft and eyes clouded over with something dark.

Roman just shrugs and plops down in the chair on the other side of the table before sorting out their food and drinks. "Came for a coffee and saw you over here. Thought I'd say hi."

It's a flimsy explanation at best. He's actually not sure why he came over here or ordered for Dean without even really thinking about it. Dean obviously isn't buying it if the way he cocks his eyebrow is anything to go by.

"Roman," he says. Roman watches him take a deep breath after he mutters the name, as if it took all of his willpower to form the five letter word. He can relate.

Roman sighs. "Look, I'm sorry about yesterday."

"And you thought bringing me coffee and a muffin would solve everything?"

"No, but it's a start, I hope?" Roman asks, pushing his lip into a pout.

Dean just sighed in response and signalled for Roman to continue.

"I'm sorry; I know I was kind of a dick last night."

"You sure were.", Dean said, a little too quickly.

"Yeah, well," he says, waving a hand." It just sucks seeing you with….." He trails off, his throat tight and restricting him from saying Daniel's name. "I may sound selfish but it fucking hurts to see you find happiness elsewhere when I'm right here offering it to you with open arms knowing this is exactly what you wanted up until a few weeks ago."

"I just want you to be okay with everything." Dean replied, ignoring everything Roman just said, "I've been hurt and angry for too long now. You know me. I don't want to be angry. I'm more of the happy-go-lucky type anyway. And since we'll be seeing each other a lot, it'd be best just to sort through our differences and get on with it. I've told you this before; I don't want to go back to that place with you again. So, it'll be better if you accept it. The sooner the better."

"But Dean –" Dean reaches for Roman's muffin and shoves it into Roman's mouth to cut off his words. Shaking his head, Dean says, "Look we have a lot we need to say to each other and I've had so many questions for so long, but I don't want to talk about it anymore. I just want to catch up with the guy who used to be my best friend." He doesn't add the 'and the love of my life' part, but somehow he thinks they can both hear it in the silence that follows.

Roman pulls the muffin out of his mouth, biting off a piece and chewing slowly. When he's done, he asks, "Is that what you really want?" and Dean nods in response.

Dean looks down at his phone and frowns.

"Uhm, Daniel's supposed to be meeting me here."

Roman nods, eyes staring into his cup of coffee. "Should I go then?"

Dean starts to drum his fingers on the table again and Roman has to fight back the urge to grab his fingers to stop the nervous habit. What's he got to be nervous about anyway?

"Nah, it's ok. He's probably going to be late. Or later than he already is," Dean says with a shrug.

Roman bites into his muffin, still warm from the heating lamps in the display case and groans in appreciation. It's like a little piece of heaven inside his mouth. He looks up to see Dean staring at him, mouth slightly parted and fingers stilled.

Now the silence is awkward. They each just stare at their hands and it's like a game to see who will break the silence first. It takes almost three minutes by Roman's watch for him to sigh and break first.

"Do you…understand?" he asks softly. He's not looking at Dean, but Dean wishes he would so he could read his face.

Dean just shrugs his shoulders. "Maybe I don't need to."

Roman looks up at Dean and sees his eyes have a storm behind them, raging. There are so many emotions swirling. Pain, exhaustion, resentment, irritation, desperation. Roman just wants him to smile again. He's got such a beautiful smile.

"I think you do," Roman said, in a quiet voice.

"Look, it's been six months. I don't need your explanations right now. We were doing well, just talking about random things yesterday. Let's not dig up old shit right now, ok?" Dean asks and Roman just nods.

Just then Roman's phone buzzed signalling a text.

 _Seth: So, how fond are you of getting drunk during the day? Say, around lunch? I may or may not have just discovered a pretty awesome pub pretty close by._

Roman thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to get drunk during the day; he has already lost his inhibitions anyway. He might as well drink away his feelings.

Dean, on the other hand, checks his phone again. Still no call or text. There isn't a smile on his face, and Roman doesn't approve of that. Not today. Just then, a thought pops into his head, "Hey, you got plans for today?", Roman asks.

Dean looks down at his phone, contemplatively, and lets out a sigh. "Apparently not.".

There's a bite to the words and Roman feels a sudden desire to rough Daniel up for standing Dean up.

"Let's go somewhere for lunch. Get hammered."

Dean looks at him like he might be going crazy. Maybe he is. Well, Dean wouldn't mind some alcohol for lunch as well. This is a terrible idea and he thinks they both know it. After a moment, he watches as Dean's eyes soften. "And where would you want to go?"

"Seth just discovered a pub close by which he texted me about," Roman says, picking up their half-eaten muffins and mostly-finished drinks and throwing everything in the trash. Dean gets up and follows him out of the coffee shop, and they start walking back to Dean's house.

Roman remembers to shoot Seth a text to confirm the plan.

 _Roman: Sounds good! And FYI, Dean's joining us._

 _Seth: The more, the merrier. I'll pick you two up from the house at around 1, ok?_

 _Roman: Perfect._

The walk back to the house was mostly silent, as none of them were even sure as to where they really stood in their _friendship_. They managed to keep up with some small talk, but nothing substantial. As soon as they got home, Roman headed straight up to his room ignoring his instincts about just telling Dean everything he feels. Dean wasn't fazed by it, but he saw the bag on the couch that was dropped by earlier in the morning and he thought he might as well go and give it to Roman.

So, he headed upstairs and softly knocked on Roman's door.

"Come in", Roman responded.

Roman didn't really bother to look up from his phone when Dean entered his room and stood by the foot of the bed.

"So, um, Galina dropped this by earlier, while you were asleep", Dean said, placing the duffel bag on the bed, as Roman finally looked up from his phone, "she said it has some of your necessities that she thought you might need when you hit the road, and that you can also go and pick up whatever you want from the house whenever you want."

"Thanks", Roman quietly said, but just as Dean was about to turn around and leave, he asked, "Did she say anything else?"

"No,", Dean lied.

 _Dean had just gotten off the phone when he heard the doorbell, so he hurried to open the door._

" _Galina? What are you doing here?" Dean asked, certainly surprised to see her standing at the door._

" _Hey, I just wanted to drop this bag off," she said, with a faint smile on her face," I called Seth and he told me Roman was here. It has some of the stuff he usually needs, so, just pass it onto him. I hope you don't mind I came by"_

" _Oh no, you're more than welcome to come by. Do you want me to call him?"_

" _No, it's alright; I don't want to disturb him"_

 _She was about to turn around, when Dean felt the need to say something._

" _I'm sorry.", he whispered._

" _What?", she asked, not really knowing what that was for. To be honest, there was way too much going on that he could've been sorry for._

" _I'm sorry I slept with him and for everything that happened after that." Dean wasn't sure which was the best way to put whatever happened into words._

 _She just let out a little chuckle, and Dean could hear the pain in her voice._

" _It was bound to happen, I'm not mad at you or at Roman. We can't escape the fact that I was not enough for him. I knew this was going to happen. So I'm not blaming him for falling in love with another man. Whatever he didn't find in me, he found it in you. I'm not angry, either. I should be, but I'm not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong. But, I guess it was for the best. He found someone whom he believed was important enough to him that he gave up his entire life up for, and hopefully someday I'll find someone who loves me as much as he loves you. It's messed up, but it's true.", she said, tears stinging in her eyes. But she just smiled._

" _I'm sorry", Dean whispered again, experiencing a gut wrenching pain, almost feeling sick._

 _She just held out the bag for him to take, and before leaving just told him, "Goodluck to the both of you though, I really hope you guys make it."_

"Dean?", Roman called out for the second time, snapping Dean out of this thoughts. He wasn't going to tell Roman about his little encounter with Galina this morning. He doesn't want that going into his head.

"Yeah?"

"Anything else?", Roman asked, considering Dean was still sitting on his bed and not saying anything.

"You should go back to her.", Dean whispered.

"What?"

"She's a good woman, you shouldn't have left her." Dean replied, staring at the blank space on the wall.

Roman was confused. Where was this even coming from?

"That's why I left her. She's a good woman; she doesn't deserve getting lied to. I didn't want her to be in the receiving end of half a heart and half the love.", Roman answered.

"But you can give her your entire heart and love; you just needed some time to mend things."

Roman was in disbelief. Was Dean really doing this right now?

"Are you on something, man? Because what the fuck what are you talking about?"

"All I'm saying is you should've tried giving your relationship another try.", Dean insisted.

"This is not high school, Dean. I know what I feel, I may have realised it a little late but I'm sure about my decisions.", Roman said, but Dean didn't respond, so he continued, "You were supposed to be my temporary fix. You were supposed to only be there until I was good on my own again. I wasn't supposed to fall for you. I didn't expect to catch feelings, but I did, and I don't regret it. Maybe you do, but I don't. There's no one else I'd rather be with than you."

"We can't do it. This is a mistake. We are a mistake, we were a mistake. We'll forever remain one." , Dean sighed.

"Dean, I'm not scared to be alone or to work for what I want or to leave whatever I have to leave. Hell, I've left everything behind already. And I am not afraid to make a mistake, even a great mistake, and perhaps a lifelong mistake. Even if we are a mistake, I would most definitely still take my chance at building us. I'm in this for the long run, I want to do this, I love you.", Roman said, with the utmost sincerity in his voice. Dean wanted to believe him, he really did, but he just couldn't.

"I told you this before, and I'm saying it again, you cannot just tell me this stuff now that it's convenient for you.", Dean said, anger flashing through his eyes.

Roman took a deep breath and then continued, "If I told you that I wanted to spend my days and nights with you and live with you, as my partner, because, in the last few weeks, I realised that you mean the world to me. That you are my sanity, my laughter, my lust, my love, my comfort, my day and my night, my heat and cold and everything? If I told you that, would you think that translates to 'convenient'?"

Dean felt his heart sink. This is what he had always wanted someone to say to him. What he had always, in the darkest corner of his heart, wanted Roman to say. Roman, the man who is his ultimate ride or die, the one's he's been through so much with, who knows him like the back of his hands, who understands him like no one else, who shares the same passions as him, who understands his pain without him having to say a word, who makes him laugh even when he's furious. And here he was sitting in front of him, telling him he loves with all his heart and soul. Telling him something he had never imagined anyone would ever tell him. Telling him something he would never be told again, not in this way. _And not by Roman._

But it did not matter.

"It's too late", Dean finally said.

"Dean," Roman whispers and runs his fingertips along Dean's cheek, caressing his face. "I'm right here. I am half agony, half hope. Don't tell me I am too late. I'm offering myself to you again with a heart even more your own than it has ever been someone else's", Roman looks at him with deep anguish in his eyes. Like there's so much more he wants to tell Dean but maybe he even feels it's too late now. Dean wants to stroke his face and tell him that it will be okay. That everything will be all right. And he wishes so badly that it would be. But he knew it wasn't going to be okay, ever.

"We're not good for each other.", Dean said, finally looking into Roman's eyes.

"How do you know that? Do you ever think about how good we'd be together?" Roman asked him but before Dean could even answer, Roman went on, "Because I do, all the fucking time," he chuckled, "I think of all the dates I'd take you on and all the moments in between where I'd steal kisses and don't even get me started on our sex life." He reached over to run his hand through Dean's hair. The sudden touch felt all too familiar for Dean.

"But we'd be good until we weren't anymore. You're special. Maybe you're perfect for me and I would ruin you and you would ruin me until we couldn't stand the sight of each other anymore. When it comes to you, I always allowed my emotions to cloud my judgement. I knew that you weren't good for me, but for some reason I couldn't let go. Maybe it was because I invested so much into us. Or maybe I was just weak and being with someone was better than being alone. Nevertheless, you were toxic, killing me slowly on the inside. I had to let go of you. I loved you, but we're better off like this. I can't do it again.", Dean said, making eye contact with Roman.

They sat there, looking at each other, saying nothing. But it was the kind of nothing that meant everything. In Dean's eyes, there was no trace of what had happened between them earlier and Roman could feel something inside him break.

' _So this is it. We were finally, finally over. Before we could even start_ ', Roman thought, ' _I will never look at you the same way again. I'll never be that man again. The man who will come running back every time you push him away, the man who loves you anyway.'._ All these thoughts were running through his head but he couldn't bring himself to form a proper sentence, perhaps, nothing else was left to be said.

Dean felt it in the pit of his stomach, the familiar ache, that lost, regretful feeling only Roman could give him. He never wanted to feel it again. Never, ever. But here he is, six months later in the same spot, but this time, Roman's feeling the same gut wrenching pain too.

Dean looked at Roman, and thought, ' _If I was very brave or very honest, I would tell him. I would say it, I love you, so he would know he's not the only one in love and I would know it, and I could never take it back. But I wasn't that brave or honest, I didn't want to go back to that place with him again, I don't want to get hurt again, I don't want him to leave me again, so all I did was look at him. And I think he knew anyway.'_

'I have to let you go. Because if I don't do it now, I never will.', Dean said, voice stiff.

Roman was the one to look away first.

* * *

A/N - Favorite, Review, Message me, just let me know what you think! Thanks for reading.


	10. Chapter 10

" _To douchebags!" Dean said, raising his glass, gesturing towards Seth. "And to boys that break your heart," he bowed his head to Roman. His eyes lost focus. "And to the absolute fucking horror of losing your best friend because you were stupid enough to fall in love with him. Cheers!"_

Dean, Seth, and Roman still managed to go for lunch. They didn't tell Seth about what happened and figured it'd be better to keep this from him for a while. So, they agreed to go for lunch, and tried their best to be cordial to each other. But it just wasn't the same, Seth could sense the tension between Dean and Roman but he knew better than to question them at the same time so he thought he'll talk to one of them later. Throughout their meal, they managed to have a few small conversations. Mostly it was just Seth and Dean talking, Roman would just nod along. They were acting cool, until Dean decided that maybe he needed a little bit more alcohol to forget about the occurrences of the day. Ultimately, a few too many bottles of Bourbon later, Dean felt like he should make a toast.

And that was his toast.

"To douchebags!" Dean said, raising his glass, gesturing towards Seth. "And to boys that break your heart," he bowed his head to Roman. His eyes lost focus. "And to the absolute fucking horror of losing your best friend because you were stupid enough to fall in love with him."

Roman looked up at Dean, finally making eye contact with him for the first time since their _talk_ earlier. Well, he didn't see that coming.

"What the hell, man?", Seth asked, wondering as to where that came from.

"What?" Dean let out a little chuckle, "Did you really think I don't know about what's happening here?", Dean asked, pointing his finger towards Roman and Seth.

"What are you on about?", Seth was mildly confused.

"Cut it out, Seth. I know you have a little bit of a hand in all of this. Don't act like you don't know."

Oh, so that's what this is about. Seth never really told Dean about Roman confiding in him about the whole situation. He wasn't sure as to how Dean found out about it but he figured it probably wasn't that hard of a thing to guess.

Seth was about to respond but Roman interrupted, "Dean, don't put it on him, he was just trying to help. Don't take-", he was cut off by Dean. "No, no, no, you don't get to speak in this. It's between me and him."

"Yeah, actually, Ro, stay out of this. I want to see where this goes.", Seth said, staring right at Dean.

"Well, then I'm done here.", Roman sighed, getting up and picking up his jacket off the chair. He decided now that the facade is over, he'd much rather be somewhere else and have a moment to himself.

Dean let out another hollow chuckle, "Yeah sure, run away. Run away like you always do.", he said, looking into his glass and then downing the leftover liquid in one go.

Roman couldn't believe Dean was actually doing this right now, but he was not in the mood to create a scene unlike the other two so he ignored and quietly headed for the door.

Before he reached the door, Seth came up behind him. "Take the car keys, the house isn't that close."

"Nah, I'm not going to his house, I'll be somewhere else.", he wasn't sure where but he was sure as hell not going back to Dean's house until he's got his mind in the right place.

"You sure, bro?", Seth asked, keeping his hand on Roman's shoulder offering some sort of comfort.

Roman nodded, then turned away and left the pub.

Seth mentally prepped himself before going back to their table. He wasn't sure as to where this conversation would go but he could do it. Although a drunk Dean is a harder person to argue with than a sober Dean, but he was up for it.

"Hey, you're back. I thought you were running away with your buddy too,", Dean exclaimed when Seth came back to sit down across the table from him.

"Why... what are you doing?", Seth asked, struggling to form a proper question.

Dean leaned back into his chair and kept staring at Seth for a while, "You're an asshole, do you know that?"

"Dude, you ha-"

He was cut off by Dean.

"Nah, man," he waved his hand around motioning for Seth to stop, "You just answer my one question, and for once, cut the bullshit. What were you thinking?", Dean asked, as he leaned in.

There were so many things Seth could've said but he decided to go with the simplest of reasoning. "He really loves you.", he answered, softly.

Dean closed his eyes, and took a long breath, "Don't tell me that."

"If you want to live in denial, go ahead because I'm not with you on that."

Before Dean could reply, Seth shot him a question.

"Where were you after breakfast?"

Dean doesn't dignify that with an answer, just narrows his eyes.

"You know, I ask because Daniel called me around twelve wondering if you were with me. Said he tried to call you but your phone was switched off. Apparently he'd skipped out on you for breakfast at that cafe you like, and wanted to make up for it after he got off work." Seth notices how Dean closes his eyes momentarily when he mentions Daniel, "He left you hanging again?" Seth asks quietly, voice full of genuine concern.

Dean stares at the glass in front him, rather than looking at Seth who was staring at him intently, because he knew where this was going, and he doesn't want to hear it. "It's OK, though.", Dean finally manages to say.

"It's not," Seth says with a sigh.

"It's not. But it is what it is," Dean says, still looking down.

For the most part, Daniel is a great boyfriend. He's smitten by Dean and takes him out to some fancy dates. He has a snarky wit that rivals Dean's and he never backs down from an argument. The only problem is that well…Daniel sometimes forgets to meet up with him when he promises he will. He sometimes goes days or so without contacting Dean and then the next week he'll be sort of suffocating. Daniel is never possessive and really doesn't seem to care if Dean flirts around at clubs or parties. Maybe it's because Daniel knows that Dean will be going home with him at the end of the night. Maybe Dean wanted Daniel to feel a bit more possessive about him, you know, the way a normal boyfriend would.

They don't have to talk about that. They're fine.

Dean is shaken out of his thoughts, literally, when Seth slaps his shoulder.

"Well, if you weren't with Daniel, where were you after breakfast, then?" Seth asks. There's a knowing glint in his eye and Dean knows he's already figured it out.

Dean remembers throwing his phone on the couch after he got back home from breakfast this morning, then he headed up to Roman's room and well, they talked for a long time after which Dean just stayed in his room until Seth came to pick them up. Maybe Daniel called sometime during that. He wasn't sure, he never got around to checking his phone since then. But Dean wasn't about to confide in Seth right now and tell him about what happened between him an Roman, because he's pissed at him, well, at least he thinks he's supposed to be.

"It doesn't matter where I was. Just know that Roman and I are not happening.", Dean said, voice stern.

"You have to give it a shot." Seth said, almost sounding like he was pleading.

"What? Where's this even coming from? Are you not the same guy that told me to forget Roman and move on? Cut it out, man."

"I did, but that's before I knew what he felt for you. I also told you that maybe someday down the road, he would start developing feelings for you and at that time; you shouldn't let your heartbreak cloud your judgement. And that it depends on you whether you want to let him in or not. But I'll say it's good, you know, you moved on. But is it with someone better?", Seth asked.

"Daniel's a better guy.", Dean managed to say after a long silence.

Seth knew better than to believe that tone Dean was using. Sure, Seth first did think that Daniel's a good guy, but as time passed, he wasn't quite sure about that anymore.

"Okay, I'll believe that. But remind me, once again, who was the one who cancelled breakfast with me so he could give his ex-best friend company because he found him sitting at a cafe all alone", Seth said, making air quotes with his fingers for the term 'ex-best friend', "and why was that? Oh right, because his 'ex-best friend' just got stood up by his current lover for the umpteenth time.", Seth said, then pretended to think, "Actually, you know what? Your lover does sound like a top notch dude, solid guy, yep. Well done, Dean".

Dean is starting to regret bringing up this topic, he hates the way Seth knows what exactly happened, and as to what could be said that would break Dean's shield.

"That doesn't change anything.", he replied, voice low.

Seth could see Dean's resolve fading, it didn't matter whether it was because of the alcohol or the fact that he was trying to get his mind in order, Dean was quieter than earlier and Seth realized that this is the moment he could talk some sense into Dean.

"I know you think I'm going against you or whatever, but it's not like that. I love you to pieces, man. I'll always be here for you whether you want it or not. I've never seen you struggle so much with yourself as much as I've seen in the last few months. I want you to be happy. I will support you wholeheartedly through everything but only if you're sure about that decision."

"Then why are you behind Roman on this? Why can't you be supportive of Daniel if you're that worried about me?", Dean asked, feeling frustrated.

"Daniel doesn't seem like a sure decision to me, so I'm not going to back him up. You trying to move on seemed like a sure decision and I was more than happy to help you through it. But you have to remember that Roman and you are family for me, and I care about him as much. That's why when he came to my house way past midnight right after he met Daniel at yours, and started telling me about what he was feeling, I knew something was up. It was sadness, it was jealousy, he wasn't even sure what it was but at the end when I asked him why he felt that, he told me it was because he's in love with you."

Dean wasn't sure whether it was the alcohol taking a toll on him or if it was the fact that he was being given all this brand new information which he had no idea how to process but his mind was in a daze.

"That's when it happened?", it was all Dean managed to muster up.

"I saw him that night, Dean, it wasn't a choice, he just felt it. And I told him to tell you but then he decided it would be better to sort things out with Galina first, just to be fair to you. He waited weeks for her to come back, to see what's next for him, and then she asked him to choose. And without hesitation, he chose you; he was so sure of his love that he was willing to leave everything behind."

Dean's mind was going at a 100 miles per hour, there was a lump in his throat, his chest was burning, and he almost felt dizzy. This wasn't supposed to be happening. Seth shouldn't be defending Roman, no one should be defending Roman, he basically doesn't want anyone try and tell him that he is wrong in letting Roman go.

Dean was silent, so Seth decided to continue.

"And that's when I backed him up because when a guy leaves something he spent years building and working on just so he could pursue something else knowing it might not end well for him, knowing there is a chance that in the end, he might not have anything left; that's what being sure is to me. He was in love and he was ready to fight for it. That's all the confirmation I needed." Seth said, his voice sounded so genuine saying all of that and Dean hated it. He hates where this went.

"I am allowed to do this. Nothing dictates that I have to forgive him for breaking me in every way. It's not fair that he gets to crush me and I have to be the one to forgive and forget."

"But he never even knew you loved him. You never said that to him, your heartbreak was a consequence of falling in love with a married man. Him hurting you in that way was partially unintentional. But then he confessed his love to you and you threw it out. That was intentional. It's not the same.", Seth was well aware of how bad this sounded, but he knew it had to be said.

"No", Dean whispers, looking up to meet Seth's eyes, "I'm not doing it again. I'm done. Thanks for lunch". Dean took a deep breath, got up and was about to leave when Seth called him out, "Dean, just remember, this time is different. Please don't run away from something you love because it scares you."

* * *

It's a quiet car ride after Dean picks Daniel up from his flat the next day. There's nothing but the radio crooning out some music as Dean turns into the parking lot of the restaurant Daniel suggested they go for a little alone time. There's a strange air to the way that Daniel is carrying himself. He's taking way too many deep breaths and fidgeting with his fingers more than normal as he stares out the window. Dean could almost taste the awkwardness in the air.

"Ready to go?" Daniel asks, trying to keep his voice light and unaffected by the tense situation as Dean parks.

"Yeah," Dean says with a shrug, unfastening his seat belt.

Dean sighs and is about to get out of the car but Daniel reaches for his hand and pulls him back. He leans in and crashes his lips onto Dean's. Dean makes a startled noise in the back of his throat but returns the kiss. It's easy and familiar kissing Daniel. Daniel brings a hand up to Dean's cheek and softens the kiss before pulling back.

"What was that?" Dean sputters out, eyes wide, staring at Daniel.

"Just wanted to kiss you," Daniel says with a shrug.

"But you've been quiet and weird this whole time and now you want to kiss?" he asks, still trying to make sense of it all.

Daniel shrugs again and Dean has had enough with these noncommittal answers. Dean purses his lips and stares at him waiting for him to continue.

"Where were you yesterday?" Daniel asks, running a hand through his hair.

Dean's not sure how to answer this. He could lie and feel guilty, but he already feels guilty for not telling Daniel about the Roman situation and he doesn't need any more guilt, thanks. He could tell the truth and hope that Daniel doesn't push the subject.

He settles for a middle ground.

"Well, while I was waiting for you to show up, which you never did," Dean starts. Daniel has the good grace to look mildly ashamed. "Roman showed up at the cafe…," and let the lies begin, or continue, or whatever, "so we ended up talking for a while, had some food, and then he needed to run some errands and I left and then just drove around for a while and enjoyed some time by myself." Daniel rolled his eyes when he heard Roman's name, and Dean hates it. He hates everything that's happening.

Daniel watches his face for a while, as if trying to see if the tilt of his mouth or the crease by his eye was going to give him away. No luck there. Dean is an ace liar; he has perfected the skill through years of lying through his teeth to avoid getting in some serious trouble.

"Then why didn't you pick up my call when I called you later?", Daniel asked, making Dean groan internally. He sure as hell doesn't want to tell Daniel about what happened between him and Roman at home and as to why he was MIA, so, here come more lies.

"I told you, I was driving around and I needed some time to myself so I switched off my phone. I didn't need any disturbances.", Dean said, with a shrug.

"Deano, you know I don't like it when I can't reach you," Daniel says, finally.

"Yeah, and I don't like being stood up," Dean retorts, frustrated, stepping out of the car.

Dean hates to admit it but he flinched when he heard the nickname. Somehow it didn't sound right coming out of Daniel's mouth. It reminded him of the day they spent by the pool when Roman called him that and pushed on his bruises until it left Dean feeling all kind of things he didn't want to acknowledge.

Daniel sighs and follows him. When they reach the building, Daniel opens the door and Dean nods his thanks as he walks past him. The awkwardness is back, or it never really left, and Dean is not enjoying this. He thinks about how everything was fine before Roman decided to confess. He couldn't believe this was happening.

"I'm sorry I stood you up. I got caught up in a meeting that I couldn't get out of," Daniel tells him as they enter an elevator and he presses the number 14.

Dean leans against the back wall and watches the numbers steadily climb from 1 to 14. At floor 8 Daniel corners him in and peppers kisses all over his face. Dean wants to push him away but refrains. They've both been snappy this morning and Dean has tension holding his muscles together by a tight thread that's ready to snap, and he needs the distraction. He lets himself relax into the soft kisses Daniel places on his face and along his jaw and breathes in the familiar smell of the minty cologne Daniel always has on. Maybe Dean will start loving it at some point. Because although it's been a few months he still remembers that musky vanilla scent that used to surround him while he used to spend his nights with Roman on a bed in some hotel in God knows which city. He wasn't fond of it at first but then it grew on him, and now he can't get it out of his system.

 _NO_ , Dean mentally screamed at himself. _I have such a good guy in front of me, why am I thinking about Roman? This isn't right._

Dean pushed Daniel away subtly as the elevator reached the 14th floor. They got out of the elevator and started walking towards the restaurant when Daniel intertwined his hands with Dean's. Dean wasn't sure anymore, he didn't know what was happening, why was this contact making him feel weird and comforted at the same time? Why was everything reminding him of Roman today? This hasn't happened to him in a while; he got over that phase weeks ago where everything used to remind him of Roman. But now that he finally decided to put an end to all that, this is coming back to haunt him.

* * *

Dean couldn't sleep that night. He kept tossing and turning but he couldn't get his mind to slow down. And that's how he found himself sitting on the cold tiles of his balcony overlooking the dim lights of the city. Sometimes when his world was falling apart he would just sit and watch the sun rise, or set, or the stars twinkle in the night sky. Here in the dead of night, with no prying eyes to watch him and read his thoughts, Dean lets himself think about Roman. Really think about Roman and what's going on. Let's himself think about the fact that Roman's hands still feel like sparks of fire every time they touch him, how his mind still turns to mush when Roman smiles, and the fact that this man gave up his life to be with him. But he doesn't take it as a weakness; Dean still remembers every sleepless night he spent screaming into his pillow in Roman's memory. How he just left dumping all the guilt on Dean. Left Dean all alone to suffer in silence. Roman made Dean lose faith and trust in his own heart.

 _Love is such a vile thing_ , Dean thought. It makes people so vulnerable. Taking away everything you stand for and leaving you with nothing more than a sad smile and a hurricane of bittersweet memories. He remembers how he hasn't done this in a while, because up until a few weeks ago, he would often find himself drowning in a sea of regret and sadness at around 4 AM, and after a long time today, he feels the same. He has been crushed and shattered by the same person, but he was sure that no matter what, he's never going back to that place again. Doesn't matter how much Roman loves him, it just didn't matter anymore. He was almost numb now. His heart had been torn apart so many times that it bared no resemblance to what it once had been.

He hadn't seen Roman since he left the restaurant yesterday, he wasn't even sure if Roman was in the house or not. He was worried as to where he was, but he was also glad he didn't have to see him.

Dean started thinking about how he was always afraid that when he would finally try to move on, Roman would maybe decide that he wants him, and Dean knew he won't be happy with anyone else knowing that. But it can't happen, can it? It's Roman. He doesn't want to hurt him. He can't. He won't. But maybe it's a little late for that. Well, Dean hasn't the kindest person to Roman lately. But he thinks it's fair for all the times Roman hurted him.

Or so he lets himself believe.

He wonders often what life would be like if they were together and as much as he would die for that, he remembers that it has killed him once and maybe that's why they can't be together anymore. They hurt each other way too much with what ended up to be love.

 _I fucking needed you and you left me and I should hate you but I know deep inside I don't and I fucking hate myself for that,_ Dean thought to himself.

But the one thing that kept popping up in his head the entire time was the last thing Seth told him the previous day.

 _Don't run away from something you love because it scares you._

* * *

A/N - Not the best chapter but I had to establish Dean's relationship with Daniel a bit more. Basically this chapter is focused on Dean, and the next chapter will focus primarily on Roman.

Hope you like it. Favorite, Review, Message me, just let me know. And a quick THANK YOU to all of you who are reading this story, liking it, and for taking the time to give me your response. I highly appreciate it. Thanks for reading!


	11. Chapter 11

Dean woke up to the sound of his phone ringing the next morning. He looked over at the clock on his nightstand and saw that it wasn't even 9 yet. He groaned and blindly reached his hand out to pick up his phone, he managed to open his eyes enough to see it was Seth calling. Well, this is unusual. He hasn't spoken to Seth in two days, so this ought to be interesting. So, he swiped right.

"This better be important", Dean mumbled, as he answered the call, clearing his throat so that he wouldn't sound so rough.

"Yeah, hey. Sorry to bother you so early. But is Roman home?", Seth replied, sounding frantic.

Suddenly all of Dean's tiredness went away when he heard Roman's name, so he rubbed his eyes and sat up on the bed.

"Home?", Dean felt the need to ask. His home, my home, whose home?

"Is he at your house?", Seth enunciated.

"I don't think so.", Dean said, sounding unsure which frustrated Seth even more.

'What the fuck do you mean you don't think so?", Seth questioned, more like, shouted.

"Relax, no need to scream. It means that I don't know; I haven't been home much so I'm not sure."

"Jesus," Seth sighed, trying to calm himself down, "Dean, can you check?"

Dean groaned again as he got down from his bed, "Why don't you just call him and ask?"

"Wow, what an amazing idea. That never even crossed my mind. Jeez, Dean, you're a genius.", Seth replied, deadpanned.

"Dude", Dean replied, sounding thoroughly unimpressed, as he started walking towards the guest room Roman was staying in.

"Is it so hard to connect the dots?", Seth asked. "I haven't been able to get in touch with him since we had lunch that day".

"What?", Dean replied, a little too loud, shocked. This is unlike Roman, because you know, Roman's the reliable one. He's the guy you know you can call in the middle of the night when you're stuck somewhere, all out of gas, and he'll answer your call so he can come help you. He's the one who's always available when you need him. So, this is very unusual of him to remain unreachable for almost two whole days.

"Yeah, so could you please hurry –", Seth stopped talking when he thought he heard Dean knocking on a door, assuming it was Roman's.

"Ro, you in there?", Dean called out.

No response.

"Roman. Open the door", Dean knocked again, a little harder.

No response again.

Seth could feel the tension entering his body at the lack of response.

"Maybe he's asleep," Dean whispered.

"Just open the damn door", Seth replied.

"What if he's in there?"

"Then you say sorry and leave. Or you know, you can tell him how there are people losing their minds here trying to reach him." Seth answered, shouting a little. Dean recognized that tone very well, so, he decided to not push his buttons anymore. He slowly turned the handle of the door and peeked in to see if anyone was in there, but no luck.

"He's not here", Dean said slowly, as he entered the room, feeling a little bit worried now.

"FUCK!", Seth screamed, then took a deep breath. "Check the bathroom, kitchen, just see if he's there somewhere", he suggested, sounding desperate.

Dean started looking around the room and then noticed something. Wait, besides the furniture, the room is empty. None of Roman's things are in this room. No bags, no clothes, no shoes, _no Roman_.

"Dean?", Seth called out after a long silence, making sure Dean was still on the line.

"I guess that won't be necessary."

What?", Seth asked, confused.

"He took off.", Dean answered, voice low, as he sat down on the bed and covered his face with his hand.

He heard Seth groan rather loudly on the other end, and if Dean was being honest, he felt guilty about this. He's not sure if he should feel guilty or not, but he does.

"Thanks for checking, man. Sorry to ruin your sleep", Seth finally said. But before he could disconnect, Dean interrupted, "Seth?"

"Yeah?", Seth asked.

"I'm sorry." Dean slowly said, voice shaky. He wasn't sure as to what he was apologizing for, but he felt like he needed to.

Seth didn't say anything, and after a moment of silence, he hung up.

Dean sighed _, maybe I deserved that_ , he thought, tossing his phone on the bed. He looked around the room and realized how empty it felt to not have Roman here. Although the last memory he has of sitting on this bed is from two days ago when he and Roman had the talk about how it was time to _end_ everything. Not the best memory but it kept coming back to him. He tilted back and let his body fall on the sheets, hands ruffling through his own hair as he started wondering as to how it all came down to this. He couldn't even think straight because he could sense that oh so familiar smell, that spent countless nights surrounding him, seep into his aura as he lay on those sheets. The sheets which smelled completely of Roman, the same smell Dean got accustomed to having spent so many nights with, the same smell he tried to get out of his system but never could, and now it's all around him. He's not sure how to describe it, it's comforting but at the same time, it brings back a lot of memories which he spent months trying forget. Dean feels a pull in his chest. It feels like there's a vice around his heart and it's steadily squeezing harder and harder waiting for his heart to burst. Roman left him. Again. It's no better the second time but this time it's maybe it's not his fault alone.

After a while, he decided it would be best for him to take his mind off things. He's supposed to drive down to LA that night for a show next week, and he still hasn't packed so he thought of getting some work done and finally packing his stuff before Daniel shows up. He went to his room, found his luggage, picked out a few clothes, shoes, other necessities, and placed them in the bag. He was scanning around his room to see if he's missed anything when his eyes fall on the nightstand. He sees a neat envelope right next to his clock; he doesn't remember putting any mail there, so he picks it up to see what it was. He checks both sides of the envelope to see if there's any sort of designation but no luck. As he was about to tear the envelope open, he heard the doorbell ring, and immediately threw the envelope into the bag making a mental note to himself to check it out later, as he closed the bag before running out to get the door.

* * *

These days for Roman, waking from dreams feel more like opening eyes to conscious nightmares.

The day Dean told Roman they could no longer do this to each other, honestly, Roman froze, his heart was stuck in his throat, he got choked up, and he wanted to cry. But he couldn't, because Dean was sitting right in front of him. The day is still so fresh in his mind, he felt like the world was crashing and burning around him, he couldn't think straight for hours, and their last conversation was replaying in his mind over and over again. He didn't understand why it made him so upset. I mean, he was pining over a guy whose heart he – unintentionally – broke, and now is in a relationship with some other guy. Where is the silver lining?

Roman went home the next day. _Not home_ , he reminded himself, _Dean's house_ ; he sat down on the bed, and began to take it all in. He was mad, heartbroken, upset, tired, and jealous and he couldn't figure out what to think, where to go, or what to do anymore. He knew that he wanted to leave, just get out of this house. But he wanted to talk to Dean one last time, so he went by to his room to see if he was awake or not, but much to his dismay, when he quietly opened the door, he saw Dean asleep. So, he went back to his room and started thinking. Should he try? Should he stop? Dean was pretty clear that he wanted this to be over right there and then. But Roman wanted to put the last bit of effort into it. So, he wrote. He found a pen and a paper and he wrote. He wasn't even sure what he wrote about but he wanted to give Dean a final lifeline. He then freshened up, packed up his belongings from the guestroom, picked up the neatly folded letter and put in in an envelope, and headed straight to Dean's room. He slipped in slowly, trying his best to not wake him up, and kept the letter on Dean's nightstand. With that, he left.

He had no idea where he was going to go but he wasn't going to stay at Dean's. Now, all he had to do was wait for Dean's reaction to that letter. Roman just needed that final bit of confirmation. If it was positive, he'd be more than happy to start a new chapter with Dean, but if Dean's answer turns out to be anything from negative to ignoring the existence of that piece of paper the next time he meets Roman, then - as much a Roman hated the thought of it - he'd have to get over Dean.

The mere thought of it made Roman's chest ache as he drove down the 405, way past midnight, heading towards LA. They were supposed to get back on the road during the weekend and in time for a show on Monday. But it was Thursday night, Roman had nowhere to go so he thought it'd be better to drive off a day earlier and check in at the hotel. Besides he wasn't too fond of the idea of having to carpool with Seth and Dean the next day, so, this seemed like the logical move. Plus, it gave him the alone time he's been craving lately just so he could wrap his head around everything and sort his thoughts out…

 _I sit here debating on whether or not I should check on you. I know you don't want me to, so I don't. But I can't help but think of how bad I want you to message me or call me. Ask me where I am, why I left, am I coming back? It's pathetic really. Even after the things you said to me, I'd still give anything, everything for you to change your mind. I'm driving myself crazy. I worry about you constantly, still knowing that you want nothing to do with than be just friends. It's funny how we've come to this. Regardless, you are still my everything and I will see you in everything and everyone. You left a gaping hole in my soul that only liquor, cigarettes and the memory of your voice can fill. You'll probably never realize what you did to me, before and after. You don't care. You said I hurt you but at least I didn't know I was doing it, but it still kills me knowing that I hurt you so I am wondering if you feel any remorse for what you did because now you're the one hurting me but the only difference is that, you're doing it willingly. It may be stupid really, but I can't find it in me to be mad at you, the only mad aspect I have when it comes to you is when I say that I will always have mad love for you. The crazy, insane, pathetic, kind of mad love._

This is symbolic really, this is how the last few days have been for Roman; the tips of his fingers smell like cigarettes, his thoughts are racing in his head, and the music is always too fucking loud. He can't recall the last time he slept on a bed because he's pretty much been living out of his car these few days. Because he's at a point where the cold seats in his car feel more like home than an empty bed does.

 _Nothing can fill this emptiness the way your body filled mine or how your thoughts fill my mind._

Out of all the drugs, alcohol, and bad habits that Roman's life brought him, Dean turned out to be the worst. No one ever tells you how easy it is to get addicted to another human but it is. And coming down once they're gone feels like every bone in your body is aching. Aching for just a little bit more. Aching to go back to that first day and never touching them.

Roman misses Dean.

It's the type of missing someone that hits you when it's 10 AM. It's the type of missing someone that suffocates you and the only way to breathe again is to imagine inhaling his scent. It's the type of missing someone that you live with forever.

This is why he feels like he's living in this constant state of too much and not enough. Like the days are passing by too fast and too slow, and he's always either overwhelmed or empty.

* * *

After Roman checked in at the Marriott the next day, he hit the gym, freshened up, managed to eat something, saw a few of his colleagues who were staying at the same hotel, and then by the time it was around midnight, he found himself at the hotel bar chugging drink after drink trying to shut his mind off for at least a few moments. But apparently the universe was against him on this one. His mind kept wandering towards Dean, every single thought led back to Dean.

"Whoa, slow down.", a familiar voice said, behind Roman.

Roman turned his head around to find the owner of the voice and wasn't too disappointed at who it was, "Randy? What are you doing here?"

"Well I was here with a buddy then I saw you getting wasted, so, here I am.", Randy answered with a smile, as he walked up to sit next to Roman on the empty barstool. "How come you're drinking alone? I'm pretty sure I saw the other two earlier." Oh, so they are here. Roman's yet to see them.

Roman sighed, "Felt like being alone". As much he generally enjoyed Randy's company most of the time, he really felt like being alone right now. But at least having Randy is better than having Dean or Seth with him. He needed an escape.

"You alright?", Randy asked after a moment, Roman just nodded in reply.

"By the way, I heard the news. Sorry about the divorce," Randy was so close to adding ' _hope you're holding up well'_ but he could clearly see that Roman wasn't. He decided not to push it and probably talk to him at a better time.

"Thanks", Roman answered. Well, maybe it wasn't that good to have Randy with him.

Before Randy could say something else, his phone started ringing. He excused himself to answer it, and when he was done, he came back to Roman, "Sorry about that, I would've loved to hang out, but John called so I need to get to him. Catch up soon, yeah?"

"It's alright", Roman answered, giving him a thumbs up.

"Just go easy on the drinks, man" Randy said, he saw Roman give him a nod in return, before exiting the bar.

As he got out of the elevator and started walking towards his room, Randy saw Dean in the corridor – with someone else that Randy doesn't quite remember seeing before - and decided to give him a heads up on Roman because he was genuinely worried for him, and also because he felt like a shit friend for having to ditch him like that.

"Ambrose, listen up", he almost shouted, somewhat glad that it was an empty corridor.

Dean and the other guy stopped in their tracks, and turned to face Randy. "Hey, what going on?", Dean asked, confused.

"Your boy's getting hammered at the bar and I think he'll need some assistance soon, so you might wanna check up on him.", Randy answered, as he walked closer to Dean and co.

Dean was still confused. He knew Seth was out for dinner, so, that leaves… "Roman?"

"Yep, he's letting loose today, and he's alone. Never a good sign.", Randy stated, then remembered that he had something to do, "Anyway, you take care of that, I have a certain John to take care of.", he chuckled.

"Sure, thanks for letting know"

"No worries, good to see you though." Randy said, shaking Dean's hand, and then looked over at the man next to Dean with a confused look, which Dean noticed and then it hit him. "Oh, Daniel meet Randy, he's a friend. Randy meet Daniel, he's...", Dean trailed off, but Daniel caught on quickly to finish that sentence off for him, "boyfriend, I'm his boyfriend" he said, as he shook Randy's hand.

Randy noticed the iffy tone in Dean's voice but he knew this wasn't the best time for an interrogation, so he went with being polite, "Oh, nice to meet you. Hope you have a good time on the tour, if you're staying."

"Yeah, I'll be coming along for a few days. Nice to meet you too.", Daniel replied.

Randy just smiled, patted Dean on the back and then walked off.

"So, I still don't get a proper introduction?", Daniel asked Dean, when Randy was out of sight.

"Well, we never really spoke about where we are, so…" Dean shrugged. He wasn't sure of what would be the best excuse to get out of that situation but he was hoping this worked. Don't get him wrong, he wanted them to be exclusive and all that, but at the right time. And according to Dean, now is anything but the right time.

"You're really playing that card now? This isn't high school you know.", Daniel said, thoroughly unimpressed with Dean's answer. "Anyway, I hope I cleared it up for you.", he continued, inching closer towards Dean, and eventually kissing him. Slowly, as if to ensure him that this is it. That he means everything he says and that he cares. As for Dean, kissing Daniel at that moment felt he like he was flying and drowning at the same time. He was unsure of what triggered it but ever since Roman left, this is how it felt.

 _Roman. Oh shit, Roman._

"Roman", Dean exclaimed – while still kissing Daniel – and then immediately broke off the kiss.

"Uhm, it's Daniel", Daniel said, raising an eyebrow.

"No, not that. I have to go check on him.", Dean said, in a rush.

"Come on, babe," Daniel started, wrapping his arms around Dean, "we're just getting started, let's head up to our room. He's a big boy, he can handle himself."

Dean started to separate himself from Daniel's grip, "Yeah, but we aren't the smartest drinkers, so, I think it's safe if somebody checks up on him.", Dean said, planting a kiss on Daniel's lips, and then walking towards the elevator.

"You care way too much about him, y'know", Daniel said, barely any emotion on his face, as Dean reached close to the elevator.

Dean was taken aback; he sure as hell wasn't expecting to hear that from Daniel. "Well, then sounds like you don't have a lot of close friends, because, you know, this is what friends do.", Dean replied, without turning his face towards Daniel. Dean realized it was a low blow but it came out of his mouth before he could even process it. But he wasn't sorry for having said that. If Daniel wanted to stay in Dean's life then he has to get used to all of this because this is how Roman and him are, this is how they always were. The feelings might be different now, but once they're past this and back to being how they used to be, this is how things will be. Hopefully.

* * *

"You could've called", Roman heard a voice say, as he saw Dean slip into the seat next to him. It was way past midnight, the bar was almost empty. And if Roman was being honest, the last person he wanted to see now is Dean.

"Well let's not start with the could-have's", Roman replied, harshly, maybe the alcohol was getting to him.

"You're right, let's start with the should-have's.", Dean said, deadpanned. "Like how you should've called and how you should've told us where you were going so we didn't lose our minds over it."

"Well, congratulations. You found me.", Roman replied, still not making eye contact with Dean. This wasn't the alcohol speaking, Roman was well aware of what was happening. The fact that Dean decided to go with the second option – the one Roman was dreading – which was, not acknowledging the existence of the letter Roman left him, let alone give him an answer, meant that it was the final nail on the coffin. Roman could feel his heart sink deeper and deeper as every second passed by, he wasn't sure what he was expecting but he sure as hell wasn't expecting Dean to dodge that whole thing completely. And that kind of set him off.

"Are you okay? Where have you been?", Dean asked, unsure of what he was expecting as an answer. But besides that, the questions were genuine.

Roman just let out a chuckle when he heard Dean ask that, "It turns out that you're just really good at everything, isn't it? You're diversions are well on point."

Dean didn't say anything, although he had that coming, he was still surprised to hear that. This was Roman's breaking point, and he wanted to let it out.

"It's a shame that I poured and poured my heart into yours and now I'm as empty as this", Roman continued, looking at the empty glass in his hand. "I lost my fucking self while I lost my fucking mind while fucking losing you. I hope that answers your damn question."

Dean hates this, hates what he's done to Roman but he dealt with the same thing too. At least somewhat similar. Or that he hoped.

"I never wanted to be this person, Dean. The guy who's obsessed with his sadness because it's all that he has. I've heard people say that you can't break what's been broken but you've shattered pieces of pieces until there was nothing left of me so I know that's not always true, not with someone as reckless as you.", Roman continued again, he wanted to let it all out. He's unsure why, but he wanted Dean to know.

"You're making it sound like it's all my fault. You put me through the same thing", Dean said, in a low pitch.

"No, this is different. That time, you loved me and I didn't know but now you know that I love you and you made a decision knowing that.", Roman paused, took a deep breath, "The main difference is that I fucking love you, so I poured my heart out and gave you everything I had. You just said sorry in return."

"How many drinks have you had?", Dean asked, changing the subject. He decided he wasn't going to argue with Roman when he's drunk.

"Look, man, I really want to be alone right now so if you have nothing important to say then please go",

"How many of these have you had?", Dean asked again, pointing to glass in Roman's hand.

"Jus' go", Dean noticed how Roman was slurring.

"Actually, I think it's time for you to go back to your room. I know you've had way too many already." Roman chuckled again at that, of course Dean knew. He always does. _They_ always do. He always knows when Roman's had too much and how much Roman can tolerate the next morning without feeling the need to kill himself thanks to his hangover.

"Get up, come on," Dean said, pulling Roman off his bar stool and holding onto his arm so he doesn't fall onto the floor.

"Just get away from me, I'm fine" Roman said, trying to push Dean away, but he was already stumbling.

They've both done this kind of thing way too many times now, so trying to get Roman back to his room in one piece isn't the hardest task Dean's ever had to do.

They almost reached the elevator when Roman pushed Dean away again, and just stared at him. "You think you're intimidating me right now, but it's not working, you can't even look straight, so, save it. Let's go." Dean said, hooking Roman's arm on his shoulders.

They finally managed to reach Roman's room with somewhat minimal difficulty. Dean sat Roman down on his bed, took off his jacket and shoes, and then brought him a glass of water, "Come on, get up and drink this. You'll be thankful in the morning."

As soon as he said it, Roman pushed Dean's hand away, resulting in the glass being shattered on the floor.

"Roman, what the fuck?", Dean was getting angry now.

"Just leave and stop treating me like a goddamn child." Roman snapped at him.

"Then stop fucking acting like one", he shouted, then stood there for a while trying to calm his nerves, and with that Dean started cleaning up the mess on the floor so that Roman doesn't end up hurting himself in the morning. After he was done, he didn't say another word as Roman had already fallen asleep so he just put the blanket on him, and switched off the lights before leaving the room.

As Dean walked back to his room, one thing that Roman said kept racing in his mind.

 _The main difference is that I fucking love you, so I poured my heart out and gave you everything I had. You just said sorry in return_.

This isn't the case, is it?

* * *

A/N - Writer's block has ruined this chapter for me. It's not the best one yet, but I really wanted to get this chapter done and over with. I'm going to have a busy September with exams, Eid, and the internship so I knew if I wasn't going to post anything this weekend, then the next update would probably come in October. That's why I really wanted to post an update before the chaos starts.

As for the chapter, this is just a buildup for what's to come in the later chapters which includes probably more Ambreigns angst, more Randy, and some D&D smut (What? No! Well, maybe).

As for the people who read, favorite, leave reviews and messages regarding the story and have consistently been supportive so far - THANK YOU! You guys are ace!

Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. Let me know what you think!


	12. Chapter 12

Roman has kissed more bottles than people lately, and honestly, a hangover hurts less than heartbreak. The thought of Dean stings deeper than what his head was experiencing, but it was because of him. So, pretty even.

Roman woke up to a text from Randy asking to meet him at the lobby by 9 so they, Daniel, Dean, and Seth could go grab some breakfast and catch up. Roman's initial reaction was to type in a 'no thanks' but he decided against it. Why was he trying to avoid this? To not see Dean perhaps? Whether Roman wanted to admit it not, there was no doubt that Dean is gone. He's not Roman's anymore. Never was. Might as well live with it.

So, he dragged himself out of bed, took a steamy shower, found somewhat matching clothes and heads out. To his horror, the two people he first sees at the lobby are Daniel and Seth. Before Roman could even say anything, Seth greeted him, "you fucking jerk".

"Good morning to you too, Seth.", Roman casually replied.

"Are you fucking kidding me? That's the attitude you're going to throw at me? I was worried about you, man."

Look, I'm sorry. I really don't have the energy to do this right now.", Roman sighed.

"One week, no calls and no texts. Really?" Seth asked, completely ignoring what Roman said a while ago.

"I just needed some time on my own, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have blown you off but I really needed that.", voice sounded like he's pleading.

Seth saw the rest of the guys walking towards them so he decided to Roman go, for now. "Fine, but this is not over yet."

* * *

Dean sits down next to Daniel when they get to the table. Roman sitting beside Alanna and Seth. Dean shot a low "how's the hangover treating you?" to Roman before h sat down. To which Roman replied with "never been better". It's their usual.

"So, how did you two meet?" Randy asks, after they're done ordering, while Roman's writing something down in the book Randy's daughter's got laid out on the table.

"It's a long story", Dean tried to brush it off, whereas Daniel shot him a weird look.

"Come on now, unless it's via craigslist, I'm sure I have the time to hear."

"Yeah, tell us. Everyone loves a good first time story.", Roman added, deadpanned.

"You two never discussed this?" Daniel asks, looking between Dean and Roman.

Roman's head shoots up to stare at Dean. He probably wasn't expecting Dean to tell Daniel about all their infamous meet-ups.

"Um…no, we mostly just talked about normal stuff. I figured we'd wait on it until you were around, babe," Dean answers with a tight smile. Roman has gone back to resolutely staring at the notebook.

"Oh," Daniel says before clearing his throat. "Um….well, we originally know each other since elementary, grew up in the same town and all that but we lost touch after high school. He had his training to focus on and I had college. We met again a few months ago at a friend's party."

Dean nods and plays with his fingers. This is such an awkward question.

"Let me guess. You were pouring yourself a drink and you looked over to see a beautiful boy standing in the corner and it was love at first sight?" Roman asks, still staring at the notebook.

If Dean didn't know every tone and cadence of his voice, he would have sworn Roman wasn't taking the piss, that he was genuinely interested. The problem is that Dean does know Roman's voice and does, in fact, know the flash in his eyes to know that he was just trying to get a rise. Fortunately, it all goes over Daniel's head.

"Actually, no." Daniel shifts in his seat and reaches over to grab Dean's hand, lacing their fingers together. It's at a weird angle, and that's the reason, Dean tells himself, it's his first instinct to pull his hand away. Roman's eyes track the contact. "Dean was drunk off his ass, kissing some guy in the corner and I was the hero that pulled him away and suggested he find someone else to kiss…meaning me."

Daniel says this all with a cheeky grin and Dean watches Roman take a deep breath, filling his lungs and making his shoulders rise as far as they will go. He mentally counts to three before Roman releases his breath and lets out an award winning smile.

"Well, isn't that just….cute.", Roman replied.

"We are pretty cute," Dean says, squeezing Daniel's hand and aiming a smile right at Roman. "Best decision I've ever made. He was a much better kisser than the other guy, let me tell you." Dean's not lying, he's actually happy with his choices. Especially considering it was at the time when he was desperately trying to forget about Roman, and if that meant getting hot and heavy with a few people, he was all up for it. He did manage to do it for a while until he met Daniel, then it was just all about him.

Roman nods and gives a noncommittal grunt as he begins to draw something in Alanna's book. To his credit, Roman doesn't give away his unease at Randy's probing questions about their love lives and their hopes and dreams for their life together. He doesn't react more than shoot a look at Dean when Daniel says he hates dogs and would much rather live in a flat in the city than in a quieter area near the family. Dean knows that being in an adult relationship means compromises and if that means the kids don't get a backyard and fancy playground when they're little, the world isn't going to end.

"So, wow, you guys have known each other since forever. Does that mean we get an early wedding or kids?", Randy joked. Daniel chuckled at that, whereas Roman just wanted the ground to open up and swallow him.

"Well isn't that just a bit personal?" Dean answers, trying to deflect. "I think we've had enough questions for today." Dean continued, trying to laugh it off.

Daniel gives him a weird look before saying, "Actually with my career and Dean's busy schedule, unless he's ready to actually settle down in one place rather than going from town to town every other day, I was thinking we'd hold off on kids for a while. Or like…ever."

Roman visibly blanches at that, skin turning pale and eyes going wide as he turns to stare at Dean.

"Dean?" he asks, voice small and a little desperate.

 _They're sitting on the couch in front of the TV on a Friday night. Dean's back is pressed against the back of the couch and Roman's sitting right next to him while Seth's sitting on the single sofa. They're watching a movie when a few kids showed up on the screen and that seemed to trigger Dean._

 _"I want kids," Dean said, relatively out of the blue. "Maybe not twelve or anything, but I want a family when I'm older."_

 _"Me too," Roman says, hiding his smile in the back of his hand. "twelve's a bit excessive though."_

 _"Even as young as you are?" Seth asks, watching them with a soft look in his eyes._

 _They both nod together._

 _"I've always wanted kids," Roman says, shrugging._

 _"Probably helps you have a house full of kids to train yourself with," Dean mumbles when he turns back to the TV._

 _Roman smiles and nods before focusing on the movie again. The house is quiet and he's got his two favourite people beside him. It's easy to imagine growing old in a house like this with Dean and having kids run around. The sounds of small feet hitting hardwood floors as children scamper around, jumping over abandoned toys and arguing over who gets to sit in the prime seat in the car sounds nice._

 _"I'm thinking I'll name my first child Mia or something.", Dean continues, still staring at the TV. Seth shoots him an 'are you still going on about this?' look whereas Roman just turns to look at Dean, waiting for him to continue. "And I guess it's Latin, like Roman, so you can't be mad at me. Just some of the benefits you're going to enjoy as the godfather. Or maybe Melanie, I've always loved the name"._

 _Before Roman could reply, Seth barged in into the conversation, "Hold the fuck up. You're 21, you don't even have a partner now that you can have kids with, and Roman's already getting godfather rights. Um, hello? Am I dead?"_

 _"Hey, don't you take that away from me. I'm calling it.", Roman said, trying to sound threatening._

 _"You can't just call being the godfather. Are you 12?", Seth said, trying to sound reasonable, which this conversation really hasn't been._

 _"Of course I can, I just did.", Roman replied, with a shit-eating grin on his face. Seth shot him a death glare and then looked at Dean, who just shrugged in return as if to say 'I'm not getting involved, you two sort it on your own'._

 _"Or you could be my kid's godfather.", Roman suggested._

 _Seth was considering it, but Dean interrupted, "OH HELL NO!" he almost shouted, "That's my spot. Dammit Reigns, I'm giving you mine, you have to give me yours."_

 _Dramatic, nice._

 _"You guys suck.", Seth huffed out a breath. "You two should just get married to each other and promote me to godfather status. No hassle. You get your kids and I live my life without any responsibilities." Oh how wrong they were._

 _"Sounds like a good idea. Wanna elope, Deano?", Roman asked, trying his best to keep a straight face._

 _"Oh God, really? I thought this day was never going to come.", Dean replied, melodramatically, "Of course, I will."_

 _"That settles it then.", Roman concluded, with that annoying grin on his face that Seth wanted to punch right off. And also Dean's._

Now that Roman looks back at that almost nine year old memory, he can picture it, the big, quiet house, a nice little backyard, a pool, and sure, kids but right now he can't imagine not having Dean by his side during all that.

Dean clears his throat to knock himself out of his thoughts before turning to Daniel. Daniel's looking at him expectantly and he can see Roman's face slowly starting to crumble into something close to disappointment in the corner of his eye.

"But I want kids, Daniel," Dean says softly. Dean knew more than well it had nothing to do with their schedule, it was just the fact that Daniel didn't want to have kids. Period.

They've had this conversation before. Well, maybe not this exact conversation, it's way too early to be talking about marriage and kids but Dean has always hinted at the fact that he adores children. Daniel, on the other hand, doesn't seem very fond of them.

Daniel sighs, "Yeah, I know. We can have this discussion later. It's not like we're getting married right now, it's only been a few months, when the time comes, we'll see."

Dean nods and turns his attention back to Roman who's managed to control his face better. There's still a hint of sadness or disappointment, or maybe both, in his eyes, but his face is mostly neutral.

"Ok, um, I guess if you guys are done we should head back so we can actually get some training done. But before we do that I need to pick up some flowers, Melissa's coming to visit, so, a nice gesture and all that." Seth made it sound like a chore, but the smile on his face when he mentioned his girlfriend's name said otherwise.

"Sounds great," Daniel says, standing up and pulling Dean along, hands still firmly clasped together.

It's a quiet ride down to the ground floor, and maybe it's not as tense of an atmosphere as Dean thinks it is, but it's not comfortable either. As they walk out to the parking lot, Roman's shoulder bumps into Dean and Dean lets out a long breath he didn't know he'd been holding.

"Roman and I know this flower shop that does really good work. It's a couple blocks down, so just follow me," Seth says before heading to his car. Roman shot him a thumbs up before he, Randy and Alanna head to his own car.

The shop ends up being a small little thing on a street corner named Carlton's Flowers. When Dean walks in with Daniel by his side, he sees that Seth and Roman are already at the front desk talking with a woman with long grey-blue hair and tattoos covering her arms.

A minute later Randy and his daughter enter the store. As soon as she sees Roman again, she comes running at him, squealing out an "Uncle Romie!" as Roman bends down and lifts her into the air. She's all giggles and long brown hair, pink cheeks and bright blue eyes.

Roman turns to see Dean and Daniel standing behind him and Dean notices that he's wearing his first real smile of the day. He leans in to kiss the little girl on the cheek.

"Elle, this is Alanna, Randy's daughter", Roman told the lady at the counter as he pointed towards Randy, "and my absolute favorite girl in the world." Roman smiled at Alanna and hugged her tighter.

"Nice to meet you, gorgeous.", the woman at the counter, Elle's the name as Dean's heard, shook Alanna's hand.

"So, what are we here for today? Someone getting hitched?", Elle asked excitedly, then she turned to look at Seth, "Did you finally pop the question?"

"I did, indeed. But -"

"Wait, what? When?", Roman asked, a little too loudly.

"See this is what happens when you block me out, you miss out on important events. I'll tell you about it later." Seth then turned to look at Elle, "No wedding, just picking something up for Melissa."

"Sure, come on, I'll show you around. And I better be the wedding florist. If you want a reference, just ask Roman. Did a hell of a job making that wedding look pretty."

Roman nodded in confirmation.

Oh, so that's how they know her. She was Roman's wedding florist. Dean flinches at the thought of that marriage.

"Will definitely keep that in mind.", Seth smiled at her. With that, Elle disappeared somewhere in the backroom.

"Well, hello there again, Miss Alanna! Want me to pick up some flowers for you?" Roman asks, reaching out his hand and shaking her smaller one with his fingers.

"Yes!" Alanna exclaims and giggles, burying her face in Roman's neck. Dean is instantly endeared.

Elle then comes out from behind the counter and starts to show Seth around while Roman hangs back and sets Alanna down on the counter. Dean can hear him asking her about her day at school and what she might want for her birthday.

"Want me to pick something up for you?", Daniel suddenly asked, more like whispered, in Dean's ears.

"Have you really pegged me for the flower kind?"

"No, but it's cute once in a while. You complain about me not being thoughtful enough and when I suggest something, you shoot it down. You have to meet me halfway."

Dean sighed, well, Daniel did have a point. "Sure, go on. I'm sorry." Dean looked at Daniel and planted a soft kiss on his lips.

"I'm just saying y'know. You could find me something too if you like." Daniel mumbled, and wandered off.

Daniel decides he's going to look at one half of the shop while Dean looks at the other. Dean thinks it's a stupid idea seeing as they should work together to find something for both of them, but whatever. He's always thought orchids looked cool and finds a large range of colours in the far corner. There are purples and blues and reds and whites and Dean doesn't know which one he likes best. Well he knows which he likes best, he's just doesn't know which ones Daniel will like best.

He steadfastly ignores the voice in his head that says maybe there's a reason he doesn't know that.

A purple rose appears in front of his face and Dean turns to see Roman smiling cheekily at him.

"I can't use that one," Dean says quietly so Daniel won't turn towards them.

Roman frowns a little and twirls the rose between his fingers. "And why not?" he asks. Then looks at Alanna, "you like it, right?". To which she nodded furiously.

 _"What are you doing?" Dean asks, as he sits down on Roman's couch._

 _"Flowers," Roman answers softly._

 _"Why flowers?"_

 _He feels Roman shrug his shoulders and it's quiet for a while. "I was thinking about what flowers we should have at my wedding, actually." It's a quiet statement and Dean can tell that Roman's trying to sound nonchalant about it._

 _After a moment, Dean bursts into laughter as Roman mumbles, "Asshole" under his breath._

 _"Why are you doing that?", Dean finally manages to ask once he has collected himself._

 _"Galina and I decided to split the wedding responsibilities and apparently flowers are on me. Whatever that's about.", Roman shrugged._

 _"Makes more sense now, and what were you thinking?" he asks, trying to help. Not really._

 _"Well, turns out it depends on the message we want, really. I was thinking roses because they're more traditional. Orange signifies passion and attraction." Roman reads that bit from the paper in his hand. "And we both know we don't have any problem with that.", he chuckled._

 _"Ugh, I don't need to hear about your love life. Keep that love and passion crap away from me.", Dean had a disgusted look on his face._

 _"Oh boy, we really need to find you someone or else you're going to die as a bitter old man who doesn't believe in love.", Roman chuckled.._

 _Dean just flashed his middle finger at Roman and mouthed a 'fuck you'. Roman chuckled at that again, then continued reading from the paper._

 _"And red is always a good thing to use, since it signifies love and if you're getting married, you should love your future spouse." Roman says, as he runs a finger along the paper._

 _"You like the word spouse, don't you," Dean mocks._

 _"Yeah. It's like a weird combination of words. Highly underused." Roman states as a matter of fact._

 _Dean can't keep down his fond laugh._

 _"But I think I like purple best,"_

 _"And why's that, Rome?"_

 _"Because purple means enchantment and desire and love at first sight. And I know it was love at first sight. She had me from the get go" Roman says, voice very soft. Just looking a Roman then, Dean knew that the flower colour scheme for that wedding was definitely going to be purple. He may not have enough faith in love, but when he looks at Roman and Galina, it gives him a tiny bit of hope._

"Because it's not love at first sight, it wouldn't be right to use it," Dean answers, turning back to the orchids.

He feels Roman take a step closer, can feel his body heat as he leans in to push his chest against Dean back. Roman's lips brush his ear and Dean freezes. He's not sure what to do. His blood pumps quickly through his veins and his whole body feels like it's on fire.

"Mmm, this isn't for that. You know it." Roman murmurs against his ear.

Dean shivers and he knows Roman can feel it because he can feel Roman's lips pull into a smirk. Roman steps away and walks back, voice loud and chipper as he calls out to Alanna to see if she wants him to make her a pretty princess flower crown. Dean has to take a few deep breaths to ground himself before turning around. He sets the rose down, careful not to let the thorns snag his skin, and searches for Daniel. When he spots him, Dean walks up to him and puts his hand on the small of his back, scratching lightly.

"Find anything you like?" Dean asks, placing a kiss onto Daniel's shoulder.

Daniel shrugs and pulls out a carnation from a pile of flowers and holds it up to Dean. Dean tries not to wrinkle his nose at the flower, it's nothing compared to a velvety purple rose. This is safer though, a flower with no thorns that can cut deep and hurt for ages, so Dean smiles up at Daniel and accepts it with a kiss to his cheek.

Alanna squeals behind them and Dean turns to see Roman throwing her up in the air and then kissing her cheek as he brings her close to his chest again. He's so good with kids, always has been, and Dean aches to know what he'd be like as a father. Deep down, Dean knows that Daniel never wants to be a father and that if – when – they even get married, the likelihood of them having kids is slim.

Dean plays with the petals of the carnation, watching them fall to the floor if he tugs too hard, and thinks about tiny feet hitting the hardwood floor of a future house with a picket fence, and waking up in the morning to a loving husband. When his mind conjures up the images of waking up to bright grey eyes and long black hair instead of green eyes and a messy quiff, Dean shakes his head and tries to focus on the flowers around him.

He tries not to think about the significance of it all as he picks up the rose and puts them along the carnations before they leave. They follow Seth out of the store, shouting their goodbyes to Elle, when Roman places his hand discreetly on the small of Dean's back as they walk to their cars while Daniel's a bit ahead, talking to Randy.

"Nice purple flower you've got there," Roman says under his breath, a smug smile taking over his pretty lips.

Dean ignores him and steps away from the burning fingers on his back. He doesn't look at Roman before climbing into the car with Daniel.

* * *

Roman's standing in front of Dean's hotel room waiting for him to open the door. Dean looks genuinely surprised to see Roman standing there. "Whats up?"

"Just wanted to say thank you for bringing me to my room last night.", Roman said with a sincere smile. "No worries. I've got you.", Dean smiled back at Roman. "Sorry if I went overboard with any comments though." Roman decided to stare at the ground rather than Dean's eyes.

"So, you remember?"

"Not exactly, I just have a hazy memory of what happened.", Roman admitted. "It's cool. I can take it." Dean shrugged. He really could. Living with Roman for so many years have made him absolutely resilient in this field.

"It's just that I have a lot on my plate and there's so much going on. I haven't really found a way to get rid of that energy."

"Trust me, I get it. It's okay. I'm still here." Dean said, voice soft, "I'm glad you're talking to me at least. I feel like I've been a jerk to you, so I'm sorry too."

"Don't be. I deserved it.", Roman said.

"No, you didn't. Anyway, truce?", Dean suggested, with a smile as he outstretched his hand towards Roman. After shaking hands, Dean invited him to come in. They talked for a while about some random stuff and then finally, Roman went for it.

"The thank you was an excuse," he murmured.

"For what?"

"I thought maybe I could show up at your door to apologize and maybe… you might let me in. Or something. I was worried that your boyfriend might have an issue, so I've been trying to go as fast as I could. I mean, I figured maybe if I could make better decisions, and if I took a little better care of myself, and if I try to stop being such a mean fucker then this probably wouldn't have happened,…" He shook his head. "But don't misunderstand. It's not like I expected you to be happy to see me. I was just… you know, hoping… coffee. Tea. Chance to talk. Or some shit. Friends, maybe. That's what you wanted, right? You best friend back? Except you have a guy, he wouldn't like that I suppose. So, yeah, that's why I've been hurrying."

Roman's eyes lifted to look at Dean's. He was wincing, as if he were afraid of what might be showing on Dean's face.

"Friends?", Dean repeated.

"Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't disgrace you by asking for more than that. I know that you regret… Anyway, I just couldn't let you go without…" Roman shook his head. No, he wasn't going to do this right now, "Yeah, so… friends."

Dean, for some reason, looked like he wasn't sure where this sensibility was coming from all of a sudden. "How… I mean it's great but where's this suddenly coming from?"

"You said you're done with me, and I accept that. I'm a different person than I was a few months ago. I've changed... I think, for the better. But no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to do right by you. Everything I do ends up making you unhappy. We were friends first, Deano, then we hooked up, then you fell in love with me, then you fell out of love. Eventually I fell in love, and now, it'll probably take a while for me to get over you. Or perhaps I will always love you, but if I can't make you happy, it doesn't make much sense for me to try to get you back. Right now, for the life of me I can't imagine being with anyone else, but I'll be happy as long as we're at least in each other's life, I guess. Maybe if that's only possible as friends then so be it. " There was sincerity in Roman's eyes and in his voice, which made Dean's chest ache and made him happy at the same time.

"You really want to be friends?" Dean asked, the words burning in his mouth.

"I want you to be happy. Whatever that takes."

* * *

A/N – I'm back! I've lost my touch with story but I'm glad I was able to put this up at least. Slow chapter, I know, but I wanted to show the dynamics of everyone's relation at this point. The drama properly continues in the next chapter.

Thank you for waiting, the patience some of you guys have when it comes to dealing with me and this story is remarkable. So, thanks for keeping up with this beautiful disaster so far!

Enjoy. Let me know what you think!


	13. Chapter 13

Roman's standing in front of Dean's hotel room, case of beer in one hand, the other poised to knock and announce his entrance. Seth had texted him earlier saying that the door was open and to come on in, but Roman's mother raised him to knock before entering someone's home. Taking a deep breath, Roman knocks gently and pushes the door open, awkwardly leaning into the house and lugging the beer behind him.

He enters to see Randy and Melissa sitting on the couch, having a conversation. Suddenly, a loud war cry erupts from the ground and Roman glances down to see Seth throw his controller down on the floor and letting out a defeated sigh. Dean raises his first in the air and whoops again.

"You are shit at this, Rollins!" he shouts and lets out a laugh as Seth punches him lightly in the stomach.

Roman clears his throat and all five people turn to look at him. He waves awkwardly with his free hand and nods to the kitchen area before going to put his stuff down. The talking picks back up in the living room and Roman starts to tug at the box until a beer pops free.

"Hey," Dean's voice says behind him. It wasn't as awkward as it used to be, it's certainly better now. Almost a month has passed since they had the "talk" where they decided to get back on good terms regarding their friendship. The progress has been slow but significant and they can now hang out in a totally platonic way when required, although Roman doesn't quite still prefer it.

Roman turns around and says "Hey" around the lip of his can. The beer is bitter and cheap, but it's alcohol and it'll do.

Dean steps forward slowly, as if he's scared Roman's going to jump out and attack him. "You came," Dean says softly, eyes warm even if his arms are crossed defensively in front of his chest.

"I did. It is a boys night. And you know…we all haven't done this in a while, courtesy of us, well, just me. So I guess, making up for lost time." Roman winces and tells his mouth to stop moving.

Dean's lips curl up on the sides like he's fighting back a smile. "Glad you're here."

Roman takes a long gulp of this poor excuse of a beer. They stand in silence for a few moments before Dean sighs and reaches out, pulling Roman towards him. Roman finds himself wrapped up in Dean's arms, can feel Dean hair brushing his chin, and responds by wrapping his arms around Dean's back.

"I'm not mad at you or anything, just wanted to let you know," Dean mumbles into his shirt.

"Good." Roman murmurs into Dean hair. He presses a soft kiss to the crown of his head.

"Roman."

Roman snorts unattractively and pulls away from Dean. He nods regardless and offers Dean a beer, which Dean declines in favor of going to the fridge and pulling out a pink mixed concoction in a pitcher. Dean pours the drink in a cup and Roman reaches over to steal a sip.

"Put your beer in the fridge so it'll get cold and come out and play video games with us. We'll annihilate everyone, you and me. Dream team, remember?", Dean asked, with a wide smile on his face.

Roman nods and passes Dean as he grabs his case of beer and puts it in the refrigerator. Their friends had called them the Dream Team whenever they paired up for games because they just seemed to be able to read each other's minds and work together really well. Maybe they still had the psychic connection. Roman decides not to think about it and heads back into the common room.

He finds a spot between Dean and Seth on the floor and plops down, grabbing a lone controller off of the table in front of him.

"Ro is on my team!" Dean announces, nudging Roman's shoulder before taking a sip of his drink.

Seth wiggles his eyebrows at Roman, not at all the subtle one, and Roman rolls his eyes at him.

This is their first boys night in a long time, but everything just seems to fit. Seth's loud and constantly laughing at something, Randy and Melissa are quiet and just watching everything happen while interjecting little anecdotes here and there, and Seth almost roughhouses with Dean on the floor when he claims that Dean – well, the ref - has cheated him out of a penalty, and Dean is as bright as sunshine and positively radiating. Roman can't keep his eyes off of him.

Roman and Dean do end up winning the most games out of everyone. They're almost unbeatable until Randy gives in and he and John pair up as Seth decided to take a break. It's like a battle between which pairing can read their partner's minds and motives the most. It's amazing how Roman still feels so in tune with how Dean thinks and knows how he's going to react. The only problem is that Randy's always been a master at FIFA and even Roman can't beat him on the best of days. Roman decides to blame the almost year long gap since the last time he and Dean teamed up for their loss.

"Awe, don't feel bad Deano!" Seth chirps from the couch. He's got a shit eating grin on his face and Roman knows he's not going to be letting this win go anytime soon. "Maybe you're just losing your touch. You know, FIFA can be really difficult.", he mocks.

"I'm not losing my touch," Dean says like a five year old. He even huffs out a breath and if he'd been standing, Roman's sure he would have stomped his foot.

Dean snickers some more and nudges Romans foot with his own. He doesn't actually move his cold toes away once their pressed into Roman's skin, but Roman doesn't mind the constant contact. They resume playing FIFA and Seth eventually convinces Roman to be his partner.

A few hours pass full of laughter and grand jokes. Dean has scooted closer to Roman throughout the evening, leaning into his shoulder and giggling into the back of his hand at some points. It's nice feeling Dean's body pressed against his. He still smells like summer and warm windy days just like he used to, and Roman just wants to stay wrapped up in Dean for the rest of his life. Maybe if Randy's top secret plan works, that could happen.

"I'm gonna have a smoke," Randy says eventually, grabbing his pack from the side table by the couch.

Roman gets up to follow him out onto the balcony and Dean watches as Roman pulls a cigarette out of Randy's pack and leans forward for Randy to light it up. The smoke curls into the air and disappears as Roman exhales his first puff.

Roman sighs and runs a hand through his hair. Being around Dean is so intoxicating and he feels like he's a stupid sixteen year old again instead of a twenty nine year old man who until a few months ago was happy to just live his life with his wife.

Roman finished his cigarette quickly and then went back into the room to find Dean and Seth missing. He turns to see Melissa still sitting on the couch, knees pulled up to her chest and fingers picking at the hem of her shirt. She's studying Roman in silence and Roman turns his body towards her and tries to give a small smile. He knows that Melissa isn't his biggest fan at the moment. It's not like she's mean about it or outwardly standoffish, it's just that there seems to be this invisible physical barrier she puts up around Roman and he's not sure what to do about that.

Melissa takes a swig of her own beer before letting out a long sigh.

"You don't like me anymore, do you?" Roman finally asks to break the weird staring tension.

Melissa sighs again and sets her bottle down on the table, "What do you want me to say? You're asking that as if we just met."

"Well, you're pretending that way. We've barely spoken since you came back and it's been more than a month."

She sighs again and then turns to look at him, "It's not like I don't like you anymore, and you know that. We've all known each other for a long time now and I consider you and Dean like my brothers. And that's why I'm very protective of him, especially after all that he's been through lately."

Roman nods and comes to sit up on the couch next to Melissa. He's always had a bad back and sitting on the floor for so long is starting to make it hurt.

"I get that," Roman says after a moment. "But I'm not here to like hurt Dean or anything. I honestly just miss being around him and I want to get back to being friends, at the least."

"At the least," Melissa parrots, as she raises an eyebrow. "That's the problem though, isn't it, Roman? You want more than that and I can see that maybe Dean does too on some subconscious level, a level we both know he's not ready to admit to yet. And then there's this whole thing with him being in a relationship. Daniel isn't a terrible person. He's really not. He's made some mistakes, but who hasn't. He's maybe not the most romantic or anything but he's not a terrible person and it was Dean's choice to commit to him. You should respect that. You being here and worming your way back in is messing with a life that Dean is planning to start with someone else."

Roman looks down as he draws his finger in nonsense shapes over the fabric of his jeans. He takes a deep breath and turns to peer out the window onto the balcony where his three friends stand, he's not sure when but now Dean and Seth have joined Randy out there. Dean has his head back, hand clutching his stomach as he laughs loudly at something Seth has just said. Randy - the only one still smoking now as Dean and Seth are anti-cigarettes - is leaning against the rail beside Dean, staring at them like they're idiots. It's a picturesque scene with the fading evening light in the background and the brick wall of the opposite building as the background to three boys having a laugh. Roman spent way too much time being isolated these past few months, he just wants a part of this life again.

"Ok, so maybe I do want him back," Roman admits softly. "I do. So much, Mel. I know that he's with someone else, but do you see Daniel here? Do you see him coming to our boys night and enjoying hanging with Dean's friends? I haven't been around a long time, but what I've seen with Daniel and Dean's relationship is that there's something not really right with it and I'm not just saying that because I'm so in love with him that I can't see straight. I know it's been almost a year and we've both grown in our own ways and things are different, hell I know things are so, so different than how they used to be, but one thing is always going to be the same. Dean deserves someone that will climb rooftops to shout about how much they love him and to hold his hand and get along with his friends. He deserves someone that's going to laugh at his jokes and take him out to dinner and cook breakfast for him in bed. I want to be that. I haven't stopped wanting that and I'm an idiot for it, but I still love him just as much as the time I realised it about six months ago. Dean is an all-consuming force of nature and he needs someone burning with love for him."

Dean lets out another loud cackle and Roman glances over to see his eyes crinkle up around the corners. Roman is so in love, it's insane.

"Look Roman, I'll always love you. But right now I want to like you as a person that could make Dean happy but given the situation, I just don't see it. It's just that he's already with someone else and I don't believe it's right if you go around trying to break that up," Melissa says sternly. Her eyes are soft though, so Roman feels that he's making a little bit of headway.

"But I'm not like actively doing it!" Roman protests. "I'm just hanging out with someone I used to best friends' with and if something more happens then it happens. But I'm not going to consciously do anything that would harm his relationship, I respect it."

Melissa snorts and shakes her head but doesn't say anything for a few minutes. They look over to see the Randy stubbing out the cigarette on the ground as they're about to come back in.

"When Dean's with you or talks about you, he seems really happy. And I get everything you said. He's been so closed off for so long and it's because of what happened with you. I only resent you now because of the path you chose, you were cheating and I, personally, don't condone it but the worse was what happened afterwards, when things ended, he broke down. It lasted months, hell, I've seen him at his absolute weakest, day in and day out, the more I saw how badly he's doing, the more I resented you. And I know you know this. That's why it's more about him for me than you.", Melissa said, softly, as if not actively trying to hurt Roman.

Roman sat there, staring at the floor, trying to take in all of this. She was correct though, Roman did know that she actively disliked him for what he did to Dean, and as a result, he doesn't blame her for being so protective of Dean now. But he just wants to mend things with everyone right now, whether it be Dean or Melissa, he wants to prove that he is a changed man and this time, he's ready to take the fall.

Sensing Roman's silence, Melissa continued. "I just want him to be happy. I'm worried that when this is all said and done, he's going to be broken again and I don't want to see that happen." she looks so serious and overprotective that it makes Roman want to question why she thinks he would leave Dean again. But he decided to not pursue that.

"I don't want to hurt Dean. The ball's really in his court. I'm just here to hang out with him and be a part of his life again."

"Mmm, wanting to be friends with a guy who you still have feelings for never works," Melissa points out, grabbing her beer and taking a sip.

"I can't just push all my feelings away in a day, it takes some time. Right now, I'm not there yet but maybe if given the time, I'll get over him."

"Your call. Just be careful, please."

Roman just shrugs as the door to the balcony opens and Seth, Dean, and Randy pile back into the living room. Seth plops down next to Melissa and throws his arm around her, pulling her in. Randy and John resume their seat on the floor and Dean sits down on the floor as well, right in front of Roman and leans back on the couch in the space between Roman's legs.

Melissa stays quiet but she seems a bit more open when she does say something. She even asks Roman direct questions and maybe that's what needed to happen. Their talk didn't really solve anything, but Melissa got to express her opinions and clear the air and Roman got to pour his heart out. Maybe it'll get better. Melissa's eyes are a bit brighter and Seth seems to notice a change because he keeps looking between them with a questioning look on his face. Their interaction visibly surprises Seth, as he was well aware that she hasn't been Roman's biggest supporter as of late and that for the last few months she's tried her best to ignore him. Roman just shrugs and nudges Seth's shoulder before subconsciously sliding his fingers on Dean's neck to give him a little massage while they decide on a movie to watch. Dean automatically leans back into the touch and Roman watches as his eyes slip closed and his head tilts back like a kitten begging to be petted. It's nothing out of the blue; they've given in each other massages well enough in the past. But now for some reason, it just feels a bit more intimate.

 _It doesn't have to be anything more than platonic friendship until Dean wants more,_ Roman tells himself as he feels Melissa's eyes on his fingers tracing Dean's neck.

* * *

It's a warm night, sun melting over the buildings and painting the sky in hues of gold and purple.

They are back in California for a few days, Dean decided to hang out in Roman's house but after a while, Roman wanted to leave the house and head somewhere else. When they got out of the parking lot, Roman quickly maneuvers the car so they're cutting around buildings to some back roads he knows he can let the throttle out on and just fly through the mostly empty streets. When he revs the engine and lets the car shoot forward, Dean cackles loud and unapologetically. He screeches and Roman can feel him throw his head back and enjoy the setting sun and rushing wind as he sings along to the songs playing on the radio. It's exhilarating and Roman loves how the tires race against the asphalt and his mind goes blank, the only thing he can hear is the wind blowing past his ears and Dean's musical laughter.

They slow down a few miles down the road and Roman turns off onto a dirt path.

"Where have you taken us, Ro? Are you kidnapping me and keeping me hostage?" Dean asks as he ungracefully stumbles off of the car. Roman reaches out and steadies him before he can fall.

"Just this place I found once when I was bored. There's a stream just down there that I like to sit by."

Roman leads them further down the path until he can hear the burbling creek and smell the flowers that bring life into the running water. They sit down and Dean slips off his shoes to stick his feet in. Roman feels him shiver next to him and takes it as an invitation to put his arm around him.

They sit in silence for a while, just enjoying the gentle press of bodies and the rustling of nature around them. A squirrel shoots out from under a bush and scampers over to a fallen acorn before disappearing into the brush once more. A butterfly floats past, lazily flapping its delicate wings. The wind rustles the leaves in the trees around them and a fish jumps through the water. It's all very relaxing.

"Thanks for bringing me out here," Dean says softly.

The sun has finally started to disappear and the coolness of the early evening settles in around them. Crickets start to chirp and a frog hops around just beyond their resting place.

"Seemed like you were getting stressed lately and I know you don't deal well with stress," Roman says shrugging. "It's the least I could do."

Dean hums and leans back to peer up at the sky. The trees are blocking the way but every now and then the leaves will sway and the darkening sky will be visible. It melts from a deep ocean blue to black splotchy ink, and Dean says the sky's beautiful. Roman thinks that Dean is beautiful.

"So you two lasted a few months, ey?," Roman says softly, afraid of breaking the mood but also terrified of not saying anything at all. His head is so full of swirling emotions and half formed sentences that if he doesn't say anything, he thinks he might explode.

Dean just hums in return.

"You guys doing well?" Roman asks to the trees above him. He can't find the courage to look at Dean right now.

"I guess," Dean answers, voice forcibly light. "I mean, we have been moving forward with everything pretty quick but it's not that I'm complaining, just never moved so fast in a relationship but we're both in for the long haul so that's reassuring. It'll be a big change, I guess. With moving to a new home in Ohio and all that.", Dean blabbers on without a filter and then mentally curses himself when he realises what he just said.

Roman freezes and he can feel Dean tense and scoot away from him, like his words physically punched him right back in the chest. Or maybe Roman's just projecting because it sure as hell feels like he just got slapped in the face.

"Wait, what?" Roman gasps, staring wide eyed at Dean who currently looks like he wishes the ground would swallow him whole.

"Nothing," he grits out, staring down at the dirt they've been sitting on.

"You're moving back to Ohio?" Roman asks, and he knows that Dean can hear the pain in his voice because he watches how he flinches at the words.

Dean nods eventually.

Roman can't fucking breathe.

"When?"

"A few weeks after we're done with the next tour, so like a little less than 2 months.", Dean's brows are furrowed and his voice is so quiet that Roman has to really listen to hear him.

"How long have you known about this?" Roman pushes, trying to force the words out of his mouth even though his tongue feels swollen and his chest hurts.

"Just a little while. Since…since Seth and Mel's anniversary thing and-"

"That was 3 weeks ago, Dean!" he nearly shouts back at him. Dean shrinks even further away from him.

"I know, it's just that Daniel got this job back in Ohio that he really can't pass up, and he suggested that we buy a house, move there, you know, start our new life together from our roots, the place we both grew up in with our families. And I didn't know how to tell you and it just came out."

Dean looks so tiny right now, Roman realizes. He's got his knees pulled up to his chest and his face tucked into his knees with just his eyes peering up over his jeans. His fingers are scratching through the dirt at his sides and he's so hunched over that Roman thinks he could easily pick him up and cradle him to his chest.

"So you're moving and you weren't even going to tell me?" Roman spits out, anger flaring and harsh memories flooding his mind.

 _It's better this way. I'm leaving. Stop, Roman_.

"I want to stay, Roman, I do. I just got you back and I don't want to leave, but I have to, my relationship is on the line here."

"You don't have to do anything, Dean!" Roman snaps. He stands up and starts to pace, keeping his eyes carefully away from Dean as he rants. "You don't have to leave, you don't have to be with him, and you didn't have to turn me down when I came to you begging for a chance!"

Dean stands up and there's a storm brewing behind his eyes, Roman can see it when he glances over.

"How fucking dare you, Roman! That's in the past. I thought you were over that, where the hell is that sensibility gone now? Don't shit on me for my mistakes and it's not like I want to leave you guys. The same way you got scared and ran away the first time, I did the same when you came back to me confessing your love, I just got scared, I pushed you away, I ran and I'm sorry!" Dean lets out an achingly devastating voice.

Roman tries to steady his anger, but it's like he's on a tightrope and one tilt in either direction will send him over the edge into madness.

"Look, I know we both feel badly about leaving and I'm sorry for bringing it back up. But this is just like you, Dean. You always want good things and when you finally are about to get it, you run away because you think you don't deserve them," Roman tries to placate while he bites back bitter words and swallows the bile rising in his throat.

"Stop talking like you know me, Roman. You don't know me. It's been too long, we aren't that connected anymore," Dean bites back but it's evident to both of them that he's just grasping at straws.

"And that's entirely my fault?" Roman snips back. Dean has the decency to look properly chastised, at least. "You can't just up and leave your friends for some guy who's an absolute dick. He doesn't deserve you and he doesn't love you like you should be loved, and you're just going to go off and travel half way across the bloody country with someone who isn't going to treat you right."

Dean takes a deep breath and when he speaks again his voice is softer. "He's the one for me, Roman. I deserve him, I'm not a perfect guy so I'm not expecting someone perfect to come save me. I can't just have him going off to Ohio to live while I'm here and also be in a relationship. It doesn't work very well like that and you know it."

Roman tries to force more air into his lungs because he feels really suffocated right now, which is ironic considering they are right in front of a stream with fresh air all over the place.

Dean is leaving. He's leaving him. Worse, Dean is running away.

"But…it's like you said, we just got back to a place where we can be around each other again," Roman says, trying to convince Dean to stay through the way their eyes meet and the sound of his heavy breaths puffing out into the space between them.

"I know, and it sucks. I want to stay, but I can't."

"Did you tell Seth yet? Randy, Melissa?" Roman asks because he already knows the answer.

"No.", Dean says, softly.

"Damn it, Dean!" Roman shouts, throwing his hands up in the air. "How can you not tell them? It's Seth. He will fucking follow you to the end of the earth and you haven't even had the decency to fucking tell him!"

"That's none of your business Roman! I can tell him whatever I want to, when I want to. You don't get a say in any of this!" Dean shouts back, fists balled and face red. His eyes glint in the speckles of moonlight falling onto his face through the trees. Roman still thinks he's beautiful.

"You should tell him," Roman says lowly, irritation pouring out in every movement of his jaw and flutter of his eyelids as he tries to keep back angry tears, but there's also a dash of desperation to his voice. If anyone can make Dean stay, it's Seth. "He deserves to know that you're running away. And this time I don't think he's not going with you."

"I'm not running," Dean retorts indignantly. He crosses his arms over his chest. "I'm not running."

Roman just rolls his eyes and starts walking back up the path.

"Keep telling yourself that."

Just as they reached the car, Dean says, "You need to realise we're not happening. You don't mean anything to me that way anymore." Dean wasn't sure what it was, but the tone he used didn't even sound convincing to himself. At that moment, Roman stopped dead in his tracks, put his jacket on the hood of the car, turned around and shoved Dean against the car.

Roman suddenly stepped closer to Dean until there was merely a few inches between them, he looked Dean in the eyes for a while and then softly said, "Do you know what I see in you now? The usual aura. A steady golden yellow light, healthy and strong, with spikes of red here and there. But when I do this..."

Roman rested a hand on Dean's hip, and his whole body tensed up. That hand moved around Dean's hip, slipping under his shirt to rest on the small of his back. Dean's skin burned where Roman touched him, and the places that were untouched longed for that heat.

"See?" Roman asked, "Well, I guess you can't. But when I touch you, your aura... it smoulders. The colors deepen, it burns more intensely, the red increases. Why? Why, Dean?" He used that hand on Dean to pull him closer. "Why do you react that way if I don't mean anything to you?" There was desperation in his voice, and it was legitimate.

Roman was so close to Dean. He knew he was getting under Dean's skin, and, he almost rejoiced at the fact that Dean hasn't pushed him away yet. Dean, on the other hand, was so close to breaking and caving into Roman's touch but he wasn't going to let this get to him. _No, this isn't going to happen_ , Dean tried to convince himself, _I have Daniel. Daniel. Daniel_. As if saying his name again and again would help, considering Roman's face was only a few inches away and he could feel the warmth radiating off his body. _No no no, this can't be_ , he finally gathered the courage to push Roman away. Roman didn't object, he moved as soon as Dean pushed him.

Dean didn't say anything for a while, and Roman just stood there, waiting for him to say something. Anything.

"I see how it is," Dean snapped, a moment later. "You were all in favor of me thinking on my own, for my own—but that's only okay if it's convenient for you, huh? Just like your 'loving from afar' only works if you don't have an opportunity to get your hands all over me."

Roman rarely got mad, and Dean wouldn't quite say he was now although he was close to getting really angry. But he was definitely exasperated. "Are you seriously in this much self-denial, Dean? Like do you actually believe yourself when you say you don't feel anything? Especially after what's been happening between us? Hell, this isn't even about that, my issue is that instead of facing your problems, you're running away. Don't convince yourself that it's just because you want to start a new life, no, there's more to that. You know it."

"Nothing's happening between us," Dean said automatically, ignoring everything else Roman had just said. "Physical attraction isn't the same as love. You of all people should know that. Hell, you're a pro at that."

"Ouch," Roman said. His expression hadn't changed, but Dean saw hurt in his eyes. He'd wounded him. "Is that what bothers you? My history? That I'm an expert in a field you aren't?"

"One I'm sure you'd just love to educate me in. One more person to add to your list of conquests.", Dean taunted.

Roman was speechless for a few moments and then held up one finger. "First, I don't have a list." Another finger, "Second, if I did have a list, I could find someone a hell of lot less frustrating to add to it." For the third finger, he leaned towards Dean. "And finally, I know that you know you're no conquest, so don't act like you seriously think that. You and I have been through too much together. We're too close, too connected. I wasn't that crazy on spirit when I said you're my flame in the dark. We chase away the shadows around each other. Our backgrounds don't matter. What we have is bigger than that. You know that way too well. So, don't go around digging and starting unnecessary crap to anger or repulse me because that ain't happening. I love you, and beneath all that logic, calculation, and, denial, I know you love me too. Running away and fleeing from all your problems isn't going to change that. You're just going to end up scared and confused."

"I already feel that way," Dean said quietly, after a moment of silence.

Roman moved back and leaned to the wall, looking tired. "Well, that's the most accurate thing you've said so far."

Roman grabbed his jacket from the hood and jerked open the car door. "Am I taking you to yours or Daniel's?" Roman asked, when Dean entered the car. Well, looks like their plan to grab dinner from some fancy takeaway is cancelled.

"Roman," Dean says softly, voice raw with emotion.

"Dean," he answers, voice hard and unforgiving.

"Please," Dean whispers, their arms touching as they both keep in on the center armrest. Roman feels him tremble against his arm and he's not sure whether it's from all the emotions swirling around or the night time chill setting into his bones.

"Roman", Dean says, with a pleading voice. He's not sure what he wants from Roman, but he just wants him to soy something. Anything.

Roman sighs and starts the car. There's no laughter this time and the wind rushing past his ears offers no solace from the erratic beating of his heart and the words he bites down before they can leave his lips. There isn't any laughter as they ride into the dark with only the harsh lights of the city illuminating the way.

They pull up to Dean's flat and it feels like everything's changed since they were at Roman's mere hours before. Roman didn't say anything as he stared straight ahead and waited for Dean to leave the car, whereas Dean just sat there and stared at Roman, hoping he would say something, but no luck. Without another word, Dean walked off, refusing to look back in case Roman saw the tears that had inexplicably appeared in his eyes. Only, Dean wasn't sure exactly which part of their conversation he was most upset about.

* * *

A/N - A tad bit of development in this chapter.

Let me know what you think. Review, Message, just let me know! Thanks for reading!


	14. Chapter 14

They've been on the road for almost two hours now. Three more hours to go before they reach the next town. Roman's driving with Randy, who's sitting in the passenger seat, and Alanna's in the backseat watching some cartoon on her tablet with her earphones plugged in. There's some light music playing through the radio which is helping Roman from not falling asleep and his mind running a hundred miles an hour is pretty helpful too.

"Stop it.", Randy says, all of sudden, interrupting Roman's train of thought.

"What?" Roman glances at him with a confused look.

"Whatever you're over-thinking about, stop it. You're brooding."

"How did –",

"I know you well enough to know what's going on in your head. Plus, it's not that difficult to understand when we've been in this car forever and you haven't said a word to me yet." Randy answered, as a matter of fact.

Roman took a deep breath, "I'm sorry, I just have a lot going on in my head."

After almost a minute of silence, "It doesn't have to be this way, you know. How long are you going to pine over him? Do you see him doing that? He's moved on. You should try doing the same." Randy suggested, his voice sincere.

"You don't understand, it's not that easy." he snapped "I lost him. I lost all of him. I lost all of it to some guy he claims he loves. Why is he moving on so quickly and it's taking me so long?". Roman's voice started strong but faltered as he posed that question.

"I do understand, but you don't. He moved on because he cared about and prioritized himself and his sanity, whereas you aren't able to move on because you care about him and not yourself. He did what's best for him, but you're not even thinking about yourself. I hate to break it to you, but it's okay if you want to be a little selfish once in a while. It's for your own good."

"I don't know, Randy. I feel like I haven't done enough, that I'm giving up too soon."

"You don't know how much it sucks for me and all the people who care about you to see you like this. You need to know that.", Randy said, his tone reassuring. "You're spending months clinging onto something that is not even there anymore. Maybe because you are blinded by a string of hope that maybe—just maybe—things could go back to the way they were before. But the world doesn't always work like that, Ro. At some point, you have to toughen yourself up and cut that string of hope because that string is what ties you up to nothing but pain."

Roman doesn't say anything in return for a while and he just processes what Randy told him. The more he thought about it, the more he understood where Randy was coming from. Maybe it is time to actually cut that final string. Of course, it isn't going to happen in a day but hey, every step counts, right?

"What if I move on, and he decides to come back?"

Randy sighed in response, because hearing Roman ask that was a clear enough signal that Roman is still clawing and trying to hold on to something that doesn't even exist.

"Look, I'm not saying I know for sure that Dean will never come back but what I'm saying is; you can't sit here and wait forever. You need to start living your life, if he comes back, good, if he doesn't, it's fine, and maybe that's for the best. You deserve better than this. You've done all you can."

"I really don't know, I mean I want to move on, Randy, I really do but just as I decide to do so, I keep thinking about what will happen if he comes back? I don't want him to be too late."

"Ok, fine. You don't want him to be too late, great. But how long are you going to wait for him? One month? Another six months? A year? Two years? Maybe ten?"

Roman kept quiet as he turned to glance at the man sitting next to him in the darkness who is now looking at him with kind eyes. And Roman wants to believe him, he wants to listen to him, but he just isn't there yet so he turns his head away and focuses on the road.

"Roman, when things break, it's not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together again. It's because a little piece gets lost - the two remaining ends couldn't fit together even if they wanted to. The whole shape has changed. So, even if he comes back, how do you know it's going to the same?"

And that hits Roman, what was he even fighting for anymore? The Dean he fell in love with isn't the Dean he knows now. That was a carefree and brave Dean that Roman fell for but the Dean he knows now isn't even strong enough to hold his own ground. So, was Roman even fighting for the right person?

"Randy, trust me, I can't wait for the day when I can say, I'm over him and actually mean it. Today is not that day but one day it will be. That's what keeps me from falling apart."

"You say you are trying but the next moment, you're at his mercy.", Randy knew that was harsh but it was time someone gave Roman this talk again, "My point is that you can wait forever for something to happen, but the thing is, you shouldn't. In a way, you're making him take you for granted. He knows you're going to be here and pine over him for as long as it takes and maybe that's why he's not even considering you anymore. Give him some space, spend some time away from him, let him feel your absence, focus on yourself and on your happiness."

"I can't even begin to explain what it's like. He was everything. He was it for me. And I thought that maybe in this fucking world of strangers I had found the guy who felt the same. I wish I knew when the right time to actually stop caring is." Roman finally said, voice almost inaudible.

"Did you ever give him an ultimatum of some kind?", Randy asked, after giving what Roman said a thought.

"I wrote him a letter the night I left his house around five months ago and I mentioned that he could come and find me if he ever changed his mind and that I'll wait for him as long as I could and hope that he shows up before it's too late," Roman said, "but I never heard from him again regarding that nor did he ever acknowledge the existence of the letter."

"What do you mean?", he was confused.

"He met me a few days later and I expected him to say something about it but he pretended like that letter never even happened which means that he probably didn't change his mind and just wanted things to go back to normal, you know, back to being friends.", Roman said, pulling up the car near a gas station.

"So you see, sometimes you offer people choices hoping that they'll choose you. Sometimes you offer them choices knowing that they never will. If he doesn't care enough, why should you?"

"I want to get away from all of this, Randy. This is driving me insane. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I guess in the end what really kills me is the part of me that knows that it could have worked out. I need to escape this." Roman said, dropping his head on the steering wheel.

"Let me take you out.", Randy piped out, after a few minutes of silence.

"What?", Roman asks, lifting his head to look at Randy, who's now looking at him with a smile on his face.

"Let me take you out. You know, wine and dine you." Randy answered, trying to maintain a fine line between sounding casual and sincere.

"Fuck off, Orton.", Roman answered, almost a reflex. This has got to be a joke, right?

"Come on, I'm not kidding." Randy said, slightly turning his torso so as to face Roman, "It doesn't have to be romantic, it can be totally platonic. It will take your mind off things and if you like it, great and if you don't, well, then it won't really change anything. Someone's gotta do this, otherwise you'll be in the Dean zone forever."

Wait, Randy sounds pretty serious. Roman thought this was a rib but sensing Randy's tone, he's fairly certain, it isn't. His instinct was to say no, but then he considered the pros and cons of the situation and honestly, what could go wrong?

"Totally platonic?", Roman asks, a bit curious about the proposal.

"Yes.", Randy smiled, thanking his stars that he was able to break Roman's resolve, not completely but just a tad, "Look, man, I'm totally in if it's going to help you. If you get into it, we'll call it a date. If not, it's just two buddies hanging out."

"So, you're asking me out?" Roman asked, trying his best to figure out what's actually happening.

"Oh God, you are complicated.", Randy laughed, "In a way, yes. You're not too shabby, so I don't mind treating you."

"I don't know about this, Ran. It'll make things weird between us the same way it did with Dean and me so I -"

"Wait, wait, wait, just so we're clear, I'm not offering a 'friends with benefits' type of relationship here. I'm legit asking you out, whatever happens after the date is your call. I just want to see how this goes. I don't want to see you sit and sulk over him forever."

Roman shifted in his seat and fiddled with his finger but is stopped when a warm hand surrounds his. He looks up to meet Randy's eyes and finds a look of comfort and familiarity which Roman has experienced none of lately.

"Ro, there's no way it's going to end badly. We'll have a good time, I promise you that." Randy finally said, sensing Roman's silence; hand still on top on his'. "I'm not asking for a relationship here, that's a long way down the road, we don't have to think about it now. I'm simply offering to help, it may come off as if I'm trying to be your rebound but it isn't. We'll see how things go."

"Is this a good idea?" Roman started, voice soft, "I mean, you have Alanna and-"

"I'm taking you out for dinner, Roman, I'm not asking you to marry me so I'm sure this isn't that bad of an idea. I'm simply trying to take you out so you can have a good time which you really need. Oh, and secondly, if Alanna ever found out that you and I are dating, she'd be the happiest person in the planet.", Randy chuckled, as they both turned to look at the little girl in the backseat, who managed to fall asleep somewhere along the way.

Roman smiled at that as he tried to convince himself that this wasn't a bad idea after all. There wasn't much that could really go wrong. It's just dinner with a friend after all. It isn't like he has anything to lose, what could possibly go wrong anyway? Admittedly, this was a third beer kind of situation. Like, Randy was the third beer. Not the first one, which the throat receives with almost tearful gratitude; nor the second, that confirms and extends the pleasure of the first. But the third, the one you drink because it's there, because it can't hurt, and because what difference does it make?

"You know what? I'm in.", Roman chimed, much to Randy's delight, "But you'll have to be prepared in case I start brooding."

"Trust me, that ain't happening when you're out with me.", Randy said, looking smug.

Roman inspected his face for a second, and with a smile, said "I'll take your word for it then."

* * *

Tonight's the night that everything's going to change. Roman can feel it in his bones, can feel it in the way the night air presses against his black shirt and penetrates his skin, can feel it in the way Dean keeps watching him out of the corner of his eye.

After Dean's confession, Roman had whined to Randy about it for a few hours and Randy had told him he needed to up his game and do whatever the hell he thought and felt was right. Wise words.

It's their last night in California before they're back on the road so they decided to spend it together, and Roman's skin is itching with a need to do something. He's not exactly sure what it is he needs to do, but he knows it's probably going to be detrimental to everyone.

They're sitting in Dean's flat, music tinkling over the speakers in his stereo, and having a couple drinks before going out. It's an easy atmosphere, all the people are laughing and playing around with each other, except Roman can't stop the tingling in his skin and the need to blurt out everything he's ever known.

Dean and Randy are talking when Dean bursts out laughing, beer clutched tight between his fingers and cheeks flushed. Seth and Melissa are cuddling on the couch but laughing quietly at Dean's antics and Roman can't hold it in anymore. Everything's too calm and he knows Seth and Melissa don't know. They're too calm to be possessing the knowledge that Dean is about to run away.

"Dean," Roman says suddenly and all eyes snap to him. He's been quiet tonight and everyone's been shooting him looks. Dean's looks have been more warning than concerned and Roman wants to punch him and kiss him and never let him go. "Have you started packing for Ohio? You're moving out in a few weeks, right? How did these guys feel when you told them you're moving to the other side of the country? I'd like to know."

The laughter dies and everything stills. He watches as Seth's jaw drops, he can even here the snick of his bones jarring apart, before Seth turns to look at Dean with wide, hurt eyes that beg for it not to be true. Melissa looks like a confused puppy but there's definitely a pained expression simmering under the surface of her confusion. Randy, having already known all this, is just looking at Roman like he's an idiot for bringing this up right now and in this way.

Dean's face takes the cake.

There's utter betrayal brewing in his baby blues, and his fists are clenched by his side. He's staring at Roman, gaze stony and jaw set. But what's weird is that there also seems to be a small exhalation of relief, like he's had some gigantic weight lifted from his shoulder, because his shoulders drop slightly. Even if he's pissed, he also seems grateful but also betrayed and Roman's not sure what to do with that.

Seth moves first. He gets up and snatches his cigarettes from the table before storming out onto the terrace. He walks with a purpose and every inch of his skin is screaming with anger. His shoulders are ram-rod straight and his biceps are bulging from the way his arms are held at his sides as if he's telling himself not to punch something. Seth's never one to get angry, but he's proper pissed off and he's going to deal with it like he always does in these situations. He smokes and broods and mulls over his words to figure out which will cut deepest.

Melissa watches him go before she turns to Dean.

"Deano?" she asks, voice clipped and demeaning, like chastising a child.

Dean just puts his face in his hands for a few moments before standing up and following Seth out. There's muted yelling almost immediately and the three of them watch as Seth and Dean's arms flail as Dean takes a step back and straightens his shoulders in indignation and Seth unleashes a stream of words that cause Dean to look down at the ground despite his attempt to make his posture bold. Roman's chest tightens and he makes a conscious effort not to get up and go stand in front of Dean to protect him from the way Seth's backing him against a corner.

Roman vividly remembers ten years' ago the day Seth got suspended from work back when they had merely started training and were a bunch of twenty year olds. Some older guys were constantly picking on him and he had his head down, staring at the table in front of him, fingernails drawing invisible pictures on the countertop. He looked like he was concentrating on the movements of his hands and not on what the men were saying, which had egged them on even more. When Dean and Roman began training and messing up spots, this caught the guys' attentions because they started to throw slurs at the two of them. It wasn't the bullying about himself that had set him off, but the fact that someone he loved was being tormented. Seth calmly moved from his position and his fist clenched before cutting an upper hook into one of the guys' jaws. He then launched himself at the other man, heavy set with fearful eyes as he tried to escape Seth's attack, and Seth let out a low growl and punched the man square in the nose.

He'd been suspended for three weeks and his family had been furious. Dean and Roman were rarely picked on again.

Roman knows for a fact that Seth will never hurt Dean, but watching Dean shrink away from Seth's angry words has every fibre in Roman's body screaming at him to get up and protect what he holds most dear. It's only Melissa's words that keep him seated.

"They just need to blow off steam, it'll be fine," Melissa says softly, eyes on Roman. "We'll get through this."

Roman's not sure they will, what with Dean running off across the span of the country, but he tries to smile at Melissa. Melissa's watching Seth's movements, tracking the way his arms raise and his body folds over on itself as he yells, but she doesn't seem worried. Roman settles back into the couch and Randy hands him another beer.

"Way to bring that up, Ro. Great timing," Randy says pointedly before taking a sip of his beer.

Roman just grunts and takes a swig of his own drink.

"I'm glad you said something," Melissa tells him, staring down at her own bottle and peeling at the label. Her eyebrows are pulled together and she licks across his lips before speaking again. "Dean wouldn't have said anything until maybe a week before he left. It's weird because lately he doesn't like to tell us important things like this. It's like he's scared to cause too much conflict because he's scared we'll just abandon him or something."

Roman nods because he knows this better than anyone.

"It's hard for him to trust people now," Melissa continues. She looks up and meets Roman's eyes with a steadiness that Roman thinks he can relate to and he's glad that Dean has had someone steady like her and Seth in his life while Roman hasn't been around. "And I think he's with Daniel for all the wrong reasons."

The statement lies out in the open, flayed and presented for everyone to inspect under a microscope. Randy looks up at her, hoping she justifies what she just said.

"What?" Roman asks, voice wavering, eyes carefully trained on Melissa's face. "You just defended Daniel a few weeks ago right when you were talking to me. Saying how he's not perfect but Dean likes him so I should respect that. And now you're contradicting yourself? Honestly, do you even think they should be together? Count me out of the picture, just be honest."

Melissa sighs, long and heavy, and runs her hands over her face like she hasn't slept in years. Randy nudges Roman's knee like he's giving support and Roman had almost forgotten he was there but now appreciates the warm pressure of his body next to him and the sharp smell of his cologne mixed with the heady smell of Guinness.

"I don't," Melissa starts. It takes a second for her to gather her thoughts and Roman waits patiently. "I think he's settling. I mean, he's only ever dated Daniel since you two broke things off. Before Daniel, there were countless nameless guys that he dated for maybe a few days at a time, as if he was trying to fill a void. Seth mentioned about what you two had going on and told me a little about why Dean was doing what he was, so when he started to steadily date Daniel, I thought Daniel could fix that void. And I was convinced he had for a long time. Until…well, until you showed up. And lately Dean's whole face lights up like I've never seen it and he just seems so whole and complete when you're around. Sure, he's happy when he's with Daniel, but I don't see that spark. But I guess that's just me, I don't know what he's feeling."

Melissa takes a deep breath as she taps her fingers against her jeans. Roman knows more is coming so he stays silent and tries to pull the reins on his racing heart.

"Now I realize that Daniel was just another filler, a piece of a puzzle that doesn't actually fit to Dean's piece, but he's trying so hard to make them fit and we all know it's not actually going to work. I think you scare him, Roman. Because you are what he wants and what he needs, but he's scared to have you again. And I think you need him as much as he needs you, but I don't know how to get him to admit that to himself. It's his choice at the end of the day."

Before Roman can say anything back, the glass door is sliding open and Seth and Dean are walking inside. Seth sits down next to Melissa and gives Roman a look that he can't decipher.

Dean clears his throat and stands in front of them. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you guys I was leaving. Roman only knows because I accidentally let it slip a couple weeks ago and he's been telling me I need to tell you guys about the move on my own." He looks down at his nails and shifts his weight awkwardly before looking up at Melissa. "I guess I was just scared of how you would react and I didn't want to hurt you guys."

"You have to stop keeping things to yourself. You have to trust us," Melissa says urgently. "You can't just leave without saying anything."

"I know," Dean mumbles. "I just wanted tonight to be fun and I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't want this night to be overshadowed by the fact that I'm leaving in a few weeks. Guess that's out of the bag, thanks a lot, Roman."

"Roman did nothing wrong," Seth snaps before taking a deep breath. He smells strongly of smoke, must have had time to light up before Dean ran out to him, and Roman relishes in the smell and the familiarity of Seth's voice. "You should have told us and I'm still pissed you weren't even going to say anything. Don't tell me you were because you weren't." Seth says pointedly. "But it is what it is and you're just going to leave us anyway, because it's what you're best at now, so how about we just try to push this aside and make this night fun."

Dean lets out a breath and nods. He glances over at Roman and he doesn't look pissed off anymore. There's something else brewing, but Roman doesn't even have the energy to guess what it is right now.

"Let's go get smashed like we planned," Randy says, the first thing he's said since the whole fight started. "It's our last night home, after all!" He's watching them all with careful eyes but he's got a bright smile on his face and his smile is contagious.

"Let's go!" Roman shouts enthusiastically and pumps a fist into the air.

The other people nod and agree and the tension slowly dissipates. Melissa gets up first and wraps Dean in her arms tightly, squeezing until Dean tells her off for suffocating him. Seth gives him a hug afterwards and whispers something into his ear before going to grab a jacket from the closet. Dean follows him into the hallway and Melissa comes up to stand next to Roman as they head out.

"I think you should fight for him," Melissa whispers lowly so no one else can hear.

Roman's just not sure if he wants to anymore.

* * *

Roman can't remember the last time he spent the better half of a day without thinking about Dean, and much to his plan of moving on, today was certainly one of those days. Just thinking about that makes him feel a sense of accomplishment. In conclusion, date night with Randy wasn't a bad idea after all. It served its purpose of helping Roman take his mind off Dean, plus, they both had a great time. Not as awkward as he honestly thought it was going to be. The night consisted of dinner along with a fair share of banter and some harmless flirting where they both made some unusual discoveries about each other. Randy did mention keeping things platonic but seeing that Roman didn't really mind the flirting, he decided it would be worth a try to take the romantic route. Not entirely, just by a little bit.

"So, thanks for the ride and the great night. It was fun." Roman said, as Randy pulled into the parking lot.

Randy turned to smile at him, and stretched his arm as he fixed Roman's collar and then left his hand around his neck and swiped a thumb on the exposed skin right above the collar as he felt Roman shudder under the touch, "Well, you're welcome. I'm glad you had a good time. We should do this again sometime."

"A second date already? Interesting.", Roman pretended to consider it.

"Aha, so you do think this was a date." Randy smiled smugly.

"Wait, no, I didn't mean that... I was just joking…" Roman tried to recover but by looking at the way Randy was chuckling and shaking his head, Roman knew he was having none of it, "Fuck, I give up."

Randy decided to save him the embarrassment and not push the subject. He leaned in closer to Roman, "So, are you thankful you took my word for it?"

"I am", Roman answered; voice low as their faces were just inches apart.

"Good" Randy murmured, as he leaned in closer to Roman, using the hand he has behind Roman's neck to pull him in closer until he could feel Roman's breath on his skin. Roman knew he didn't want to kiss Randy, it had nothing to do with their night, it was simply the fact that he only kisses people he's in love with but before he even had the chance to mention that to Randy, the hand on the back of his neck was pulling him closer and before he even realized it, Randy moved his head to side and left a small kiss on the corner of Roman's lips. Without another word, he took his keys, got out of the car and walked all the way around to the passenger side to open the door for Roman, who looked somewhat confused by that almost kiss. Randy just shot a smug smile to Roman as he held the door open for him. Roman shook his head as he got out of the car and walked along Randy to the hotel.

"Too bad for you, I don't kiss on the first date.", Randy whispered in his ear as they got in the elevator, which sent another involuntary shudder through Roman's body.

Roman just looked up at Randy to find a shit-eating grin on his face, and muttered a "you asshole" under his breath which made Randy laugh out loud.

As they reached their floor and walked back to their respective hotel rooms, Roman starts thinking about how different the night was as compared to any other night he's spent in the past year. He never realized how much he fucking ached for the familiarity from someone which he felt with Randy today, for the way he was comfortable and how normal it felt to be with him. He didn't realize it but he looked for it in everyone, and it kept him up at night that he may never find anyone that can make him feel like the way Dean did. Sure, it's not the same or even on that level, but it's just the beginning, right? Now he can't stop thinking about the way Randy's presence calmed him tonight and the way his touch still lingered on his skin even after he's gone.

Then when he hits the bed later in the night, he can't help but wonder; _h_ _e's a fun distraction. He's handsome, fun, extremely intelligent, and has sex appeal. He makes me laugh and makes me want to rethink everything. We have a connection with every conversation since we have met. I can see myself kissing him. There's a potential for more, but I don't want to rush anything. He takes my mind off my already shattered heart. I immediately forget what has happened, even if it's just for a moment. He gives me a breath of fresh air. He will do. Maybe he could be someone that stays._

* * *

A/N - This and the next chapter (to be uploaded tomorrow) were supposed to be one but then it turned out to be too long so I decided to split it, so, bear with me if you find this chapter uneventful.

But finally some change!

Message, Review, wherever, just let me know what you think! Thanks for reading!


	15. Chapter 15

Almost two weeks to go before Dean finally moves to Ohio and for the last three days, he's tried to get a head start in packing his belongings but he just can't manage to find the motivation to do so. Whenever Daniel tells him to at least start packing a bag or two, Dean suddenly feels overwhelmed and just can't get himself to do it. Maybe it's the whole thing about leaving his own house and moving somewhere he hasn't been to since his childhood. Maybe it's something else. He doesn't allow himself to linger on that something else for too long and guesses it's just the nerves about leaving his life here.

Dean's thoughts are interrupted when Seth walks in, knocking once at the door to announce his presence, and comes to stand behind Dean, who's standing in front of a mirror. It's been three weeks since the night Roman told everyone that Dean's leaving and since then the both of them haven't spoken to each other about this, it's weird that Seth hasn't said anything against the move yet. This is all a bit too confusing for Dean because well, he thought Seth would, you know, tell him to stay or at least talk about it. But, nada. Nothing

It's like Seth's presence has soothed Dean without him even laying a hand on him. Seth looks slowly around the room, eyeing the furniture and the painting on the wall realising it's not going to remain here for long. He glances over at the empty boxes on the floor. He brushes his fingers over Dean's shoulders and then glances at him.

"You're really going through with this, huh?," Seth asks slowly, watching the stranger in the mirror like he doesn't recognise him.

"Don't, Seth. Please, just don't," Dean says, voice tired.

"No, listen to me. You're rushing into this. Trust me, he is not endgame. You deserve someone better."

 _Not this again_ , Dean thinks.

"What do you want me to do? Go back to Roman? I don't know what I'm doing but I can't go back to him, he probably hates me. He has every right to hate me. I have to do this. I deserve this."

Seth shakes his head quickly and tugs on Dean's shoulders until they're facing each other.

"Don't you ever fucking say that you deserve this. You do not deserve to be unhappy, Dean. I know you think you're doing the right thing but you're bloody not." It's the first time that Seth's said how opposed to this Ohio move he is. It is literally two weeks before the move. Great timing, that. "If you go through with this, I'm not running after you this time. I'm staying here with Melissa and Roman. I will always love you, Dean, but I can't sit here and watch you be unhappy at your own doing. Or watch you waste your life away being a sodding idiot."

Dean looks down at the floor, not able to look Seth in the eye. There's a scratch in the wooden slat that his right foot is standing on. He wonders how it got there. It's easier to focus on mundane details than the screaming of his heart and the words coming from Seth's mouth.

"Dean, for fucks sake. Don't do it. I know you don't think you deserve Roman, but you do. He loves you so much and I know you love him. Just do yourself a favour and let yourself believe this can work between you guys." Seth pleads. He runs a hand through his hair and messes it up. "He's not going to wait for you forever, so make your move before it's too late otherwise you'll regret it for the rest of your life."

No, no, no. This is not what Dean wants to hear.

"I feel like a disappointment, Seth. I feel like I'm doing wrong to so many people just for my sake and it's messing with my head," Dean reasons, fiddling with the button of his jacket and watching Seth shake his head again.

"Fuck them, Dean. Fuck them. Fuck all of us. You don't owe us anything. You owe it to yourself to be happy. Stop finding excuses, and just be with someone who loves you and you know will treat you right. It's not only about Roman anymore; it's about you finding someone who'll make you happy. I personally don't think Daniel fits that part."

"Why?", It was all Dean could manage to muster together; although it wasn't much, Seth understood what the question held.

"Because you both want different things in life.", Seth simply stated. "He's a good guy, but he's not for you. You're not for him either."

Dean shakes his head back at Seth and glances at the stranger in the mirror. He looks as sad and lost as Dean feels.

"People can work through differences, Seth. It happens." Dean tried to convince Seth.

"Do you believe he truly loves you?" Seth asked, ignoring what Dean just said. "That this is it?"

"I think that's a question for him to answer." Dean replied, unsure of what he should've answered with.

Seth took a step back and sat down on the bed then replied.

"Dean, if you have to speculate if someone loves you and wants to be with you, chances are they don't. It's not that complicated. Love, in most cases, betrays the one feeling it. Don't waste moments waiting and wondering. If you can't feel it, it doesn't exist."

There's another knock on the door and Dean looks up to see Melissa, all soft curves and loving smile, standing at the door.

"Can I have you for a minute, Seth?" she asks.

Seth nods and then comes closer to Dean to whisper in his ears. "If you really want to start this new life, just make sure Daniel loves you for the right reasons and that what you two have is real. Don't make the mistake I made."

He steps away and gives Dean one last look before leaving. When the door clicks shut behind him, Dean lets out a breath he hadn't even known he'd been holding.

* * *

Dean is sitting in Daniel's bed, plush comforter covering his bare legs, as he stares unseeingly at the wall in front of him.

"Baby…" Daniel starts but then lets out a long sigh. "Dean, say something."

Dean looks back at him, blinks a few times and shakes his head to clear it. Daniel's biting his lip and Dean reaches out to pull his lip from between his teeth so there won't be teeth marks later.

This can't be happening.

Dean watches Daniel, watches how his chest rises and falls, how his muscles are tensed, bare and exposed because he hadn't thought to put a shirt on when rolling out of bed to take the call. He's got a fading lovebite on his neck from a few nights ago when they'd gone out and partied and Dean had pulled him into the bathroom like a stupid teenager to make out. Daniel's hair is still mussed from sleep, but his eyes are alert and worried.

"Baby-"

"Why do you love me?"

Out of all the words being linked together in almost incoherent sentences inside of his fucked up head, that's the thing to come out of his mouth? Really? Dean needs to get a hold of himself.

"What?" Daniel asks incredulously. He's staring at Dean now, wide eyes and a slightly hurt and surprised expression on his face.

"Why do you love me?" Dean repeats. "What is it about me that made you feel like I'm the one you wanted to move out to Ohio with?"

Dean shifts in bed and pulls the comforter up to his bare chest to cover himself, suddenly feeling vulnerable. His muscles are tired and he just wants to go back to sleep, but it's nearing one in the afternoon, so he really should be getting up as it is.

They'd gotten in late last night after one of Daniel's business functions. It'd been a black tie affair, Dean had found it uppity and not something he wished to ever attend again, but Daniel had smiled at all the right people and was ever the charmer. When they got home, Daniel drew them a bath and they'd both sunk into the warm water and let the long evening melt off of their skin. Dean had initiated the first kiss and before he knew it Daniel was spreading him out, marking him up, and slipping into him.

Sex with Daniel is actually pretty good. It's not amazing, but it gets the job done and scratches the itch. It's not very adventurous but Dean doesn't complain and while he wouldn't mind some spice, the sex isn't bad.

It's just lately, ever after Seth's visit last week, he's been picturing grey eyes behind his closed eyes and the feeling of soft smooth skin. He's been reminiscing about using an authoritative voice and watching those grey eyes cloud and feel the body beneath him sink and relax before slowly coming back up and those pretty grey eyes watching him so trustingly it hurt.

If those thoughts and memories start to creep in during sex with Daniel, then Dean can't really help it.

Daniel's still staring at him like he's grown an extra head and Dean is still waiting for an answer.

"Well?" Dean prompts, a little hysterically.

"I, uh," Daniel stammers. "I love you because you're a good person and you make me laugh. And we're compatible, we've known each other for the longest of times, and I think we make a good couple. You're gorgeous but there's more than a pretty face. You're smart and sweet and I just…I love you. I don't know. I can't really find a way to describe it. We've been together for a while, known each other forever so it seemed like a logical step."

Somehow his confession falls a hell of a lot shorter than Dean was expecting.

Dean sighs. "And you want me to move halfway around the country with you for your job, a job that makes you work longer hours and requires even more work to be done at home, and that's the description you give me of our undying love that can cross oceans?" Dean snarks. He shakes his head and lets his eyes fall to the comforter. It's soft under his hands and Dean pinches the top part to feel the soft cotton in between the covering.

"Well, I mean we're doing well and this is a job of a lifetime. It'll pay double what I'm making now and we'll get to start our lives somewhere new," Daniel reasons.

Dean wishes Daniel would comfort him or something. I mean this isn't devastating news, great news in the world of business that someone so young got promoted to CEO, but at the same time it's earth shattering because Dean is being asked to move across to a new state for someone else's benefit.

Isn't that what people in love are supposed to do, though? Move heaven and earth and go however long the distance is to be together? All of this is making his head hurt and he's only been up for half an hour.

Dean's phone beeps on the night stand and he sees he's got a text from Seth.

 _Can you pick up the invites for me, please? Checking out venues right now, so I'll come by yours later tonight to pick them up._

Dean sighs and puts his phone back down on the table.

"Look, I need to process all of this and we'll discuss it more later," Dean says as he gets out of bed. He stretches and relishes in the pull of his sore muscles.

"Where are you going?" Daniel questions as he stands up from the bed. At least he put on some pants to answer that damned phone call.

"I don't know, I need to get out of here for a while," Dean mumbles as he reaches for his discarded clothes and pulls on his dress shirt from last night. It's wrinkled and smells of expensive cologne and champagne.

"A while?"

"I don't know, Daniel. An hour, maybe a day. I need some time to think about what I want."

"Can you come back over tonight so we can talk?" Daniel asks, after a moment of silence, a hint of sadness in his voice.

"Probably not." Dean answers, almost as a reflex. Then quickly dresses in the rest of his clothes from last night and heads out the door.

It feels an awful lot like leaving after a one night stand. Dean kills that thought as he gets in his car.

* * *

One hour and many tears later, Dean arrives at Roman's home. It's been almost a year since he came to this house, the shutters are still forest green and Roman's still got pink flowers growing in his garden out front. The house looks dark save for the flash of the telly screen through the curtains on the main floor. Dean is so scared, he's shaking. He's not sure why he's here, he just knows he wants to see Roman and talk to him. Ever since Seth made Dean question his decisions and choices, he's been confused about everything.

Dean stands outside the door for a long time, fist held in the air ready to knock but unable to do so. He can hear voices on the other side of the door, listens as a laugh track plays from the television, and wishes he could have the courage to go inside.

Dean takes a deep breath and knocks lightly on the door. He's not sure if it's loud enough to be heard from inside, but he hopes he won't have to spend another hour working up the courage to knock again.

The door opens and Randy's standing in the doorway. A very shirtless Randy, he noticed. Dean's surprised, to say the least. He hasn't seen him in a few days, Dean knows that Randy's been Roman's second saviour, who picked him up when he was down, and he really shouldn't be surprised to see Randy standing there but seeing him like this made Dean feel a certain kind of way and he also felt like he couldn't breathe.

"Dean, hey. What's up?," Randy greets him with a warm smile. He doesn't move aside to let Dean in and his eyes are wary. "What are you doing here?"

Dean felt like directing the same question at Randy. It's like he's chastising him for showing up late on a school night when he knows that he has a strict curfew. Dean suddenly feels like he's nineteen again and wants to cry even more than before.

"Is Roman here?" he finally manages to ask. He has to clear his throat a few times before the words make their way out.

"He is," he says but stays put, blocking Dean's view of the inside.

"May I see him? I really need to see him, Randy." Dean pleads, eyes wide and lips pouted out slightly. "I know he probably doesn't want me around, but I promise it's going to be different. I really need to talk to him."

Randy considers him for a few moments, eyes carefully scanning over his face like he's trying to decide if he can be trusted.

"I don't know if he's going to want to see you." he tells him eventually. He turns back from the door but doesn't call out.

Dean realizes that Roman's probably in the hallway somewhere a bit behind Randy. There's a few beats of silence before he turns back to Dean and sighs.

"I'm sorry, man. He's not up to visitors tonight. Maybe tomorrow?" he says with a warm, knowing look in his eye. Dean's really not sure what to feel towards Randy right now. Jealousy? Because that's his instinct. Gratitude? Because Randy's being really nice to him. "You know how he gets sometimes."

Dean hears a deep grunt from the other side of the door and just wants to push the door open and see his beautiful boy. Well, Roman's not his boy, but the urge still remains. He just wants to look at him and make sure that he's ok with his own eyes.

"Alright," Dean relents, scuffing his polished dress shoes against the sidewalk. He then hears the noise of footsteps fade away. He guesses it's probably Roman heading back in the room.

"You look nice but a touch rough," Randy comments after he turns back to check whether Roman's still there or not and then reaches out to give Dean a side hug. "Big day, tough day?"

Dean's suddenly very aware that he's still wearing the wrinkled tux minus the jacket that he wore to the party the night before. He really just wants to bash his head against the wall and then grovel on the floor for Roman to see him.

"The latter. Some fancy dinner party last night with Daniel's company then crashed at his place, left in the afternoon and now here I am." Dean answers and gives him a small smile.

"It took you half a day to get here? Where does Daniel even live?" Randy humours him.

Dean smiles at Randy's effort at trying to make the situation a little less tense, then shakes his head and lets out a long sigh. His back hurts from driving so much and he just wants to sleep, preferably with Roman's arms around him.

"Nah, didn't feel right so I drove around for a bit plus I had to pick up the invites for the wedding. Barely had the time to go home to change. Somehow I ended up here rather than my own house." Dean tries to joke. It falls flat but Randy's polite enough to smile.

"I see," he says with that same knowing tone he used to use when he understood everything Dean couldn't put into words.

"Please, Randy. I really need to talk to him." There's an edge of hysteria in his voice and Dean swallows down all the words he wants to say. This needs to be face to face.

Randy turns back to look inside, not finding Roman standing there anymore. "Ro?", Randy calls out, Dean doesn't hear any response but hears footsteps coming his way and stop after a bit. Randy then makes a motion with his hand, his body swaying a little. He lets out a grunt of disapproval before turning back to Dean.

"Another night, yeah? He's just being stubborn."

Dean knows it's more than that. He knows he's hurt Roman, maybe even beyond repair. He's not sure why Randy is even standing there talking to him. He should tell him to leave because Dean is definitely a terrible person.

"Well, I'll stop embarrassing myself," Dean tells him as he turns to leave. "Tell him I came to see him in case he doesn't know."

"I will. Have a good night and look after yourself, yeah?"

Dean nods, reluctantly walks back, starts his car, and drives off. He glances into the rearview mirror but Roman's not standing at the front porch watching him leave anymore.

 _Everyone speaks the words that the human body can stand a large amount of pain while the only thing getting in the way is the brain. But I swear to God, when I saw Randy at his doorstep in that condition and knowing that Roman had voluntarily decided not to come to answer the door, it was so much more than my body could handle. And it wasn't just my brain getting in the way because I could physically feel my heart break in more ways than one and the feeling that maybe, maybe this time I was too late was finally dawning on me. I know now what people mean by saying they are heartbroken. Because these dimples of mine can only be visible for so long and these eyes of mine cannot always be so dry and these knees of mine cannot always be so steady._

* * *

Somehow Dean managed to get back to Daniel's house to talk although he said he wouldn't be going back there again today but courtesy of Daniel's persistent calls and texts, Dean is now here sitting on the foot of the same bed they fought on this earlier in the day.

"What happened to us, Dean?" Daniel sits down and turns to Dean properly. "I thought when I asked you to move with me that you loved me, that you were confident in us."

"I did….I do. I did." Dean stutters.

"Then what happened?" Daniel asks imploringly. His eyes search his face as Dean sits there silently because he really doesn't have a nice and neat answer for that question. "Are you still in love with him?"

Dean starts and shrinks away from Daniel defensively. A name wasn't even mentioned but they were both more than aware of who this was about. And after a long time, Dean didn't let out a 'no' immediately but he took his time to actually consider this possibility.

"What?" Dean asked, wanting to be sure he head Daniel right.

"You still love him, don't you?" he asked, running his fingers through his hair. "You never got over him."

"What makes you say that?" Dean's furrowed brows, the gleam in his eyes, the sorrow in his voice; it all gave him away too easily. He sighed and closed his eyes, as if he could unsee this moment, unhear its words, unlive its memory.

"Everything you do. And everything you don't do. Like, how you absolutely hate karaoke now. How you don't like hugging me when I wear anything that smells musky. How you don't look me in the eyes when you tell me and yourself that you love me. How you don't like it when my hair is in a bun because it reminds you of him." Daniel could have gone on and on, knowing Dean would never deny it but secretly hoped he would. Dean, in the other hand, did nothing to defend himself because he never really realised that Daniel was aware of this. Hell, sometimes Dean himself wasn't even aware of this. Daniel waited for Dean to say something, anything. But much to his dismay, nothing was said. So, he continued.

"And it sucks, you know? To be alone in this relationship? To think, I'm lucky he doesn't try to turn me into him? To want just the minimum, but still feeling like it's too much to ask? To love someone who can possibly never love me back as much as he loved the other guy?" Daniel didn't cry, although his voice was breaking. He couldn't cry anymore.

"I'm sorry," Dean choked out. It was hard for him, Daniel knew that, but that didn't make it easier for either of them.

"So, are you in love with Roman?" Daniel asks, one last time, staring right at him.

"Yes," Dean says without giving himself permission to. Daniel looks like he's been slapped, but he doesn't look all that surprised either. Admitting it makes Dean feel lighter and he has to force down his bubbling excitement at the fact that he finally admitted it out loud where someone could hear him. Daniel stands up from his chair looking red in the face and ready to scream.

"Are you two still...?" Daniel didn't finish the question but Dean understood what he meant.

"Oh, no. Nothing is happening. It's not what you think. Hell, he barely talks to me anymore." Dean says, standing up as well. Then he adds, "I guess the feelings just never really went away."

Daniel nods and mulls over that information for a few minutes. Dean rubs his sweaty hands over his pants and tries to calm himself down. This is not how he thought today would go.

"Did you ever love me?" Daniel asks after a while.

"I did love you, Daniel," Dean says. "I did. Or at least, I think I did. I just… I've always been so in love with Roman. Even when everything was over, I turned him down multiple times but I don't think I ever really stopped. I tried to stop, I really did but it never happened. But I did love you. You're a good man, Daniel. Yes, we didn't always work and there were some major kinks in our relationship, but it wasn't a bad relationship. I think we could have worked, it's just..." Dean swallows harshly and tries to sort through his words. He wishes he could just stop talking and not break Daniel's heart like he knows he's about to do. He wishes things weren't as complicated, were different somehow. "I will always be in love with Roman and I can't stop." Another irrational burst of happiness from admitting the words out loud. "I tried. I really tried. I didn't want to still be in love with him after all this time. I wanted us to work, but I realize now that we can't. Truth be told, I never was yours."

Dean watches Daniel run a hand through his hair and then bury his face in his hands.

"I'm so sorry for hurting you, but I don't think we can or that we should, move out to a new state and start a new life when we want different things in the long run, when we're not even in love like we should be."

Daniel's got tears in his eyes but he doesn't look very surprised by Dean's declaration. Maybe he caught on a while ago that Dean's heart wasn't in it. But there was a little part of Daniel that hoped that this would work out, that no matter what, they were going to make it.

"I know I wasn't always the best boyfriend to you, Dean. I know that. I do love you though, and I haven't stopped loving you, if that's what you're assuming here."

"You don't love me anymore either, Daniel."

Daniel stares at him for a long time. Dean just looks at him with no emotion on his face.

"But I do," Daniel states, simple and unemotional.

"No, you don't. If you loved me the way you should have for this to work, you would have tried harder to keep my attention, spent time with me, at least considered some of my desires." Their relationship was nice, but Dean knows that both of them should have tried harder. It was lacking in so many areas. Now that Dean thinks about it, everything's so clear. They never would have worked. "I mean, I know I could have tried harder, but you should have too."

"I did spend time with you." Daniel protests, anger seeping into his tone. "Don't tell me I didn't."

"But you didn't. You always complained about me not being in town, that I'm always away. But when I am in town, me coming over to your place to watch TV by myself while you worked in the back room or taking me to events to show off your wonderful boyfriend is not spending quality time together, Daniel.", Dean said, his tone stern.

"You should have said something." Daniel grits out, throwing his hands up in the air in an exasperated motion.

"Well you should have noticed on your own. You obviously aren't shocked by the information about Roman. If you noticed that, how could you not notice the fact that I needed some attention and that you should have tried harder to keep me if you really wanted to rather than taking me for granted?" Dean ended, voice close to breaking.

It's a fair question. Daniel clearly had sensed something going on and hadn't lifted a finger to stop it.

"I don't know," Daniel says through a strangled groan of frustration. "You shouldn't have just flounced off with an ex when you were already in a relationship."

"Hey, I didn't flounce off anywhere, I don't know about you but I've done my best to remain faithful in this relationship so just because I said I'm still in love with him doesn't mean that I fucked him in order to realise that." Dean says while he attempts to rein in his anger. It's no use shouting about it. They were both in the wrong, but Dean doesn't appreciate being accused of cheating, no matter how he feels about Roman. "And I'm sorry for breaking it off like this, but still, Daniel, we both should have tried harder."

Daniel spins around and punches his fist into the wall and lets out a loud grunt. Dean takes a step back.

"I still love you," Daniel whispers into the dented plaster.

"Yeah, but it's not enough. We both deserve to not settle."

It's so clear now, the way Dean was about to settle. He thinks he always knew he was choosing the lesser option, but it's so glaringly obvious now. Daniel just huffs out a breath and walks to the other end of the room, putting as much space between them as possible.

""You deserve someone better than me," Dean said. He paused, and then added, "I deserve someone better than you too."

It broke Dean's heart, knowing he was hurting Daniel, but he cleared his throat and continued.

"And I'm not saying you're a terrible person, and I certainly do not think I am a terrible person either. It's not your fault, nor is it mine. We are just…incompatible with each other. You deserve someone better for you than me, and I deserve someone better for me than you. "

He sighed, and closed his eyes. He hoped he would understand. Daniel's silence suggested otherwise. So, Dean continued.

"I know it doesn't feel this way now, but I think… I think this is for the best. We deserve to be with people who will make us happy and who want the same things as us."

"Daniel," Dean says softly, prompting Daniel to say something because the silence is deafening and Dean's watching Daniel process all of this as he's wiping the tears away from his face and trying to calm himself by controlling his breathing. It's all too much for Dean to take, he doesn't like hurting people and he's not sure how they got here but somewhere in his heart he's glad he took this step because it's saving them both from an ultimate heartbreak.

"Just go," Daniel says around a lump in his throat. "Go."

Dean stands to leave and hesitates only for a moment to see if Daniel will look at him. He doesn't. It's like a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders after finally telling Daniel that he's still in love with Roman. He feels like he can breathe for the first time in ages. All he needs now is Roman.

* * *

Roman's currently sitting on the couch watching an old episode of Gogglebox. Dean had gotten him hooked on it one afternoon and now he's just wallowing, thinking of his shitty situation, and watching stupid TV.

"What was that about?", Randy asked, as he walked back into the living room and headed for the bathroom to retrieve his t-shirt from the dryer. He spilled water on it earlier in the day and Roman suggested he just chuck it in the dryer so it dries quicker.

"Nothing." Roman replied, loud enough for Randy to hear it as he came back to the room fully clothed and plopped down on the couch opposite to Roman.

"Nothing? You're going to give me nothing for what just happened?" Randy asked, exasperated, making air quotes with his fingers around the word 'nothing'.

Roman took a long breath and turned his face away from Randy, instead chose to stare at the floor. "Didn't feel like seeing him."

"And why is that?", Randy asked slowly, trying to not trigger him.

"I don't know.", Roman sighed, as he fiddled with his phone. "I feel like seeing him would destroy any and every progress I've made so far."

Randy shook his head in disagreement, "And you think avoiding him is going to help you move on?"

"Isn't that the point?", Roman shoves his face into the cushions beside him and thinks maybe he can suffocate himself with them so he never has to deal with any issue ever again.

"Well, no." Randy started, not sure how to phrase his thoughts. "The point is that you're supposed to move on altogether and at one point, be ok with seeing him. If you continue this, then you'll only move on from the parts you can control. Then when he will show up, your defenses will crumble. That's not ideal."

Roman just looked at Randy in return because he knew he was right and right now, he wasn't in the mood to argue.

"He's your best friend. You can't avoid him forever, Roman." Randy continued.

Roman's further silence triggered Randy to voice out something he had been wanting to just let Roman know before something major happens.

"I want to tell you something."

"What is it?" his face still buried.

Randy sighs, gets up from the couch and walks over to Roman and wraps his arms around Roman to hoist him back into a sitting position. When he's sure that Roman is focusing on what he's saying, he starts talking.

"When the time comes that you have to go back to him or anyone and I have to let you go, don't even think twice to leave. Do not leave me with sweet words. Just walk out and don't look back. Do not kiss me anywhere. Not in my forehead or cheeks or lips. Just disappear. If one of these days, I won't receive any of your calls and messages, I will know. Do not let me see that you are hesitating to leave. Do not make it hard for me, nor for you. This is just an escape for both of us. I'm happy to take your mind off the negativity for a while and now I'm glad things are alright for you. Whatever it is, I'll always be your friend. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy again. Whenever this ends, it ends. It's ok."

Roman's just a tad thrown off by this, he's staring at Randy trying to figure where this suddenly came from but even though Randy's gaze is fixed right back at him, he can't figure it out.

"Why are you saying this now?" Roman finally asks.

"Because I don't know when I'll see you next and we both know we aren't going to last forever and that someday this will have to end so I just wanted you to know this beforehand." Randy shrugged.

Roman nodded his head understandingly. It makes sense, you know. Roman was somewhat glad to hear that from Randy, sure, they have a great bond and an impeccable chemistry but they've both got their baggage and it wouldn't be right for them to do this in the long run especially considering Randy has a daughter, a family. He's simply glad to have found someone as unselfish as Randy who willingly helped him get through all this in the last few weeks and expected nothing in return.

Before Roman could say anything, Randy continued.

"He sounds like he needed you. Be a friend and talk to him about whatever he wants to. Don't lose him as a friend in the process of moving on from him.", Randy suggests, as he picks up his keys from the coffee table and gets up from the couch. He gives Roman, who's still sitting down, a side hug and kisses him gently on the forehead. "Do what you need to do. I'll see you in a few days, yeah? Call me if you need me."

Roman nodded in return, thankful that Randy's been kind enough to be so patient with him lately. They were off tour so Randy's going home to spend time with his family; Roman wasn't too disappointed about not being able to see him for a few. He had a bit too much on his plate right now than to worry about Randy's absence, to be honest.

He was snapped out of his thoughts when he heard the main door click shut and let out a long sigh as he leaned back against the couch contemplating as to what could possibly be the reason Dean came to see him.

No, no, no, no. Before that, Roman's not sure when he'll see Randy next so, he wants to make sure everything's cool before he leaves. In an effort to do that, Roman stands up from the couch and sprints outside to find Randy about to enter his car.

"RANDY" Roman shouts. He's not sure why he's being so loud considering it's his driveway and Randy's literally the only person there. Oh well, emotions or whatever.

"Holy shit, pipe it down." To say Randy's startled would be an understatement. "What is it?"

Roman starts walking towards Randy, his mind running a thousand miles per hour because honestly he has no clue what he wants to say. He stops a few feet away from Randy and opens his mouth in order to say something but quickly stops himself before he could. He takes a deep breath.

"I'm sorry for when I have to go or this ends." Roman manages to muster together, looking at Randy when he finished that sentence. He's unsure as to what that 'go' or 'ends' stood for but he's assuming it meant moving on with someone new. Randy was understanding enough to not question Roman and ask him to be more articulate because in a way, he understood what Roman meant.

"Don't be. I told you it's okay." Randy softly answers as he holds Roman's hands in his.

"You sure?", voice barely audible.

"Yeah, you softie. I'm a big boy, I can handle myself." Randy smiles at him.

"I really am sorry." He repeats, not sure where this is suddenly coming from.

"Jeez, shut up already." Randy chuckles, trying his best to lighten the moment. "We just spoke about this. I want to stick with it. Ok?"

Roman nodded.

"Now, go talk to him. Sounds like he needs you."

"Thank you, Randy." Roman finally looks up to meet Randy's eyes. "You've been incredible to me these last few weeks and I can't thank you enough. You helped me get through so much. I'm so -"

"Hey, hush." Randy knew confessions are only going to make this harder for them because he was more than aware this was something that wasn't going to last forever. He hates to think of it this way, but he knows he somehow played into the role of being Roman's rebound. He had no problem with it though as long as he knows he helped Roman, he was more than happy to do it. Maybe this arrangement will come back to bite him in the ass later on but this wasn't the right place or time to think about that. But he was certain from the get-go that this wasn't anything long term. So, confessions right now didn't seem like the best idea. "I know all of this; you don't have to say it now. You're going to make this really difficult for both us, so, don't. We weren't in this with a future plan, we were in it to help each other, and we both made each other happy and that's what counts."

Randy squeezed Roman's hands to ensure him that this was said with the utmost sincerity and it was, it most definitely was.

"See you soon?" Roman's tone making it sound more like a question than a statement, his eyes are sad but he manages to bring a little smile to his face.

"Sure, whenever we're in the same town." Randy smiles back, as he pulls Roman closer. "Come on now, bring it in."

Roman untangles their hands and steps in closer to hug Randy. It's soft and comforting and Roman feels blessed to have had this man by his side the past few weeks.

"Thanks, man. I love you." Roman whispers, against Randy's neck.

"Jeez, Ro, don't you think it's a bit too soon for that?" Randy humors him, which earns him a shove from Roman who tries to pull away. Randy just pulls him in closer in return.

"Don't be a douche." Roman warns him, tone soft, trying his best to hide his smile as he rests his head on Randy's shoulder. Randy squeezes him tighter and holds him close cherishing their last few moments together as he leans back against the car. Although they didn't mention it but Randy and Roman were fairly certain and both were aware deep down that this was the end of their escapade and wanted to bask in the moment for a bit. Weirdly, it didn't feel romantic and somewhere inside them they were both glad that there was at least some level of platonic friendship left between them that they could continue with the next time they see each other. They were sure nothing was going to change; they were going to make sure nothing would.

"I love you too." Randy says after a moment of silence, it was so soft that it was barely audible but Roman caught on then slowly lifted his head up and then separated their bodies. He genuinely smiled at Randy who mirrored the smile back at him. He finally stepped away so Randy could enter the car.

"See you around." Randy waved at him before closing the door.

* * *

Dean hears the noise of footsteps coming his way and he's thinking it's either Daniel or Seth; to be honest, he doesn't have the energy to deal with any of them right now.

"You really need to start locking your main door", He hears Seth's voice casually say as he enters Dean's room and starts looking around. "Anyway, thanks for picking up the cards. Where'd you keep them?"

Well, he's somewhat relived it's Seth rather than Daniel, well, now that he's here, Dean might as well get a few answers.

"Did you know about Randy?", Dean asks, paying no attention to Seth's question whatsoever. Seth stopped dead in his tracks when he heard that, not sure how Dean found out but he was hoping this wouldn't come up. He closed his eyes, let out a long sigh and with his back still turned towards Dean, continued searching for whatever it was he was looking for. At this point, he isn't even sure what he's looking for but he's just trying to look nonchalant and not look into Dean's eyes.

"Well, I think I have an idea on who that is," Seth humors Dean. But the look on Dean's face made it fairly certain that he's not in a mood to joke around. Ok, then. "Uh, okay. What about him?"

Dean's not buying it.

"Roman and Randy? What's their deal?", Dean asks, staring daggers at Seth's back. He's aware that Seth's avoiding eye contact but at this point, he doesn't really care. He just wants answers.

But the problem is – Seth doesn't have any.

"I have no idea." Seth replies. Well, he's not entirely lying.

"Don't fucking do this with me right now, Rollins." Dean shouts as he gets up from the bed, startling Seth. "Turn around and tell me what's going on."

Seth knew better than to not listen to Dean so he followed the order and turned around to face him.

"I think they're dating. I really have no idea.", Seth sounded almost apologetic.

"Dating?", Dean repeated slowly, struggling to get the words out, "They're dating?"

Seth nodded in return. He wasn't sure how to deal with this situation currently, why was Dean even being weird about this? He's supposedly over Roman, isn't it? Then why the sudden surprise over the news? Seth was a touch confused.

Dean, on the other hand, was struggling to process the information he'd just been given. Well, more like confirmed. He was hoping that it wasn't something of this kind but guess that would be too good to be true.

"How..." Dean trailed off as he sat back down on the bed and rested his face in his hands. "When? How long?"

"I told you, man. I really don't know." Seth sincerely answered.

"Please, Seth. Don't lie to me." Dean looked up at him.

"I'm not fucking lying. I actually have no clue. I found out about it myself four days ago when I went to his house. He told me they went on a few dates, they're having fun and it's going well. He's finally doing good." Seth started off frustratingly, but towards the end made sure to soften his tone to not be so hard on Dean.

 _He's finally doing good. He's finally doing good. He's finally doing good_. Dean's head repeats that line over and over again until he feels like he's going to throw up.

 _He's finally doing good._

Well, isn't that delightful? No, really, it is a great thing. Any other time Dean probably would've been overjoyed at this news but finally coming in terms with his feelings which he had been trying to suppress for all these months and now he was just hoping that maybe, maybe there was still a chance for him to right his wrong so hearing that Roman is actually dating someone else isn't the best piece of news.

"Why does it bother you though?", Seth asked, sounding blunt.

Dean's head shot up at that question and he was contemplating whether or not to tell Seth about the moments of realisation he had today. He decided with the option to go with it.

"I broke up with Daniel." Dean almost murmured hoping Seth wasn't going to ask him to repeat.

"You what?" Now it was Seth staring at him while Dean focused his vision on the floor.

"Yeah, just a while ago actually." Dean chuckled a little, he's not even sure why. "I thought about what you said last week and I asked him about why he wants to move in with me and why he loves me and all that. In the end, it was underwhelming and I guess that's not the feeling you're supposed to get when someone expresses their love for you. So, I called it off."

He figures he should've phrased it better but if there's one person who could understand Dean right now, it would be Seth. Well, a man can hope.

"Called it off because it wasn't right or called it off because you're still in love with Roman? Both different things." Seth knew this was a long shot but he still went with it. The answer that followed made Seth's long shot seem like nothing.

"Called it off as it didn't feel right because I'm still in love with Roman." Dean replied, voice a little louder now as he looks up to meet Seth's gaze.

Seth just sighed in frustration. This isn't the right time for this.

"Dean, what happened? All of a sudden, where's this coming from?"

"All this time I pretty much managed to convince myself that I was over him but eventually seeing him again and spending time with him and then going home to be with Daniel, it just didn't feel like something I wanted to do for a lifetime. I'd rather have a broken relationship with Roman at this point than a complete and healthy relationship with Daniel. If that doesn't tell you something I don't know what else will." Dean sounded like he was about to fall apart. Well, to say he's had a long day would be an understatement.

"But you shot him down whenever he asked you for a chance." Seth stated as a matter of fact as he started pacing around in the room.

Dean wishes Seth would just stand still and stop with the goddamn third degree.

"That was because I felt like I tried so hard to prove to myself that the feelings I had for him were gone, and I was certain they were but it doesn't always work that way. It was a mistake, I admit that and that's why I want to fix it now."

Seth stopped and leaned against the window as he examined Dean.

"In that case, the timing isn't right, Deano. He looks like he's moved on and I told you last week that I'll encourage you to pursue him until he's waiting for you and now, I don't think he is, so my suggestion would be to let him live his life the way he wants to."

"But..." Dean started, his voice low, "I love him. He can't move on so quickly."

Seth stared at him incredulously.

"Did you expect him to wait forever? You certainly didn't, why should he?" Seth knew it was a low blow but he wasn't in the mood to hold back anymore.

Dean ignored that comment because he has other issues in his head right now.

"Does he still love me?" Dean questioned Seth, at this point he just wanted to be assured.

"I don't have the answer to that, Dean." Seth said, a little calmer now.

"I messed up; I shouldn't have let him go." Dean whispered into the thin air.

"Then why didn't you let him in and give him a chance when he was begging you for one?" At this point Seth was even confused on how to react.

"Because I was fucking scared." Dean shouted back, turning away from Seth, "There, you heard it. Happy now?"

"Scared of what?"

"That I'll not be enough." Dean answered after taking a deep breath and calming himself. He looked up at Seth who looked more confused than anything so he continued, "That every day I'll be terrified that he'll wake up one day and decide he doesn't love me anymore. I haven't done this properly before, we didn't conventionally start, when he left I felt like I wasn't good enough for him and that stuck with me since then. The idea that I wasn't enough for him was engraved in my head. That if we get together, one day he'll see my full potential and it won't be enough for him. It sucks to be in love and to be scared of it at the same time. I've been out of me for so long, somehow I'm afraid that I'm really not good enough for him anymore. But I don't want to live in that doubt anymore, I want to give it a shot."

Dean's voice was shaky as he finished his sentence. He sat back down on the bed and turned his gaze away from Seth, who was in his own world of confusion.

Seth was unsure what to follow that up with. Dean never told Seth that he was scared of not being good enough for Roman. That never came up, but now that Dean's mentioned the actual reason as why he's not letting Roman in again, it sort of puts things into perspective for Seth as to why Dean's doing what he is. Dean's problem isn't Roman, it's his own mindset and fear that's held him back and Seth's not sure what to do with that information. On one hand, he's glad that there's finally reasoning as to why Dean's tried his best to not get involved with Roman and that probably with a bit of convincing, it could be changed. On the other hand, Seth thinks about Roman and Randy, or just Roman moving on, in general; how long that's taken and how much he begged Dean to let him in and he's not sure whether Roman wants to go down that road again. Maybe if it was a few months ago, or even a few weeks, it might've worked. But right now, he's thinking the timing's just not right.

Seth sat on the ledge of the window and folded his arms as he decided on what to say.

He had to choose between being a supportive friend to Dean and doing the right thing for Roman.

"It's too late." He quietly said, as he decided to go for the latter.

Dean's head shot up as he felt a sudden ache in his chest, he looked at Seth with teary eyes as he whispered a barely audible "no".

This was the last thing Dean wanted to hear. He feared that this would be the case but to have it confirmed by someone else wasn't what he needed to know. This was the one thing he was hoping wasn't true. That somehow maybe Seth's wrong this time.

It took all of Seth's will power to not go and give Dean a hug at that moment as he watched his best friend fall apart the same way he did a year ago. He wants to comfort him but at the same time he wants to be right to Roman, who's spent the last few months trying to move on from Dean and now that he finally making a bit of progress and found some happiness, Seth feels it wouldn't be right for Dean to make a move. He had his chance.

"I want what's best for you, Dean." Seth walked over to Dean and put his hand on Dean's shoulder, "But I also want what's best for Roman. You've done more harm than good to him lately, so I'm not sure what he wants anymore. I wouldn't recommend you pursuing him but go with what you think will be right."

"I can't let him go without giving us a real chance. I'm still in love with him." Dean can't remember the last time he's said these words and felt so relieved.

"Just think about him as well before you do something." Seth patted Dean's shoulder one last time and then showed himself out. "I'll come by later to pick up the cards. You take care of yourself."

Dean nodded, still staring holes into the floor and soon, heard the main door click shut.

He hates it. Absolutely hates the way Seth basically told him to not go for this. As if Dean, himself, thinking that this isn't a good idea bad enough but Seth's uncertainty about this made him feel worse.

Dean feels like he's suffocating, he needs to get out of this house. Somehow these walls around him are making him feel confined feel like and he just can't do this anymore. He wants to get out of here, needs to leave this house and just go. He's not sure where but he just knows he wants to go away from everything for a bit to clear his head. He gets up from where he was sitting on the floor and starts looking around for a bag. Anything that'll fit two-three pairs of clothes; he finds a few luggages and backpacks lying around but they're pretty much still packed because he's usually living out of his bags even when he's off tour and never really unpacks his stuff completely and some empty boxes which were meant to carry his things to Ohio, well, he can throw those out now. He looks around in his cupboard and finds a half empty duffel bag which he hasn't used in a while and thinks it's better than everything else he just found. He takes the bag out along with a few t-shirts and jeans. He opens the bag and turns it upside down to empty it, because right now, the last thing he wants to do is take his time with unpacking the damn bag. Dean quickly scans the items that fall out of the bag to ensure that there isn't anything important that fell out of it. He's almost certain there isn't, but just then his eyes land on a tad crumpled envelope where he sees his name written in a messy handwriting which looks way too familiar. _Wait, this can't be, right?,_ he thinks to himself. He picks it up while trying to figure out when and how this got here. He doesn't quite recall seeing it and tries to remember the last time he used the damn bag. After a bit of brainstorming, his mind jumps to a few months ago, the day he was supposed to leave for the UK tour when he saw this same envelope lying on his nightstand — pretty certain he never saw the side with his name on it at that time — and chucked it in this bag with the plan of reading it later. Well, he never got around to doing that.

He quickly tears the envelope the best he can, the fact that his hands are shaking isn't helping him, and he's unsure what to expect because he remembers this is from the time Roman left his house. He can feel his heart racing as he unfolds the piece of paper and sits down on the bed because his knees feel like they're giving up.

He finally holds the paper in front of him to see what's actually written in it,

 _Dean,_

 _I just left your room. You were so beautiful lying there sound asleep that I couldn't bear to wake you. But I'm not feeling so great, and you don't want to see me anymore, but there are things I promised to tell you that I fear I may not get the chance to before it's too late again. I know you said you didn't want to talk to me, so I'm not going to force you to, that's why I'm writing you this. You can come and talk to me whenever you feel it in your heart; I'll wait for as long as I can._

 _Be mad at me. You should. But after that, try to understand that I did what I thought was best at the time. I wanted to tell you. So many times I snuck down to your hotel room planning on telling you everything, but I just couldn't._

 _Partly it was for you – yes. You needed time away from me and I didn't want to influence your choices, even once I didn't realise what was happening between us, even more so then._

 _Partly the choice was selfish, and for that I am sorry._

 _But now I do, I understand that better than anyone else. Falling in love with you only made those choices more complicated and I feared that you might choose to not love me anymore by the time I started falling in love with you. I couldn't let that happen. But it did happen. I know you said we're over but I just can't let it go. I can't let you go again. Maybe it's selfish of me to want someone I can't have but I can't help it. I'm sorry, I never knew I was hurting you so much by letting you go._

 _For so long now people have been trying to fix me, but where they failed, you succeeded. You've given me more life in the last couple of months than I've had in years. I want to be with you, love you, make memories with you, fear for you, I want to show you the beauty of life instead of the terror – it is bittersweet, but more importantly, it is real. I want to show you all these things; I want to experience it all with you. I want to be a part of the reason to your happiness, I know that it's selfish but I can't help it._

 _I know this is the part when I tell you to listen to your heart and to go on, live your life and be happy with whoever you please. But I don't need to say those things. I know you. Your life will be extraordinary, with me or without me. You certainly made mine feel that way._

 _Maybe we would've been beautiful. Maybe we would've been a catastrophe. I still just kinda wish you would have chosen me._

 _Please find it in your heart to forgive me. I wish we had more time, but I want to thank you – for being a blessing in my life and for being someone I could confide in during the hardest moments._

 _I know you said I was too late, but if and when you do find it in your heart to forgive me or give me another chance, I hope with all my heart that it won't be at a time when I've already found happiness elsewhere and I'll have to look you in the eyes and tell you that you're too late._

 _My love for you is eternal._

 _I'll be waiting, for as long as I can._

 _Roman._

Dean's telling himself a thousand times that this has to be real. Right now he'll justify it to himself, and to anyone who will listen because, Jesus Christ, Roman wouldn't have said and written all those things if he didn't mean them. Right?

Dean's hurting. Physically, emotionally, you name it. He can feel his chest burning, his mouth is dry, he's struggling to keep a steady breathing rate, his eyes are teary, and his hands are still shaking as he's clutching the paper tightly. He's going over the letter a million times while he's lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. He is going over every single I love you, I miss you, I'm yours, baby, Roman ever said and it is running through his head like a train stuck on the same track. He's going over every single I love you and thinking, _he meant it he meant it he meant it, there's no way he didn't mean it. Right?_

But the hours string along and he's still gone and Dean starts to question himself because why would Roman say all those things if he never planned on staying? Or maybe he did, but Dean didn't let him. But Dean loves him, oh God, he loves him so much that if he could hear his heart he knows it would only beat to the sound of Roman's name.

And if you love somebody that much, if you give your heart to somebody with that much trust, he had to have loved you back. Right? But for how long? That was the real question.

Dean wants to call Roman. He wants to hear his voice and just talk to him about everything. Maybe give themselves another shot.

But he's scared.

It's just…he's spent so long thinking he wasn't good enough for Roman and now he thinks that he might actually be what Roman wants and needs and it's a lot to process. He wants to go see Roman, he's just worried that he's messed up so badly that Roman's finally given up on him.

And it's probably stupid to call. Too late at night, he's curled up in a corner of his bedroom. But that stupid letter in his hand that he's clutching so tightly as if he's hanging onto it for dear life is all the hope and confidence he needs to pursue Roman. It's stupid and sad and desperate, and there's probably something wrong with the amount of relief he feels the second he hears Roman's voice on the other end of the line.

"Hello?"

Dean struggles to breath because his tears won't stop running down his face. "Hey"

"Uhh, you okay?" Roman asked, voice a little soft. The line was quiet, except for Dean's light breathing. Roman knew Dean was crying. This was not the first time he heard his sobs disguised as sighs.

"Come get me," Dean says, voice fragile and faint, and Roman doesn't hesitate for a second before replying.

"Give me 20 minutes."

* * *

They don't talk much as they drive, not at first. Roman doesn't ask why Dean needed to leave, and Dean doesn't ask why Roman had come for him without knowing the purpose of the call. They just drive down an isolated highway through the rain slicked road.

Roman knows something is wrong, he's just not sure what. When he agreed to pick Dean up, it was more of a reflex than anything else. Dean's voice was soft, he was crying, Roman instantly knew something was bound to be wrong. Dean had even come to see him earlier on in the day but Roman did not feel like seeing him then so he had to leave. He really wants to ask but he also does not want to break this wall he's spent the last few weeks building. Maybe this is the problem, maybe Randy was right and that by now, Roman should be able to develop an ability where he can differentiate whether to treat Dean as a friend or nothing at all. He wants to go with the former because he'd rather just have Dean as a friend than nothing at all. His thoughts were interrupted by Dean.

"Am I...", Dean closes his eyes to stop them from watering, and takes a deep breath to steady his voice as holds the same tear stained piece of paper in front of him, "too late?"

And boy, did Dean fail at steadying his voice because his voice broke at the last two words. He hates that this is taking such a toll on him but he really needs to do this.

Roman instinctively turns to look at Dean for the time in the night and he immediately regrets it. The street lights are mildly illuminating Dean's face and Roman can see that, well, Dean doesn't look right. His hair is a mess, eyes are teary, he's anxiously biting his lower lip, and he looks tired. Or sad. Roman turns his eyes away and focuses on the road again before he could decide.

"I'm not sure I get what you're asking." Roman replies, deadpanned.

Dean sighed in response then picked up the piece of folded paper and held it infront of his face asked again, "Am I too late?"

"Dean, I don't understand what-" Roman set off on Dean again but turned to look at him in the middle of that sentence and then saw the paper, and stopped himself. He looked back at the road to make sure it's clear and then turned back to Dean. Just as he was about to question him about the paper, he recognised his own handwriting in that paper. Now, wait, is that?

No, no, no, no, no.

"Is that...?" Roman started but couldn't continue, but Dean picked up on it.

"I just read it a few hours ago."

Wait, what? But Roman had given it to him a long time ago. This can't be coming back right now.

"A few hours ago?", Roman repeated, as he turned his attention back to the road.

"I don't know, I saw it on my nightstand a few months ago and I chucked it in one of the bags and never really got around to reading it... until today." Dean slowly said, eyes tracing Roman's each and every reaction.

Roman just shakes his head in disbelief. There he was wondering about why Dean never had the audacity to talk about this letter with him and now it turns out, he never really read it before. Talk about luck.

"You didn't answer my question." Dean states, at Roman's silence.

"There's nothing to answer.", there's not even an ounce of emotion in Roman's voice.

"What does that mean?" Dean asks, confused by that answer.

"This was written like half a year ago, Dean. Does it even matter anymore?"

"Well, if you claim what you had for me was real then it does."

"And what's that going to do now? You're moving to Ohio in a few days, I really don't want to do this now. Why does it even matter?"

"I'm not moving.", Dean replies, as he leans back into his seat and stares out of the window.

"What?"

"I broke up with Daniel today.", he repeats.

Oh, well, Roman didn't see that coming.

"And you wanted a shoulder to cry on, I'm guessing?" Roman hisses, he knows he's being unreasonably bitter and harsh but he can't help it right now. Maybe he's glad they broke up. You know what? It's good they broke up, it was an unhealthy relationship anyway but as long Roman's not in the loop, he doesn't want to get involved in it. He's not even sure what the fuck is going on right now.

"Roman, stop the car. Look at me, talk to me." Dean sternly states.

"There's no need for that."

"Ro, Please." Dean pleads.

Roman turns his head to face Dean at the sound of that nickname. Oh has it been long since he heard Dean call him that. He notices Dean's pleading eyes so he steers ahead and stops the car at the side of the deserted road.

"What?", Roman harshly asks. His voice is all sharp knives and vicious bite. Roman's shoulders are held back and his arms are folded defensively against his chest. Dean wishes he could reach out and pull Roman's arms down and around him.

"I want to make things right with you."

"But I'm not sure if I want to do that again. It's taken me a while to pull myself together after giving my heart out to you time after time only to have you crumble it and throw it back at me. I don't know if I can do it again." For the first time in the night, Roman softened his tone and Dean was somewhat thankful that Roman was maybe finally letting his shield down. Here's a start.

"I'm sorry. If you want I'll apologise a million times more, anything to make you believe that I am actually sorry for the way I've treated you lately."

"What's that going to do now?" Roman's voice stern, as tried not to look at Dean, "You've clearly stated you want nothing to do with me so I don't see as to why it would be a problem for you all of a sudden."

"You think that was fun for me? That I enjoyed it, Roman? Have you really forgotten who I am and what you always meant to me?"

"At this point, I can't speak for you. But yeah, I have forgotten who you actually are because this is not the man I fell for." And that harsh tone was back.

"Aren't you going to give yourself a little credit for that?", Dean spits out, anger seeping in his tone, "Because I wonder how this all really started."

"Don't fucking put this on me, Dean.", Roman points at Dean, raising his voice. "If you wanted out, you could've said it but no, you stayed in it till the end so don't be saying shit like that to me."

Dean hates where this is going, he came to Roman to make up with him not fight with him until there's nothing left of them. What are they even doing?

Dean decided it was best to not retort back and just work on trying to fix things so he took a deep breath and calmed himself. After a bit of silence, he continued.

"Whatever you wrote on the letter, do you mean it?", Dean thought he might as well get to it because truth be told, that letter was the only ray of hope that made Dean do this.

"Yes." Roman instantly answered, a little calmer now himself.

 _Good_ , Dean thinks.

"Every word?"

"Every goddamn word of it." Roman's voice is very stern and this makes Dean feel a bit more confident.

Roman's unsure on what to say, he wants to say a million things right now but he just doesn't want to expose himself so much that it leads to another heartbreak which isn't something he's prepared for.

How can Roman tell him that Dean was his escape from the harsh reality and from the voices he kept on hearing inside his head? That when he left, the voices were replaced by Dean's, ranging from the hushed whispers of sweet nothings to the sound of his hysterical laughter. Roman never seemed to determine whether that was beautiful or insane.

"What's Randy to you?" Dean slowly asked, as if scared to hear the answer to this, breaking Roman out of hi thoughts.

"What?" Roman immediately turned his head towards Dean, surprised where that came from.

"You and Randy? What's the deal?" Dean asked again, sounding nonchalant.

So Roman did hear that right, he releases a long sigh and rests his forehead on the steering wheel as he wonders what to tell Dean.

"We went on a few dates, it's over now. I guess it was a rebound, I don't really know." Roman wasn't lying, he actually isn't sure what they were. He feels weird to call Randy a rebound but if he were to put a label on it then it is what it is.

"Do you like him?" Dean hesitantly asked, looking at Roman, who's head's still down.

"Dean, if this is what you wanted to talk about then I think we should be heading back home." Roman answered, sounding irritated.

"Just answer the question." Dean almost pleaded. "Please."

Roman released a ground but then still answered.

"Yes and no. I wouldn't say 'like', it was simply infatuation. He seemed like a source of comfort and that was it. Everything felt too platonic in the end." Unknowingly Roman feels as if though he may have given away more information than he would've liked. It wouldn't be a lie to say that Dean was somewhat stoked to hear that.

Dean wasn't sure what to say now. Should be apologise again? Confess his feelings? Stay quiet? He was unsure.

"Can you tell me where you want to go so I can drop you? I'm not in the mood for a chit-chat." Roman said, sounding irritated.

"Why are talking to me like that?" Dean was surprised a that tone, "Did I never mean anything to you?"

 _Oh, crap_ , Dean thinks because this is not the question he needs an answer to.

Roman looks at him incredulously, and then turns his head away.

"Did you notice something, Dean?" Roman finally asked, eyes on the road. He didn't expect Dean to answer so he continued. "You know how it's pouring down rain now, and we just passed from under that bridge and when we did, everything stopped. Everything went silent and it felt peaceful for a while. Then we finally got out from under the bridge, and everything hit us a little harder than before. Yeah, you were my bridge."

It took Dean a while to figure that out but when he did, he felt his heart sink. What made it worse was that Roman was not even looking at him. The atmosphere becomes thick with unspoken words and miscommunicated feelings. Dean thinks that he can reach out and touch the tension like a living, breathing, scared animal with its hackles raised in defence if he imagines hard enough.

"I'm sorry." Dean says again because he feels like no matter how much he apologises it's not going to be enough to make Roman understand how much he hates himself for doing what he did. "I just realized it was all my fault. I pushed you away when you were always there for me. What I did to you was way worse than what you did to me. I hope it's not too late now because I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you."

Dean thinks it's kind of ironic that people actually think that being expressive is bravery. Because now that he spoke of his feelings, voiced out his thoughts, weakness and vulnerability were bestowed upon him.

"Roman-"

"Tell me where to drop you, Dean, I'm tired and I want to have an early night," Roman says as he sinks into his seat and avoids Dean's face.

"No."

It takes all of Dean's mental strength to keep his feet firmly planted. He doesn't want to run out the car, which is a good sign. He just wants to run to Roman and hold him tight.

Roman then turns to him and watches him. He stares at Dean for a few moments of heavy silence, watching him closely, and Dean thinks that maybe Roman's waiting for him to run. But Dean's made up his mind that this time he's not running away.

"I'm not going to break your heart again." Dean says, voice surprisingly strong even if his insides are quaking.

Roman nods with furrowed brows and turns to Dean, crossing his arms.

"You aren't?"

"Nope." He makes sure to pop the 'p' just to be obnoxious. It wins him the briefest of smiles before Roman turns to look outside the window.

Another point for Dean.

"And what makes you so sure?" Roman questions. Dean can see where his fingernails are digging into his biceps as if to ground himself in the feeling of pain and Dean wants to take his hands and make him stop. He can't. Not yet.

"Because I am stupidly in love with you and I never ever want to leave you."

All of the walls and pretences that Roman has been trying to keep up come crashing down right before his eyes. He looks like he did six months ago when he first came to confess his love for Dean, with wide, vulnerable eyes and bitten red lips. Roman seems to shrink into himself and Dean hates it. He only ever wants to build him up, not tear him down.

"But you've done it so many times over the past year. So many times, D. I can't get hurt like that again. I won't."

Roman may look all vulnerable and cherubic, but his resolve hasn't shaken much. There was the use of a nickname though, so maybe Dean is getting somewhere.

"I know, Roman. I know I treated you way worse than I should've and it tears me up inside every single day thinking about the many times I've made you upset or shot you down. It kills me." Dean starts off strong, but by the end, his voice has withered away and frays around the seams.

Roman reaches up to play with his bottom lip, eyes appraising Dean as he lets Dean's words settle in. Dean has told him how sorry he is a million times and the way he looks at him, but he wonders if Roman's ever believed him.

"I love you," Dean says, makes sure his voice is strong and loud. "When I saw you I realized that I was still in love with you. I realized that I never stopped loving you, not in the past year, and I don't think I ever will." Dean paused, Roman just looked at him, he didn't say anything, he was silent. Dean sighed, "You don't have to feel sorry for me, it's my fault. I should've known that I was still in love with you; I hadn't really let you go. I never really moved on, and I hurt someone because of that. How stupid was I? I really thought that I could distract myself long enough to make myself think I was over you."

Roman's eyes begin to fill with tears and Dean isn't sure whether they are good tears or not.

"Dean-"

"No, let me talk, Roman. I need to get this out." Roman nods incrementally and Dean takes a deep breath. He's been thinking of everything he needs to say for about a year now, but right now he's drawing a blank. He just starts to ramble instead. Rambling sometimes works, he figures. "I don't know when exactly I fell in love with you because one day it wasn't there and the next day it was. But I'm so glad it was something I got to experience. I have loved you since the day you first let Sam put flowers in your hair and your hair fell into your face. I have loved you since you smiled wide at me with your obnoxious look, cheering me on every time I do something well. I have loved you since you agreed to help me practice and workout with me into the early hours of the morning. I have loved you since our irritating carpool karaoke sessions."

Roman smiles at the memory and Dean counts it as another point.

"I have loved you even during the day you told you couldn't do this anymore and left. I have loved you since I saw you staring out that stupidly large window at that God awful hotel we were at our last time. I have loved you since you swallowed your fear and came to me to tell me what you felt for me. I have loved you since the day you left everything behind just to work things out with me. I have loved you since the days you kept coming back even though I was being a dick to you and-"

"Dean," Roman chokes out. There are tears pooling in his eyes and his eyes are puffy.

"Let me finish," Dean whispers, voice hoarse with emotion and his body shaking with the amount of feelings coursing through his body. Dean puts his hand out for Roman to hold. "And I have loved you, Roman Reigns, every single moment in between. Even when we were miles apart and I was sure that you hated me with all of your being, even when I thought I was sure I hated you, but truth be told, I have never stopped loving you with all of mine. I will spend the rest of my life trying to prove to you that I will not run and that I love you as long as you let me."

That might have been the sappiest thing that Dean has ever done but by the look on Roman's face, he's done something right for a change.

"I swear to you, with everything that I have, that I will never run away from you again. You're it for me, Ro."

Roman's hands are a few inches from him but he doesn't reach out. Dean wants to scream and cry because he has literally just bared his soul, something that he never thought he'd be able to do, and Roman still isn't touching him nor even looking at him.

"I'm scared," Roman admits quietly, fingers curling into his jeans as if he's fighting off the urge to touch Dean. "I'm scared you're going to take this back. I don't know if I can handle doing this again."

"Roman-"

"But I'm also scared that I won't feel anything like this with anyone else."

"I'm scared you will." Dean responds, his voice soft.

What a turnaround this has been, Dean thinks as he watches Roman's tense body before him.

"I know you are scared, Ro, but I promise I won't leave. I promise."

Roman looks down bites at his lip.

"You really hurt me, Dean, and I can't just let that go. Not again," Roman says finally, looking up from the floor and into Dean's eyes.

"I know," Dean says softly. He knows this doesn't fix everything. "But maybe you can give me another chance? I want to prove to you that I can be better."

Roman considers this for a few moments, seeming to toss the idea around in his head and feel the weight of the proposition on his tongue.

"I love you, Dean," Roman tells him, eyes focused and brows furrowed. "But if you run, you don't come back," Roman warns, eyes growing hard and voice surprisingly steady for the way tears are pooling in his eyes.

"I won't run," Dean repeats, needing to get that through Roman's head. "I won't run."

"But if you do, that's it."

"That's it," Dean echoes. He feels like he should be terrified of the ultimatum but he's not. He knows he won't leave Roman again. He quickly does a check through with his brain to see what it's telling him and how his body feels, firmly planted on the seat, and realizes that the itch to hightail it out of the situation is non-existent. Good.

"Ok, then," Roman says, inching forward a little more.

"So, we can try again?" Dean asks, hopeful and ready to bounce up to meet Roman half way. "I'll be yours, and you'll be mine, and we'll try to work this out? You and me, against the world and all that?"

Roman smiles at him, still a bit tentative but full of affection. Roman's eyes sparkle like glinting in the afternoon sunlight and some strands of his long hair falls a bit into his face. Dean reaches up and pushes the hair behind his ear and then decides to keep his hand buried in the softness he finds there.

"Truth be told, Dean. I was always yours," Roman says before inching closer to Dean. Roman feels Dean's hand shift on his neck, ever so slightly, causing his head to come closer. Slowly, inch by inch, Dean's face descended on Roman's, stopping just a breath away from his trembling lips.

Dean wanted it. Badly. Roman wanted it. His lips parted a fraction, letting a thread of air escape.

"Can I?" Dean's breath was warm on his lips.

"Yeah," Roman whispered back. He closed the distance until his lush lips covered Dean's.

Almost one year Dean had to wait for that kiss and oh God, it was worth it. He doesn't remember the last time he felt so electric just by pressing his lips into someone else's and for once, everything feels so peaceful.

Roman lips moved softly over Dean, who tightened his grip on Roman's neck as their lips pressed deeper. Roman's face is still wet with tears and they're smiling too much for a proper kiss, all teeth and breathy giggles, but it's everything Dean will ever want.

"I'd forgotten what it's like, you know? It's been so long… I'd just forgotten how incredible it all feels." When tears rushed his eyes, he blinked them away. So he could stay right in the moment, within the tenderness of Roman's gaze. He placed a hand on his chest, over his heart. "I want you to know how much I appreciate everything you did for me. You've become everything that's good and right in my life. And I'm sorry if I made things difficult for you." His eyes glistened, two sparkling bits of heaven over a thin crescent of tears.

"Dean, you're breaking my heart over here."

"I'm just so grateful, and it's important to me you understand. You gave me a second chance at happiness. You know that, right?"

This time it was Roman who pulled Dean and closed their lips together. All of Dean's answers were in that kiss.

"You sure about this though?" He pulled away again, their foreheads resting together, wanting to confirm this. "I can convince you all night if you want."

Roman let out a little laugh and nodded.

"Yeah because I'm stupidly in love with you too," Roman said with a fond smile, as he plant a light kiss on Dean's lips, then whispered "because I cannot imagine living my life without you. I want to see your face in the morning, and then at night, and a hundred times in between. I want to grow old with you, I want to laugh with you, and I want to sigh to my friends about how managing you are, all the while secretly knowing I am the luckiest man in town."

"What?" Dean demanded, faking an offended look.

Roman shrugged. "A man's got to keep up appearances. I'll be universally detested if everyone realizes how perfect you are."

And this is it, this is everything Dean's ever wanted and needed. And you can bet he's going to work his ass off to ensure that this never goes away again.

"You know, beyond some miracle that I'll never understand, I get to keep you, so I'm going to cherish you forever because I'm only just beginning to understand what it means to truly want something. Because I want so much now. I want to make you happy. I want to give you the world. I want you to be proud of me. I want to comfort you. I want you to comfort me. I want to be the one to hold you when you're in pain. I want to hold you when you're scared. I want you to hold me when I'm scared. I want to make you laugh. I want to make you blush." Dean wanted to go on but Roman leaned in and continued for him, he whispered, "I want to make you scream. I want to give you a home. I want to fill it with children who I hope aren't a pain in the ass like their dad, obviously you. I want to take care of you. I want to grow old with you. I want you by my side, every day."

Dean smiled against Roman's lips as he looked at the man in front of him and counted himself blessed.

And this it all they ever wanted.

So, they just travel down the rain-slick road with no destination in mind but away, Dean with nothing but the clothes on his back and a hastily thrown together duffel, and Roman sitting in the driver's seat next to him. And there's this invisible string a fate that is indestructible and keeps pulling them closer and closer, no matter what they do it will never break. And only they know the truth of how this will end - it won't… because neither one of them is ever letting go.

And it's been a long time since anything's felt this much like home.

* * *

This is it! My first ever fic is officially over!

Thank you to each and every one of you who has read and liked this story. You all are amazing and I can't thank you enough!


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